The Pattern I Need My Daughter To Break

As a young girl, I was very close to my grandmother on my mom's side of the family. My grandmother was forced into marriage when she became pregnant with my mom at the age of seventeen. My mom was also forced to marry my biological father when she became pregnant with me, also at the age of seventeen. As you guessed, I too became a mom at seventeen, however, I was not forced to marry. Thankfully, times were different when I became a teenage mom.

I swore I was going to raise my daughter much differently than how my mom raised me and how her mom raised her and so on. Being a young mom meant I required help from my mother and she required that of hers.

Can you see the pattern developing here?

The young women, that we're still very much children themselves, were being forced into marriage and having to raise a child without an opportunity to experience life as a teenager. Right after graduation, it was straight to being a mom, wife, and whatever else was required to get by during those times. There was no time to let their hair down or travel the U.S.A. There would be no furthering their education by even entertaining the idea of going to college. The role of young mom and wife was already decided and set in stone.

This created a pattern within my family of generation after generation of mothers resenting their daughters.

Due to the fact, the young mom was inexperienced and struggling to work a full-time job and raise a family, this meant their moms were required to help watch their granddaughters. This pattern continued generation after generation. When I was born, I was the fifth generation. What this means is when I was born, my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother, and my great-great-grandmother were still alive. Being a part of five generations being alive was not something unusual for my family. That is one of the side effects of giving birth at such young ages.

My mom did not embrace her new titles or roles. She was known as a wild child and longed to still be free to do as she wanted without such big responsiblities. This meant I spent quite a bit of time with my grandmother. The older I got, the more distant of a relationship I had with my mom. I was much closer to my grandmother. I recall holding my grandmother's hand when I was younger. I rubbed my fingers across the wrinkles on the top of her hands. When she explained they were from aging and that one day she would grow old and die... it made me cry. I could not imagine a life without her.

Oh, how the times have changed!

Because I was not close to my mom as I grew up, I would tell my grandmother all the horrible things she would do. Keep in mind, I was a teenager with a major attitude and believed her having me do chores, cook dinner, etc was a form of child abuse. My grandmother and my mom were not close as their beliefs on parenting were different. The details I shared with my grandmother about my mom of course were not pleasant or in favor of anything she said or did. The more I shared, the more my grandmother would encourage my disrespectful behavior towards my mom. As the years passed, my negative words against my mom only grew worse and added to many events in dramatic form. Huge family fights with my mom and grandmother at the center of it all.

If I was getting along with my mom, my relationship with my grandmother disappeared. This also meant if I was close to my grandmother, the relationship with my mom would be gone. It was always one or the other. They were always at odds based on gossip and stretched truths mostly from my mouth.

As I too became a young mom and needed help from my mom and grandmother in raising my daughter. I began to understand the pain and hurt I had brought upon my mom. This was learned as my grandmother began to encourage my daughter's disrespect, gossip, and negative words regarding my parenting. It was such a horrible feeling.

Oh, how the tables had turned!

I began to see a pattern. My grandmother used her granddaughter as a tool or leverage to get at my mom. Then she used my children, in the same manner, to get at me. The more I learned of the toxic behavior my grandmother was creating and the more I watched my children do nothing to defend me or stand up with respect as I raised them to do... The more I began to see a pattern of generations of mothers being cold and hard on their daughters and eventually using grandchildren as tools to continue to cause hurt within the family tree.

It's toxic, unhealthy; and the main reason I had to walk away!

Now here I sit, my oldest daughter is not speaking to me. For reasons, I can understand. I was a little over the top with my hurt feelings and I did not communicate it well. What I need for her to recognize is the relationship she has with me... is what she will get to experience with her kids.

It is not fun, a feelgood, or emotions I want my daughter to have to feel. The more I experience this with her... the harder it is for me to process I did this to my mother but on a much larger scale. The lack of respect I vocalized and shared with my children, with reasons, of course, that felt justified in my mind... are now being returned to me. Now that I am feeling what my mom had felt - I feel disgusting for not respecting her just for the fact she is my mom.

As children, I think it is easy to get caught up in the negative moments or hang on to the emotions that didn't feel good surrounding whatever event it may have been. I am fully aware I was not the perfect mother. Nor did I try, really. However, there were many homemade birthday goodies, birthday parties, friends spending the night, creating games to play outside, and including all the neighbor kids. I truly think if she could focus her attention to these types of things... maybe the other anger, painful moments would pass. If she is not able to find it in her heart to forgive me, love me for who I am, and have compassion knowing that young moms are still trying to figure out their life plan and now have the pressure of a little one needing them on levels that haven't been experienced yet. Then she is doomed to feel the hurt I am currently experiencing but later down the road. When it will be too late to end this pattern. Stop the broken mother-daughter relationship cycle that our family sadly lives.

Daughter, I love you... please find it in your heart to end this horrible pattern that is tearing our family apart!