The House I Grew Up

The old worn house stood alone in the middle of a dense forest not too far from town. It was the sublime picturesque painting straight out of a gothic horror novel. It was the only thing that Orion loved about the house. The memories that coursed behind the walls like blood had turned sour over the years that it was allowed to curdled like rotten milk. Orion took a sharp breath that felt like daggers piercing her chest. If ghosts did linger in the world of the living, they took the form of memories and nostalgia that held tightly to a home until it became nothing more than walls and a roof to keep you from the cold and rain. There was a tug at Orion's heart that begged for her to enter and reclaim those memories, both good and bad—but she hesitated on the border of the property, a manilla envelope in hand. The soft warmth of another's hand grasped her own, followed by a gentle voice,

"Hey Ori, you okay?" It was Penelope, Orion's close friend who had been her rock and the closest thing to family since she began her journey outside of her childhood home.

"Yeah.. yeah, I'm cool... just nervous, that's all." Orion gave a strained smile along with a squeeze to Penelope's hand when she felt her words and expression would not be enough. "Promise." Orion said, slowly pulling away from Penelope's grasp, wearing the same strained smile on her face, to attempt to convince her that everything was okay. Gradually Penelope gave in and allowed Orion to slip through her fingers, followed by a deep inhale. Her hazel eyes fixated on the house, wandered over the chipping green paint and the clearly visible hole on the porch. Orion could tell from a simple look that Penelope wasn't quite sure of the place but was looking for the right words to encourage Orion.

"So, are you ready to go in?" Penelope said finally, breaking the long-standing silence that had built with the two of them staring at the house. Orion sighed and shrugged. Penelope broke her gaze away from the manor and rested her eyes on Orion.

"I don't know… I don't know if I'm ready to face her…" Orion said, her eyes never leaving the house. "we haven't spoke since I left… that was eight years ago… and suddenly with a twenty thousand dollar check, we're back to communicating?… only she doesn't say anything at all…" Orion lowered her eyes to the ground where she could clearly see the leaves had changed colors from green to yellow—even a few now looked red. Orion had left when she was eighteen; it was never her intention to stay out of touch with her mother—but her mother did not like technology, and when it came to writing, Orion was lazy—so the two just didn't mesh. She did manage to send her mother a gift every birthday, Christmas, and Mother's Day as a tradition. She knew her mother was grateful for them due to the letter she received the week after each gift. Though suddenly, the letters stopped coming, and the distance between them grew even greater.

"Ori, you've put this off for at least three years now… ever since she stopped writing, right? I know how badly you've missed her and last year you had made firm plans to see her."

"Yeah… I know… I just…" Orion struggled to articulate her thoughts; her hands fumbled with the necklace her mother had sent her for her twenty-first birthday. She hadn't taken it off since then. She recalled when she was younger and how she used to love adventuring in the forest outside of her house. It had always been her favorite place to be. The mysteriousness of the woods and the occasional visit of woodland creatures, it made her feel like she had stepped into a fairytale. Her imagination would take hold of her and whisk her off to faraway lands—her mother was the only one who entertained the stories she told. Inside the house had always felt like a cage—the inability to be who she truly was, surrounded by six older siblings who thought she was weird or annoying. They all seemed to feel the same thing about their mother—dismissing her more often than not. It wasn't until all of them left that her mother had started to change. They had all decided to live with their father, and she was left alone in the house with Orion as her only constant. Orion hadn't intended to leave her—but she couldn't stay… no matter how much she loved the trees and fantasies she created. The older she got, the more in touch with reality she became, and after she graduated from high school, she went off to college—the perfect escape.

It wasn't until this moment that Orion felt a feeling of loneliness sweep over her like the wind. It crept inside of her heart and almost pulled tears from her eyes. Penelope's touch once again brought her back into reality. Orion quickly wiped away the tears from her eyes.

"I'm good…" Orion said shortly and pulled herself away again. Penelope gave a frown and nodded slowly, reluctantly accepting the fact that Orion was not ready to be comforted at this moment and did not want to be touched.

"Alrighty then…" Penelope lowered her arms to her side, "It's your call Ori."

With a deep breath taken in and exhaled with the same effort, Orion mustered up her courage and walked up to the house. The first thing she noticed wasn't the hole that had always been there since she was young—but it was the gifts she'd sent her mother. They were piled up at the door. Orion felt her heart sink to her stomach; all courage had drained from her body like the color in her face. Penelope was close behind and made a small audible noise on her discovery of the presents all left to gather more than just dust on the porch of her mother's house.

"Ori?" Penelope said softly, her arms still at her side to allow Orion her space.

"I… do you think she's okay?… Is she mad at me?… Did she forget me?… I… did she leave? She must've left…" Orion voiced all the questions flooding her mind. She took in short breathes and felt like her chest was on fire, and if she stopped breathing for a moment, it would consume her.

"Ori, Ori!" Penelope reached past her boundaries and grasped firmly onto Orion's arm. Orion responded violently and pulled herself away. Without much thought, she rushed up the steps and pushed open the big wooden door. A faint putrid aroma wafted through the air like a fog. Orion paused at the quiet. It was too quiet. Not at all like the noise she remembered. The yelling… the crying.. and all of the arguing. She closed her eyes to make it reappear, but she clearly saw her mother's smiling face as she read to her. Holding Orion tightly in her arms and animated with every new character introduced. Orion took in a deep breath and opened her eyes back to reality. An empty house with no sound. Penelope rushed into the house and coughed lightly.

"Will you stay outside?" Orion said rather coldly, "I need to be alone."

Penelope didn't argue; she shrunk in size and nodded slowly. Usually, she would protest, but she must've felt it too. Orion did need to be alone. She didn't need to be consoled. She needed to deal with the reality that her mother had gone away without a word. That's why she sent the money—it was an apology. Or… did she sell the house?

Orion ambled around the house, taking in the memories of a broken family. With each bad memory, a good memory was attached, trying its best to shed light in the darkness of the house. Orion approached the stairs and ran her hand along the wooden banister painted a light green that everyone equally hated. She smiled softly.

"We all hated it… it was the only thing we all could agree on." She said out loud to herself and laughed until she broke into tears. "I miss you guys…" She said in a quiet voice and sat on the stairs, where she remembered listening to her mother sing in the kitchen. "I miss you mom…" She wiped away the tears and thought maybe her mother left messages of where she was now. Orion was back on her feet and heading up the stairs; the rancid smell she initially smelt had gotten stronger.

As much as she wanted to go over each and every room, her feet led her to her mother's room. The room she had spent many nights in with her mother at her side. She slowly pushed the door open and released the putrid aroma that had penetrated the entire house lightly. Her eyes widened as she saw the figure of a woman wearing the nightgown her mother loved so much. She coughed and gagged at the smell while tears began to fill her eyes. She felt the entirety of her insides pushing their way up to her throat. As much as she tried to hold back, it only made the feeling that much worse. She covered her nose with her jacket sleeve. A dark haze covered the room, and the windows had been blocked by dark curtains. Orion hurried to the window and opened the curtains and the window to let the breeze in. She took a deep breath before turning around. As much as she had hoped it was just her imagination, she was wrong.

There, her mother laid on the bed, resting peacefully forever. A small black journal laid on the nightstand next to her with bottles of pills. Orion stood sobbing at the corpse of her mother. She wanted more than anything to have heard her voice just one more time. She wanted her mother to have left the house behind and even Orion behind. At least then, she would still be alive. But, deep down, Orion knew her mother would never leave the house behind, nor Orion. It was the sickness that grew inside of her as soon as she saw the presents piled at the door.

"… Guess you couldn't wait forever…" Orion said softly and touched the blankets that covered her mother, "I'm so sorry mommy…" Tears streamed down her face. She fell down to her knees and began to sob loudly. Shifting around to her, have her back against the bed. "I'm so sorry!" She cried into her knees. The world seemed to go dark and time became an illusion. She didn't know how long she sat there crying, but long enough to have worried Penelope, who now sat in front of her with a sullen expression.

"I'm so sorry Ori.. I'm so sorry." She took Orion into her arms, and Orion began to cry more.

"I'm a terrible daughter! I'm terrible! I left her here alone! I left her and never came back! I left her Penny! I left her."

Penelope was silent. She held Orion and allowed her to feel every emotion that surfaced. They all came at once, getting a turn to feel what it was like to be released into the atmosphere created by death. Then suddenly, everything went quiet. Orion pulled herself away from Penelope and reached for the notebook on the nightstand. She ran her hand down the leather feel of it and pulled away the elastic band that held it shut.

Inside were all the stories Orion had created when she was younger. Rewritten word for word with her mother's handwriting. Her mother had wanted to remember all of them; she wanted to keep them close to her heart. Orion's eyes filled with tears once more as she flipped through the book. In the back of the book was a few letters addressed to her siblings and one for her:

_Dear Orion, my beloved daughter,_

_They say a mother should love all of her children equally, and I tried very hard to do that with you and your siblings. Every day it kills me to believe that I treated any of you differently than I had the other… and still, they all chose to be with their father, except you. Even then—I still love them, but you were always my special girl. I knew that when you were born. Too much like your momma, I hope that didn't ruin your life… I hope it didn't take your life… I want you to know that your stories kept me reliving every moment we spent together. Those were some of the best memories of being your mother. I love you and your siblings so very much, and my words could never come across to them like they did to you. I have sent you all the money I inherited from my parents and grandparents after their passing—I hope in this gesture, they might come to believe I loved them just as much as I loved you—but the loneliness is so overwhelming at times I wonder if they or… you might come and visit. I know it's silly, you are all living your best lives... and for some reason, I couldn't be apart of that... It's enough knowing you all are doing your best... You are doing your best right? Anyway, I'm rambling for much too long now... _

_I love you, Orion; never forget that you, baby girl, were destined for much more than the trivial lives that others lead. Your stories, your mind, are brilliant. I love you so much._

"Why didn't she ever tell me she was lonely…" Orion said aloud, "I would have came back if she told me…"

"Ori…" Penelope began and took Orion's hand, "She wanted you to live the life you wanted… even if that meant she wasn't going to be apart of it…" Penelope frowned and squeezed her hand.

"I… wish—I wish I would have known how to come back earlier…"

"You can't blame yourself Ori… it's not your fault."

Orion stood to her feet and brushed off her pants. She sighed deeply and stared off wistfully. Penelope stood back up as well.

"What do you wanna do now Ori?"

"She deserves to be buried or whatever she wanted in her will… and I should tell my siblings… and my dad…" Orion walked around the room with a frown on her face. "I know what I want to do with the money she gave me…" She turned back to face Penelope, a sad smile on her face. "I want to fix up this place… I want to fix up this house."

"You want to live here?" Penelope said with surprise in her voice.

"I… I just remember she wanted to fix a lot of things here… and I don't need the money for me… and I want to honor her in the only way I know how. She loved this house… that's why she never left. I want to do this for her." Orion could feel it now; her mother's spirit and soul still resided in the house, in the walls—the air; the moment she entered, she saw her mother's smile. Her mother was the house, and she would never leave her mother alone ever again.