The Horror of Injuring a Child Is as Much the Parent's Revulsion as the Horror of Dying

Your mission as a parent is to be a guide, not a guard.

The Tao Te Ching, a book of wisdom, was translated in virtually every language. Many scholars consider this Chinese classic volume as the collection of 81 verses that lead to a balanced, peaceful, and happy existence. About 100 short passages in this book describe a way of living that is moral, spiritual and harmonious.

The valuable wisdom of each verse can also be applied to the process of upbringing and parenting a child. I've chosen three quotes from two passages that have given me insight into life as a mother:

We live in a world of contrasts

"Under heaven, all can see beauty as beauty, only because there is ugliness. All can know good as good only because there is evil. Being and nonbeing produce each other. The difficult is born in the easy. Long is defined by short, the high by the low. Before and after go along with each other."

- Lao-Tzu 2nd Verse of "Tao Te Ching"

This verse from the book of wisdom teaches us about paradoxical existence. We live in a world of contrasts. To understand and appreciate beauty, we need to learn about ugliness. We can see white because we know what black looks like. The truth is born in lies. Pain makes pleasure so alluring.

As a mature person, I know the harsh and bitter taste of betrayal. I learned about the spiritual agony of a suffering heart and the physical soreness of broken bones. My desire to protect my child from all the hardships of this world is understandable. Is it possible to put him in the shell of my care and safekeeping? Yes, but this existence will be miserable.

He won't be able to recognize genuine friendship and companionship without knowing how disappointment and treachery hurts. Will he value and cherish his good health unless he knows how bitter the taste of the medicine is and how sore is the bruise from a clumsy fall? The minute I am not around anymore… what do I expect him to do? To learn how to clear up the road without ever holding a machete in his hand? Now, without my warning and protection, he'll cut and bruise his gentle hands severely because they are not used to hard work.

Sometimes I feel heavy, sinister, and troubled when I think about the future. The horror of injuring anyone so lovely as my son is almost as much the parent's revulsion as the horror of dying too early to see him grow, mature, and succeed. Who does not know what it is to feel at times a wave of unaccountable fear of being not good enough, to fail as a mother?

I meet his eye and see a look of answering intelligence in a three-year-old boy. The emptiness and disarray in my soul subside when he simply says, "Let me play. I know better." His expert eye notes the various perfections of the outside world. He does know better some things and trusts my judgment in others. I just need to let him free in areas he is an expert in and make him a professional in recognizing the dangers around.

Putting it in action

One of the many gifts of parenting is its mind-stretching quality. Especially in the way you see the paradox in life. You realize that instead of being forceful; you need to see the value of being humble and flexible.

My mission on this parenting journey

"Love vanquishes all attackers, it is impregnable in defense. When heaven wants to protect someone, does it send an army? No, it protects him with love."

- Lao-Tzu 67th Verse of "Tao Te Ching"

My mission on this parenting journey is to create an environment of trust and security so that my child feels love in the quantity he needs. I respect his emotions and value his innocence. I do not think if I teach him to trust, he may be too naïve when the time comes to stand on his own two feet. He will develop the intuition and sensitivity to read dishonesty if he knows the value of genuine feelings. Seeing my loving attitude, he will note any trace of betrayal ahead of time.

"She was a loving mother" - such is an imagined epitaph I should have. I cannot chop every evil thing that my son can meet in this unpredictable life. Snap, crunch, gobble, and there would be an end of all suffering - this is a utopia. I luxuriate in a pleasant thought that even if I cannot make his life empty of disappointment and failure; I can make it full of love, care, attention, appreciation, and gratitude.

I can imagine a child growing up in a family where he is scolded and misunderstood. The environment of selfishness and lack of love: where whatever love he gets is controlled and given in small amounts. Later in life, he won't be able to see white and black in people and relationships. He won't be able to trust his friends or spouse. He will look for a deceitful motive in any person's actions towards himself. He'll suspect unfaithfulness everywhere. And the pain of it he will taste in full because choosing the right person will be hard.

Without experiencing genuine love and care, he won't know if what he's got is good and worth cherishing. He will see a gaze of humiliation and think it may be a loving one because he saw the same thing coming from the very people he used to trust with his whole heart, his family. He will hear a deceitfully pleasant word from a frightful person and will consider it a genuine affection, because he has nothing to compare it with.

I should have the satisfaction of showing him the purpose and strength of my love, streaming unlimited, it will teach him to see the world and people in it as it is and as they are.

Putting it in action

I invite you to change your life by seeing it through the prism of love. Mercy, compassion, good-heartedness, love, kindness, and charity are the most important triggers in parenting. The key to living in harmony with your child is unconditional love.

• Extend compassion toward every form of life, toward your child and yourself.
• When you radiate love and respect, you teach your child the most valuable things in life.
• He finds strength in simplicity and humility, in frugality and charity, and most importantly - in love for all.

I teach my child to distinguish between what matters and what seems to matter

"From mercy comes courage. From frugality comes generosity. From humility comes leadership. Now if one were bold but had no mercy, if one were broad but were not frugal, if one went ahead without humility, one would die."

- Lao-Tzu 67th Verse of "Tao Te Ching"

My assignment in this parenting journey is to be a guide, not a guard; to explain the nature of things, good and bad, not hide their existence. I do not try to clear the road but predict the stony ground or the dark path through a forest full of dangers and prepare him, equip him with the right gear for the hard trip.

Life will throw temptation in my child's way. I make the distinction between bad and good clear. Drugs should be repulsive enough, genuine love - alluring enough. Life is full of these obstinate people who cultivate misunderstandings and confusion, make weaker characters accept against fear the unmoral and distracting habits. I make my child steady and purposeful. He should strive for a big change in himself, a huge dream ahead. Nothing harmful in the texture of this world should prevent him from becoming a person his loving parents can be proud of.

Putting it in action

You should not be all kind heart and nothing else: be wise and knowledgeable about the dangers out there.

• Carefully formulate the principles of what I call 'Rightful Life Sportsmanship': The one that knows the difference between what matters and what seems to matter wins.
• Kindness and love are the pillars of humane stability in life.