The Greatest Weapon in the European Household.

This isn’t just the story of any sandal; this is a story of a sandal very much like the story of ‘The Little Engine That Could’, except that in this version, the sandal is a weapon, and it positively can — for it can turn a peaceful Sunday gathering into a right-bloody massacre. The problem isn’t that the sandal thinks it can — it’s that it knows it can! That is precisely the kind of Kapcie that I’m talking about.

Yes, this ‘whatchamacallit’ we’re talking about is a Polish sandal! Kids fear it like they would the meter-long yardstick in afterschool detention — all it takes is a subtle gaze upon a pair of kapcie with the eyes of an experienced executioner, and instantly a room full of chaos goes quiet. No words are spoken. If, however, the situation should escalate to maximum disorder, a slight lifting of the sandal from the floor is sufficient for children to run bolting — and rightly so.

But it’s not just any breed of sandal that we are on about. No. It’s a finely woven breed that has experience with — dare I say — exceptional force, and every Polish lad who has ever encountered (or wielded the Kapcie) knows that looks can be deceiving: the especially detailed interior of these sandals instantly transforms them into a deadly addition to your household armoury.

So without further ado, this is the story of one of the most lethal of modern-day household instruments … in the arsenal of any Polish Jedi-master, or ninja. For this thingamajig is worn practically at all times and in all areas of the house, even, on occasion, whilst in the shower — so look out! — The Kapcie can be removed like a pistolero from the feet of a Hussar in an instant, and wielded like no other force in their repertoire. Guns, bats, mace, nunchucks, samurai swords, knives, the list goes on, but nothing quite compares to the Kapcie in modern warfare. The power of a swift kick with a Kapcie on one's foot is equivalent to 3000 Hussars charging down a hill and changing the fate of Western Civilization, yet again. This is not mythology; this is fact.

The popular phrase, ‘Who throws a shoe?’ Can take on a whole new meaning once you grasp the heel of the Kapcie for the first time … and feel the beautifully interwoven fabric running beneath your fingertips. At your discretion, and having sent a Kapcie sailing through the air — like an arrow from the bow of Paris — this sandal simply sings as if Paris had done it and took mighty Achilles straight to his demise.

Jason Bourne mastered the use of the ballpoint pen, but has yet to discover the versatility of the Kapcie. For there is no need for improvisation with the Kapcie in hand. And should there be another sequel, there will most definitely be at least one or two Kapcie at his disposal. You can bet on it! This modern instrument of lethality can be either thrown like a boomerang or held firmly to deliver a swift blow to the noggin as a one-time strike.

The man with several Kapcie — I tell ya — is to be respected. He's not just keeping a few in his home for guests, either. Treat him with caution, for he has established an uncanny taste for a variety of lethal doses that are administered to unsuspecting victims periodically and at intervals. Especially if you happen to cross the lawn that he's been working on all summer. Trust your instincts; he has a special taste for weapons of mass destruction. Authorities visit homes of survivors... and they don’t find any, only the Kapcie remain.