The Emotional Connect

The Emotional Connect

There is a lot of emphasis on academics and curricula; schemes of work and grades or scores. However, essential to all of these is the Emotional Connect. Without this our children cannot be successful. Without this, our most vulnerable learners will continue to be challenged. Moving forward, into a future where jobs, professions and careers may not yet exist emotional stability, connectedness, and resilience could prove to be vital skills. We are moving, ever more, into a future where flexibility and resilience will be fundamental.

The emotional connect relies upon the interplay of 3 key factors. All children experiencing learning differences, or life challenges, will have issues within some, or all of these aspects. There is overlap between them. However, all 3 factors impact upon all humans.

There is a growing movement, and research, into these areas within a variety of areas, including:

• Supporting troubled children with emotional and behavioural issues
• Supporting children with learning differences and challenges
• Supporting children who are on the autism spectrum
• Supporting children under the care of social services or within adopted families
• Supporting children (and adults) with anxiety disorders and / or PTSD

This article provides a brief overview and integrates three different but overlapping areas. It is not a therapy device and does not replace the role of counsellors or therapy sessions. It has been developed by integrating aspects of the work of various practitioners within these fields and sources are included for further follow up.

If you require more support, information or guidance contact a medical practitioner or counsellor who will understand, and advise, you, your history and your circumstances.

So, what are the ABC’s necessary to create the Emotional Connect and signpost the way to success?

Affection

Oxytocin is a hormone created in the hypothalamus. It’s a powerful bonding chemical. The good news is that oxytocin is free and widely available. We all have it and we can all share it. The ‘bad’ news is we cannot create it for ourselves. We create it for others and then, through reciprocity, we also receive it. Compassion, attachment, relationships and empathy all produce oxytocin.

Oxytocin is a powerful bridge to connection with children who are struggling. We need to connect and bond with them in a way that releases oxytocin. In that way they will feel positive towards themselves, and towards us; they will be more stable emotionally and so they will be more ready to learn.

Children experiencing challenges (learning, social, or emotional) are under pressure. No one is at their best when they are stressed – they are in fight, flight, or freeze mode and their brains are not capable of taking on new challenges and learning opportunities. Stress is an oxytocin inhibitor.

Whilst they are not able to learn, they are able to go into “survival mode.” They may not feel lovable, they will have low self-esteem and they will try to protect themselves – often by pushing away those around them.

We need to initiate positive interactions and generate oxytocin. Our energy towards a sad or lonely child is very different to that of an aggressive child. However, they are the same child. Aggressive children are not feeling scary – they are feeling vulnerable. The behaviour is a symptom of fear. This is the challenge: the more you can make them feel lovable the more lovable they will become – gradually!

“Every kid is one caring adult away from being a success story.” (Josh Shipp)

Brave

When our brain feels we need protection we feel anxious. The amygdala, which is in our brain, switches on to help us fight, or run away from, the danger. It is like a guard making us stronger, faster and more powerful. We feel these changes as they happen and that is how anxiety feels.

Children experiencing learning challenges, or emotional instability, experience a lot of anxiety. Children who have few, if any, friends or family connections, also feel a lot of anxiety.

The amygdala automatically floods the body with oxygen, hormones and adrenalin, even before it has checked to see if the response is warranted. Sometimes, the amygdala works even when there is no real danger because it can’t tell the difference between a real threat and something that might be a threat – for example, a real fire, or a fire alarm practice or drill. The amygdala switches on to provide protection because that’s its job. But if there is no real threat, or danger, then our body is full of extra oxygen, hormones and adrenalin that feel uncomfortable.

Anxiety is a very real impediment to learning and there are various strategies to implement, gradually and over time in order to create new habits of mind. Being resilient is about reflecting on a problem and trying something different if one way didn’t work. Are we better today than we were yesterday? Have we got a plan for the next time? The focus should not be on the specific event or ‘trigger’ but on the reactions and emotions. There will always be another trigger, often unpredictable and possibly beyond control. We need to address the responses and reactions which can, gradually and over time, be controlled through developing different habits of mind.

There are 4 attitudes, or skills, which will help develop resilience. They can be taught, modelled, and rehearsed:

1. Tolerating uncertainty

2. Being a problem solver

3. Increasing independence

4. Being a positive thinker versus being a catastrophic thinker

(Catastrophic thinkers imagine the worst and describe events using negative superlatives – never, nobody, always, nothing, worst).

Finding small ways to purposefully develop these four attitudes will cumulatively develop resilience and minimize anxiety. They will support the ‘Brave’ inside.

I have written more about various strategies to work towards this in my booklet; Brave.

"We don’t help kids manage challenging feelings, we help them transform them into confidence, courage, and resilience!" (GoZen)

Clan

Connection allows interaction. We are social beings and we want to feel included and accepted. This can be a real challenge for some of our more vulnerable learners. It is important to find their interest and passion and then connect them to others with similar interests and passions. Find their sense of belonging.

Find ways to increase opportunities to make fun routine – enjoy time with each other. Enjoying shared times together will increase the value of the relationships, and trust. Dopamine will be released, which increases the feeling of wellbeing. Increasing positive shared times can be ‘banked’ against the challenging behaviours and trigger events which will arise. Gradually, over time, as connection grows so the behaviours will dissipate.

If they don’t express an interest or passion, yet, then allow them as many opportunities as possible to ‘sample’ different hobbies, activities and pathways. They will find something, eventually. Respect the choice and encourage a commitment to it. This will allow them to develop grit and persistence.

The opposite of anxiety is trust. Having strong relationships with trusted people is vital. Anxiety is an internalising state, building from personal perceptions. Having strong external connections and being outwardly engaged changes perspective from internal to external.

One study showed that lack of social connection is a greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure. People who feel more connected to others have lower rates of anxiety and depression. (House, JS, Landis, K, & Umberson, D, 1988)

Another way to develop a sense of belonging is through service opportunities. Encourage active links with others through helping, or community service. Anxiety can be isolating, but service to others can

1. Help us to make links with others,

2. Empathise and see that others have worries or problems

3. Regain, or alter, perspective

4. Have control over improving things for someone else

Whilst we cannot enforce friendships, we can and should enforce respect, tolerance, and acceptance.

In summary

This is not a quick or easy approach. It takes time and a genuine mindset. It might seem counter-intuitive and will certainly raise challenges. Your reactions need to be authentic, and they need to become a habit. Do the work ahead of any issues or triggers so that skills can develop gradually. Eventually these attitudes can be drawn from and applied when most needed.

A routine becomes a habit and a habit becomes an automatic response.

Routine is important because it:

1. Reduces anxiety

2. Provides a sense of structure and certainty

3. Leads to independence and a feeling of control

4. Reduces processing load

5. Reduces memory load

6. Develops a positive routine

7. Develops executive functioning

8. Can be drawn on during fight, flight, or freeze moments

It does not replace the need for boundaries and consequences, but these need to be pre-determined and neutrally administered. They cannot arise during the heat of the moment.

Some action points moving forward:

 Model empathy to generate empathy

 Language can be a medicine and create endorphins – think of your words as medicine

 The child you least want to connect with will be the child who most needs the connection.

 Develop positive habits of mind

 Connect

 Establish boundaries in neutral times when emotions are steady, and the brain can be receptive

 Start small with routine conversational exchanges, and noticing

 Be patient and be kind to yourself – just as with our oldest friends, connection did not happen immediately.

Remember: This article provides a brief overview and integrates three different but overlapping areas. It is not a therapy device and does not replace the role of counsellors or therapy sessions. It has been developed by integrating aspects of the work of various practitioners within these fields and sources are included for further follow up.

If you, or someone you know, requires more support, information or guidance contact a medical practitioner or counsellor who will understand, and advise, you, given your specific history and circumstances.

Resources and References

Angela Duckworth (2016) Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2018/04/harvard-researchers-study-how-mindfulness-may-change-the-brain-in-depressed-patients/

House, J,S, Landis, K, R, & Umberson, D Social relationships and health Science 29 Jul 1988:Vol. 241, Issue 4865, pp. 540-545

Josh Shipp - www.joshshipp.com

Jennifer Kolari - www.connectedparenting.com

Karen Young - https://www.heysigmund.com/about/

Lynn Lyons - https://www.lynnlyonsnh.com/

Payne Bryson, T, & Siegel, D (2012) The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Proven Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind

Renee Jain - https://gozen.com/