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The Audacity of a Child

Keeping Them Strong

By Karolyn Denson LandrieuxPublished about a year ago 7 min read
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My youngest granddaughter judges me. Frankly she judges everybody, but she judges me for having crumbs on the dining room, kitchen and often living room floors. She judges me with so much audacity. The crumbs on my floor are exclusively because of her but that doesn’t deter the judgment. I watched her throw a clump of rice from her high chair table onto said floor because it was “too loud”, yet she still judges me. Her “Gigi, there are crumbs” is said with so much indignation that I am speechless. Anyone that knows me knows that speechless doesn’t usually happen. When I let her know that she was almost solely responsible for the crumb situation, I am completely ignored. I get side eye and more judgment if any acknowledgment at all for my comment. This is the same little girl that would remove her soiled pull-up after nap time and throw it overboard from her crib to land mid-room. When her mommy would ask her why there is a nappy on the floor, and if she was responsible for it’s location, she would reply “ I don't see it” shooing her away with a royal wave of her tiny hand. I want to live my life with that kind of audacity.

Somewhere along the way our audacity becomes littered by self doubt. Children are vulnerable. Especially our girls. I remember being in my grandmother’s kitchen alone one summer afternoon. I was about 9 or 10. The neighborhood paperboy decided to let himself in that day. He just appeared from nowhere. My grandmother didn’t keep the back door locked during the day. Various visitors would drop by throughout any given time to see her. This day, I happened to be alone. This person was never a welcomed visitor in my grandmother’s house. I don’t recall exactly if he attempted to grab at me or maybe it was the look on his face but I knew I was in danger. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I took a step backwards. I went into fight or flight mode immediately. I didn't scream or call out to anyone which in hindsight was probably a good thing. I met his maniacal stare dead on. He didn’t come any closer thankfully but turned around and left. Later in life he was imprisoned for committing murder. Who knows what fate I escaped that day. Women aren’t even safe in our own homes. Unfortunately, that was not the last time I had that same feeling. I’m sure if you ask any woman of a certain age they will tell you that it has happened to them. Some escape unharmed. Some are not as lucky. Knowing this, we should protect one another. We don't always do that though. Attending an all girls school allowed a safe place for me in one of the most vulnerable times of my life. I assumed it would be the same for my granddaughters. It wasn’t.

I’m not sure when it happens exactly that the erosion of our audacity starts to be chipped away, but it’s early. Especially if you are a girl of color. It starts with tiniest of micro-aggressions and colorism bullying. It’s in the images that we see in media and on television. It’s the narrative that we hear all around us. Already my granddaughter’s self esteem and worth is being eroded from the most unlikely source. It’s heartbreaking. The elder granddaughter has already asked her mommy the very painful questions that every black and brown mom knows is coming once they start school. This is often reinforced by the lack of images that look like them on television and in books or media. It’s reinforced by the parents of their classmates and even by their teachers and care-givers. Recently my granddaughter’s exclusive and expensive private school has failed her in the most heinous way conceivable. She is as a brown skinned, African American, neuro-diverse child that may possibly be on the spectrum. As people of color we have to present as perfection to be accepted. We have to navigate in unfamiliar territory without ever making a misstep. It’s exhausting. Too many of the boxes that need to be checked for her continued acceptance began to unravel. The school expelled her without following proper protocol and without any sensible explanation. It happened in a matter of hours although I believe there was a plan brewing longer than we were actually aware of. This has devastated our entire family. The repercussions are huge. Already at 5 she is a victim of discrimination that she is completely unaware exists. It’s a terrible lesson to learn at 5. My dear friend that is a therapist says that the vast majority of her patients have suffered this kind of trauma early in life that then manifests in adulthood. We do not know what kind of trauma this will cause for her and her sister. We don’t know what kind of trauma this will cause for her classmates and her friends. Their world has been upended. The school’s unwillingness to do the right thing will cause more devastation than they will ever admit. The idea that two women in a decision making position feel the necessity to erase a 5 year olds existence is infuriating and shameful. They have to know that what they did is wrong. I’m calling on my good friend and sister Karma, as well as an excellent attorney, to right this wrong. Girlfriend has never let me down so far.

Fortunately, my granddaughter has so much love and support that we will get through it. We know how this system works, so we are equipped to counter act most of it; at least on the surface. But what about the young people that don't have the support, resources and knowledge to fight? What happens to them? I get that this world is truly unfair. We will always have our battles. But why should we have to start fighting them so young? Why can’t we just enjoy Kindergarten and preschool for goodness sake? I refuse to allow them to erase my girls. Our ancestors fought too hard for us to be here. As much as I would like to lay down the weapons and just coexist its still not possible. To quote Beyoncé “you wont break my soul” and I sure as heck won’t let you break my granddaughter’s either.

I am cognitive of what I watch and read. I associate myself with positive people and I am careful of whom I allow in my inner circle. It’s very easy to allow negative voices to get inside ones head. Much of the content of what we see, read or hear is designed to persuade us. I guard my self esteem and my psyche like Fort Knox. Confidence is important to success and sometimes mere survival. I believe in lifting up anyone that is in my presence, even if it seems innocuous. A simple compliment or nod of appreciation can go a very long way. We have to know that we belong and we deserve to be here. I offer that assurance to everyone that crosses my path. We all deserve to be celebrated. Every single one of us.

My goal for the next decade is to get back that childlike audacity. I need to attain the same level of self worth that my 3 year old granddaughter has. The audacity of innocence. I know I had that once. I believe we are all born with it. I also believe that after a certain age we give ourself permission to get it back.

There is a beautiful poem titled “When I Am Old by Jenny Joseph. The first stanza reads:

“When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,”

Incidentally purple is my oldest granddaughter’s favorite color. Wearing purple takes audacity on a good day leave alone after a certain age. That’s the kind of nerve I’m going for… with a red hat to boot!

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About the Creator

Karolyn Denson Landrieux

Karolyn lives in Paris and Pittsburgh. She loves travel and has travelled most of the world, she enjoys time at home with family. Whether it's cooking, painting, designing or writing, creativity is her passion. @karolynd88 @maxineandbeanie

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