THE AMAZING BEAN CAKE

When I was a little boy and was certain that monsters lived in my closet and crept out into my room at night, my father being more imaginative than my mother, would sometimes read me a bedtime story until I fell asleep but more often, he would make one up—he was good at that. The fairy tale that stands out in my mind foremost, which of course I’ve taken many liberties, is The Amazing Bean Cake. He would usually tell this story when I was very sad, like when my grandma, grandpa and my little puppy died. It was difficult not to smile and near the end of his story, it was impossible to stop laughing when he used his armpit for sound effects. Looking back, I think his telling this story also helped alleviate his own sadness.

My dad has been dead for many years, but if I put my mind to it, I can almost see him sitting on the edge of my bed as he begins, “Once upon a time, within a tiny kingdom called Flatuasia stood an old castle. Within its stone walls lived a young princess whose name was Penelope. She was very pretty, and the people of that land affectionately called her Princess Penny. Her sixth birthday was just a few days away and she was really looking forward to her party. It would be a happy occasion and celebrated by all the townspeople and farmers throughout the land.

The queen of Flatuasia, a rather plump woman with rosy red cheeks, sparkling green eyes and coal black hair streaked with silver had asked her daughter what she would like for a birthday gift. She could have anything her heart desired: a pretty pony, a wardrobe full of fancy dresses, exquisite dolls, plus games and toys of every description. The princess had declined all of her kind offers and said what she really wanted was to be in charge of baking her own birthday cake—a super huge cake that had gold and silver coins hidden within its multitude of deliciously sweet layers.

The queen didn’t especially like the idea. However, when the princess told her that she already had everything she ever wanted and would much rather give a little something to the people of Flatuasia, the queen reluctantly gave in to her daughter’s wishes. Princess Penny was very happy that her mother had consented and instantly ran down to the royal kitchen as fast as her little legs would go. Little did her mother know; her daughter’s birthday celebration would be forever remembered and talked about for many years to come.

The royal baker, a small, chubby man with a ruddy complexion, an infectious smile and sporting a thin, black moustache was ecstatic when Princess Penny told him that the queen had allowed her to be in charge of creating the birthday cake. His eyes twinkled when she asked if some coins could be hidden inside the cake and how large it would be if each person were allowed to have at least two pieces. He told her that the small treasures would be wrapped in wax paper, but the cake would be of monstrous proportions and too large to fit in the ovens. However, after giving it a little more thought, he told her that it was possible to bake such a cake. It would have to be baked in sections and then assembled before lathering it with icing. However, when she mentioned the cake’s ingredients, a startled look of disbelief quickly spread across his face totally erasing his smile,

Flatuasia was a rich land, its rolling meadows and hills known throughout the world for growing beans, beans of every size, colour and variety. The farmers grew other crops as well, such as tomatoes, peas, beets, radishes, carrots, corn, barley and wheat, but what they produced best was beans. Tall sailing ships from every country were sent to the tiny kingdom. However, the captains and their crews didn’t stay very long, only as long as it took to fill the ship’s holds with beans. It wasn’t because they didn’t like the Flatuasians or were treated badly; it was because they detested the awful smell that clung to Flatuasia, which was caused by the people because they ate too many beans every day. They ate them at breakfast, lunch and supper; it was their main staple. But it wasn’t just because they loved the taste of beans; they loved the effect the beans had on them as well. They would laugh and giggle, point at one another every time one of them farted; the louder and longer the fart; the better.

However, when the queen was about to give birth and wanted to invite other royal members, prime ministers and presidents from other countries around the world to see the next in line for the royal throne, she felt embarrassed and decreed a law forbidding the consumption of beans. Anyone caught eating beans could be heavily fined or even thrown in a dungeon. The Flatuasians were of course very unhappy with the new law. Although the air was once again pure, the people were not very jovial, in fact quite miserable, so the ships still didn’t remain very long.

The royal baker stood with his hands on his hips and adamantly told Princess Penny it wasn’t possible to bake that kind of birthday cake; the queen would most likely have his head instead of throwing him into one of the dungeons. How could he bake such a cake when almost all the ingredients were beans? However, the princess, being as cute as a button, usually getting her way with everyone, finally persuaded him to bake the cake. Since he was the royal baker, the best baker in all of Flatuasia, he decided that if he were to lose his head over this cake, at least it would be the most wonderful cake, the most amazing cake the world would ever see. Not only would it be the largest; it would be the prettiest and tastiest as well.

Although he had recipes for all types of bean cakes, he decided this would be a brand-new recipe, a recipe extraordinaire. He had his workers go to the cellars and bring him bags of beans, not only grown in Flatuasia but also imported from other countries. They fetched bags of Peruvian lima beans, Japanese adzuki beans, Brazilian broad beans, Spanish black beans, Indian garbanzo beans, Chinese soybeans and even some rare bags of Himalayan wild mung beans, Navajo Anasazi beans and one bag rumoured to be from Jack’s famous beanstalk. They were emptied into huge metal containers along with bags of kidney, pinto, and fire beans, then ground into flour. When the flour was mixed together creating swirls of different colours, the royal baker added dozens and dozens of eggs, pounds and pounds of butter and of course sacks and sacks of sugar. All the ingredients were then mixed with gallons of rich milk and sprinkled with a wee bit of yeast. The cake, since it was of such an enormous size was baked in oven-sized sections, then carefully placed together and stacked on top of one another with the small treasures evenly spaced throughout. While the cake was being baked, cooled and formed, the bakers then mixed a rich, ever so sweet, thick chocolate icing, made of course from the finest ground Peruvian cocoa and coffee beans. And the part of the cake, the finishing touch, which was entirely Princess Penny’s idea and really added some brilliant colour, were the countless jellybeans placed in intricate designs all over the icing.

When the cake had been completely decorated, including six large, thin candles strategically placed at the very top, the royal baker and all his fellow workers stood in awe of this enormous, spectacular creation. The cake towered over their heads; it was so high they had had to use ladders in order to assemble all the tiers. Although the cake’s sweet aroma was mouth-watering, neither he nor the rest of his stalwart crew dared one lick; they knew it was potentially dangerous and would set their pants on fire!

Princess Penny was also overwhelmed by the royal baker’s birthday creation; the cake was just as she had imagined. It had been carefully constructed on an enormous wagon, which would be pulled by six white horses into the castle’s main courtyard, so that when the queen and the dignitaries from all over the world took their balcony seats overlooking all the people of Flatuasia, the princess would be able to easily bend over the balustrade and blow out the candles.

The next day was Princess Penelope’s birthday. She was so excited; she could hardly wait for her birthday party to begin. She was eager to see the expressions on everyone’s face when they saw the horse-drawn gigantic cake and especially after they discovered the little treasures secreted into each slice. However, when she saw the sorrowful expressions of the royal baker and his helpers standing in a row, she became a little worried. Although she was certain the queen would understand and not punish them, she still couldn’t help but wonder what the outcome would be if her mother really lost her sense of humor. Somehow, she really didn’t think that would happen, so she smiled, curtsied and thanked them one and all for preparing the most spectacular birthday cake.

That night, as usual, the queen went to her daughter’s bed chambers. After the princess had put on her night clothes, she knelt beside the bed and cupped her hands together in prayer. After asking God’s blessing for everyone that was dear to her, she also whispered an extra one for the royal baker and his helpers. The queen thought it was a little unusual, but because of the amount of time her daughter had spent with the bakers the past few days, she quickly put the idea out of her mind. After the queen tucked her daughter into bed, kissed her on the cheek, said goodnight and then blew out the bedside candle, she considered going to see the cake. However, since her daughter wanted it to be a big surprise, no one, not even her, the Queen of Flatuasia, was allowed to see the cake, she refrained from doing so.

The next morning, just as the sun peeked over the distant mountains to shine on all of Flatuasia, Princess Penny awoke. Unable to contain her excitement and the joy of the soon to be birthday celebration, she quickly dressed and ran down the castle’s winding stone stairway and through the halls to take another look at her birthday cake. The bean cake’s many tiers covered in thick icing and colourful jellybeans bathed in sunlight were a beautiful sight; one she would always remember and cherish. She was tempted to dip her finger into the chocolate icing but held back, like the royal baker, she didn’t want to risk giving away her secret, at least not yet.

Princess Penny watched the scurrying servants as they made the final preparations for the birthday party. They were arranging large wooden tables with benches and setting places for all the soon to be arriving guests, some of which had traveled from many distant lands. She listened to the musicians tuning up their instruments and watched the jesters and jugglers as they practiced their routines. It was going to be a fun time for everyone, and the princess was hoping that the most fun would occur after they had all had their fill of the marvelous birthday cake.

The party festivities would begin at noon, and already, though it was still early in the morning, the farmers and villagers were beginning to arrive. This was one day they really looked forward to, not just because it was a fun time but because they simply adored Princess Penny; she brought a special sparkle and joy into their lives every time they saw her.

The queen was busy dashing here and there giving orders to the servants; she didn’t want anything to go wrong; everything had to be perfect. Even though her daughter was still a child, some of the royal guests were bringing their sons in hopes of perhaps making a match. Everyone is so serious; oh, to be a child again the queen thought. She wasn’t in a rush for the princess to grow up and be married; there would be time enough for that when she was of age. For now, the queen only wanted her daughter to be happy and have fun; to be the child she missed being, because when she was a little girl her mother had dreams of grandeur for her and was very strict. It had been hard for her not to meddle in the preparation of the cake but somehow she had confidence that her daughter’s creation would be a hit with everyone, especially the people of Flatuasia since they would be receiving a gift in each piece of cake.

Princess Penny heard the queen giving orders rather than saw her as she headed toward the stables. The livery man in charge was no where in sight when she entered the huge barn but she could see the stable boys and grooms were busily preparing the harnesses and grooming the six white horses, which would be pulling the cart containing the huge birthday cake. As she stood in the sunlight shining through the large door and breathed in the warm aroma of hay and horses, two of her favorite smells, she thought, this is going to be the best birthday party ever!

Princess Penny slowly walked between two rows of stalls stopping to admire every horse in the royal stable. She knew each horse by name. Even though the six white horses looked almost identical, she could tell them apart. Cobbler was slightly dappled on the hind end, Freckles of course had some small dark spots across the muzzle, Silver had a few streaks of black in the mane, Lightning was absolutely pure white, Rusher had pink lips and Briar, her favorite, had greyish eyebrows. When she reached Briar’s stall at the end of the barn, the horse came to meet her. She stroked his forehead as he nuzzled the palm of her hand and then her pocket; Briar knew that the princess always brought him an apple when she came to see him. And he was not disappointed as she held it out to him, her palm flat so that he wouldn’t mistakenly nip her fingers.

As Briar was devouring the apple, the queen entered the barn. When she saw her daughter at the far end of the stables, she sent one of the stable boys to fetch her. As soon as Princess Penny arrived, the queen told her that she should go to her room and get properly dressed for the celebration. She wanted her to wear the new outfit that had been sewn especially for her birthday. Since the princess had yet to see her new birthday clothes and was so excited, she hugged the queen and then quickly dashed off, playfully singing and skipping as she went.

The door to Princess Penny’s bedroom chambers was open when she arrived. A maid was just laying out her birthday outfit on the bed and she smiled at the princess as she watched her run over to the bed, her face beaming with delight at the sight of her new clothes.

Princess Penny wanted to put on her new birthday outfit immediately, but the maid said she should first bathe and have her long, blonde curly hair combed and braided. Somewhat reluctantly, the princess disrobed and climbed into the tub, which was filled with hot water and tiny, fragrant soapy bubbles. The maid cheerfully hummed as she washed the princess and scrubbed her back with a soft sponge. When she began washing the princess’ feet, it tickled so much she giggled and begged her to stop. After the princess was squeaky-clean, the maid dried her off with a large soft towel and then buffed her hair until it was almost dry.

As soon as Princess Penny was dressed in a warm robe, the maid sat her down in front of a huge mirror and began combing and braiding her long, blonde curly hair. When the two pigtails were completely braided, glistening like plaited gold in the sunlight streaming through her bedroom window, the maid then carefully attached two huge pink bows to the ends of each braid and told the princess that she looked absolutely adorable.

Princess Penny was very pleased with her two pigtails and then asked the maid to help her get dressed. First, she squeezed into her white, silk underwear, which looked more like a pair of short pantaloons. When she put on her fluffy, white petticoats of which there were actually three and they were all properly arranged, she donned her birthday dress, which came down just below her knees. It was made of pink satin, the same as the bows attached to her braids with lots of flowers intricately embroidered with silver and gold thread across the top. The collar and the ends of each long sleeve were garnished with frilly white lace. After the maid tightened and tied the laces at the back of the dress, the princess lifted it a little and began twirling around the room. She was the picture of happiness and beauty.

The maid beamed at the princess and told her the queen was waiting; it was almost time for the birthday celebration to begin. After the maid slipped a pair of long white socks and red, shiny shoes onto her feet, the princess stood in front of the mirror for a moment, admiring the way she looked, before she danced out of the bedroom chambers and down the long stone hallway leading to the queen’s parlor. She was so excited and eager to begin the festivities, the two guards standing at attention in front of the queen’s quarters barely had time to bow and open the large double doors for her.

The queen was quietly sitting by a window overlooking the square below where all the people of Flatuasia were gathering. She was thinking that they didn’t look as happy as they used to be whenever there was a grand celebration like the princess’ birthday, and for that matter, neither was she. However, when the princess suddenly ran into the room, her dress and petticoats billowing around her, the queen’s face brightened with pleasure.

Hugging her daughter tightly, the queen told Princess Penny what was to be expected of her when she was introduced to many of the world’s leaders and dignitaries who were already seated on the large balcony overlooking the palace square awaiting her birthday celebrations. Since she was so young, she wasn’t expected to be introduced to each one separately but to everyone as a whole. The important part for her to remember was to delicately take hold of her dress and curtsy politely when introduced.

Now that her daughter was appropriately ready for the birthday celebration to begin, the queen sent a message to a horn-blower located in the highest tower of the palace who would announce the arrival of Princess Penelope. When they heard the musical introduction, the doors of the queen’s chambers were opened, and they went hand in hand out of the room and down the hallway towards the balcony where all the royal guests were patiently waiting. As soon as they neared the entrance to the balcony, the royal guards bowed and then opened the doors. All the guests stood and clapped while the people of Flatuasia wildly cheered when they walked out onto the balcony. As instructed, the princess curtsied daintily and smiled her brightest smile to the guests and waved to the people below.

As soon as Princess Penelope’s birthday was officially announced, the food began being served: large platters of roast turkey and beef, bowls of mashed potatoes, large mugs of gravy and plates of various vegetables—accept of course—no beans. On this special day, the people of Flatuasia were served the same food as the royal guests of honor. As soon as the main portion of the meal was finished, the horn-blower once again blew his long brass horn. Upon hearing the official introduction, the huge gates of the royal bakery slowly opened.

The royal baker and his helpers were very nervous. However, despite their fears, they managed to smile while the six white horses began hauling the gargantuan birthday cake into the courtyard. When the wagon came to a halt, the cake was directly in front of the queen’s balcony. Everyone was awe struck when they saw the gigantic cake, even the royal guests had never seen anything like it before. Upon command, a servant lit the six tall candles, which had been placed at the top of the cake. The queen, her royal guests and the people of Flatuasia all stood as the princess bent over the balcony’s stone railing and began blowing the candles out. When the last candle was extinguished, everyone cheered heartily and began singing happy birthday, much to the princess’ delight.

After Princess Penelope finished cutting the first slice of cake, ladders were set in place so the servants could slice the remainder of it into pieces. Despite the fact there were a great deal of people in attendance, it wasn’t long before everyone had a piece of cake placed in front of them.

Everyone was in a joyous mood except the royal baker and his helpers. Although they were still smiling, they were very afraid their heads would roll as soon as the queen realized the ingredients of the cake. Before anyone could begin eating their cake, they had to wait for the princess to take the first bite. Not to keep them waiting any longer than necessary, Princess Penelope cut off a piece of cake with her fork and held it high over her head. When she placed it daintily into her mouth, everyone cheered with delight and began devouring their piece of cake.

Everyone exclaimed how good the cake tasted, including the royal guests and even the queen. However, the royal baker and his helpers, although they liked the taste of the cake as well, they shuddered when the queen offered everyone another slice. They were hoping that one piece of the lethal bean cake would not cause any problems but two—two was really pushing it to the limit. As they nervously ate their second piece, they kept glancing around to see if it was having any effect on the citizens of Flatuasia, the royal guests and especially the queen. Before they finished eating the last bite, they felt their stomachs beginning to rumble and noticed several nearby people looking rather anxious as they shifted around in their seats. Looking up at the balcony, they could also see that the royal guests and the queen were looking somewhat agitated too. It wasn’t long before everyone had a rumbling stomach when the gas, which was caused by the beans, began to build. They were constantly shifting positions in their seats, crossing their legs and rolling their eyes while attempting to contain the gas.

Princess Penelope knew what was about to happen and had a hard time containing her laughter as she watched her mother squirming in her seat. The queen’s face was getting redder and redder, almost turning purple as she tried controlling her rumbling stomach and the rapidly expanding gas. She pursed her lips and pinched the cheeks of her bum tightly, but it was all in vain. While everyone fidgeted in their seat, afraid to let out any gas because of the harsh consequences, the queen, obviously red with embarrassment but unable to contain the gas any longer, began to slowly let it out. She was hoping that no one would be able to hear it and was praying that no one would be able to smell its obnoxious aroma. At first, the escaping gas sounded like a high pitched whistle, which everyone in the kingdom, including her guests, could clearly hear but when it turned into a very loud phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhharrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt the queen was enraged because she suddenly realized the cake’s ingredients—beans! She was about to summon her royal baker when the townsfolk and the royal guests unable to contain themselves any longer, one by one began releasing gas. The sounds were unbelievable, everything from a tiny whistling phhhhhhhhhharrrrrt to a loud kaboooooooooooooom and the smell, although somewhat sweet, was still incredibly obnoxious.

Many Flatuasians were pinching their noses and covering their mouths, not so much because of the stinky escaping gas but they were trying to contain their snickers and giggles. The royal guests were doing the same too, until Princess Penelope who was once again bent over the balcony looking at the squirming people below finally let go a huge, incredibly loud phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhharrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt, the force of the gas billowing up her dress and all the petticoats as well. Unable to contain themselves any longer, the guests began to roar with laughter, never had they ever seen or heard anything so funny, especially coming from a royal princess. Princess Penelope began laughing when she saw the royal guests holding onto their sides laughing hysterically. The queen unable to contain herself any longer because the laughter was so infectious began to laugh as well. Every now and then there would be a quiet moment, that is, until someone let out a very loud phhhhhhhhhharrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt, then fingers would point, and gales of laughter would once again resume.

The royal baker and his helpers were still unsure about their fate, but they couldn’t refrain from laughing. They, like so many others, were laughing so hard, they were actually rolling on the ground with tears streaming down their cheeks. When the queen asked if anyone would like another piece of cake, everyone cheered for more and laughed even harder!

The Flatuasians were so overcome with laughter and joy that they hardly noticed the little treasures they found inside the bean cake. When the last piece of cake had been eaten, the delicious icing licked from their finger tips and the birthday celebration came to an end, they slowly wandered back to their homes, their laughter and occasional frrrrrrrrrrrrrrummmmp and phhhhaaarrrrrrrrrrt could still be heard echoing throughout the hills and across the meadows of Flatuasia. The royal guests excused themselves as well, bowing before the queen and telling Princess Penelope that they thoroughly enjoyed her birthday party and were looking forward to her next one.

The queen was so overjoyed by the success of her daughter’s birthday party that she immediately decreed that eating beans and anything else associated with a bean was to be once more a way of life. And, instead of reprimanding her royal baker and his helpers, she praised them for the wonderful bean cake they had created. And so it was, everyone in the kingdom was once again very happy, even if a somewhat stinky aroma persistently hovered over Flatuasia.”

I have of course told this fairy tale to my own children when they were young and they in turn, told their kids. However, I should mention, that when my father wasn’t in the mood to tell such a lengthy story, he would much to my chagrin, perhaps tell the shortest fairy tale ever told, “Once upon a time, they lived happily ever after.”