Straight People Make Gay and Trans Kids

In early 2010 I had a 2 year old and was pregnant with another baby. I loved going to the library for a free and fun activity with her. One trip stands out to me in particular. My little girl with her long blonde pigtails bounced over to me with a cute book about two penguins and their baby. She excitedly asked to check it out so we added it to our growing pile of books. It was called And Tango Makes Three. We were reading a lot of books about new babies in preparation for the big transition of adding one to our own home.

We arrived home and sat down to read our new books. When we got to And Tango Makes Three I remember being bothered by it. This book is based on a true story of two male penguins who raised a chick together. I said to my husband a phrase I had heard repeatedly growing up. “I don’t care if people are gay but why do they need to shove it in our faces? Why are they pushing it on toddlers?” I am cringing as I write these words I once said about a beautiful story of love and family. At that point I still believed these things I’d heard growing up. Things like, “I don’t want to know what you do in your bedroom” and “can’t they just quietly love each other? Why do they have to make such a big deal about it?” This story is really the beginning of my journey as the mother of queer kids. Little did I know back then that the kid I was reading this book to, and saying these things in front of, is a lesbian.

We welcomed our second baby and I didn't think much about that book again for a while. Eventually I found a forum of mothers who focused on raising children with grace and meeting them where they are with gentle and positive parenting. One day when my kids were both still toddlers, I don’t remember how it came up, someone on this forum said, “Straight people make gay kids.” This got me thinking. I was immersing myself in this paradigm that said our kids deserve unconditional love and aimed to meet people where they are with love. I fully embraced and believed this way of parenting was right for me and my children. Nothing in the world could make me love these kids less. In the same thread someone mentioned the depression and suicide rates of kids who aren’t supported when they come out as well as for kids who are closeted because of fear of rejection. I may not remember many details about the thread or what brought it up but I clearly remember looking at my babies and feeling pain over the thought of them fearing I would reject them for who they love. I decided right then and there that I would learn more about the LGBTQ+ community and raise my kids as a vocal ally.

According to The Trevor Project, LGBTQ+ kids are nearly five times more likely to commit suicide than their straight peers. This number is over eight times higher if they live in highly rejecting families compared to living in families that are accepting and supportive. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in tweens, teens, and young adults. This is a serious risk that I wanted to do everything in my power to help prevent for my kids.

Not long after I began learning about LGBTQ+ issues my second born began saying they were a boy sometimes and a girl other times. They were two, almost three, when this began. My husband and I had luckily been talking about everything I’d been learning and we decided to go with what they were telling us. We had learned that toddlers are just beginning to understand gender so we didn’t leap to conclusions, but we also wanted them to know that they could identify any way they chose and we would follow their lead. When they were around 6 or 7 they learned the term nonbinary. They began exploring that gender as well. They would spend a few days as a boy, go back to being a girl, then a few months later try out nonbinary for a week or two. Now, at 10 they are fully out as nonbinary. Their coming out was pretty uneventful. They knew that they are loved and supported so they casually informed me that they had realized they/them pronouns feel best and asked me to use those pronouns only. It was likewise uneventful when my oldest child came out to me. At first she suspected she may be bi, then as she grew into puberty realized all her crushes are on girls. She let me know and I said something along the lines of, “great. I am so glad you let me know. Do you want to talk about it more?”

I am so grateful for the thread that led me to realize I wanted to raise my kids as a vocal ally so they would never be afraid to come out to me. I have since had 2 more children who so far don’t identify as LGBTQ+ but they are young still. They understand their sibling’s gender fully and it is no big deal to them. They know their sister likes girls, not boys and that is also completely normal to them. I have found that explaining gay and trans people to children is simple and appropriate. They are very accepting and everything is new to them so they don’t have the ego or ingrained stereotypes adults often do. The kindness and compassion I see all my kids showing for others is a wonderful bonus of learning to parent as an ally. I am so glad I never have to find out what kind of pain I would have inflicted on my children had I not come across the idea that Straight People Make Gay Kids.

The greatest advice I can give to new parents is that straight and cis people make gay and trans children so love them in a way that they aren’t afraid to come out to you. Love them in a way that lowers their risk of depression and suicide. Learn to be an ally and let your kids hear you being an ally so that if they are queer they know they’re safe to tell you and if they are not they can be a safe person for others.