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SOMETIMES (part 8 of 8)

A memoir of a kid who changed the way the world was pushing her

By Christine GarzaPublished 3 years ago 30 min read
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SOMETIMES-8

141-A Mickey Mouse Wedding

So, we got married in Disneyland instead. A destination wedding before they got trendy!

We did talk it over and I was very relieved I would be able to wear jeans to my wedding. This, I thought, should be a celebration of life. A celebration that everyone could enjoy. Maybe this was the Cinderella vision I had always dreamed of. Maybe not really Cinderella, but where she lived. No tuxedos, but we had the lights and the event. And the Magic Castle was walking distance.

We didn’t really have much money at all. But we did have a very good friend who was already scripted to be our best man, who, we didn’t realize it until he offered, worked for Technicolor, and Disney passes were one of their benefits. We could get all day, unlimited passes for everyone at $12 each!! We needed twenty five. So our wedding would be affordable after all. And it would be fun. And everyone would make a day of it, and it would be memorable.

I called Disneyland and was excited to tell them my plan.

And then I was disappointed, once again. It seems they did not allow weddings inside the Park, but for $500, they could set up folding chairs outside the Park for us, close to the the parking lot, and let us get married there. Woo-Hoo!

I said,”Thank you”, but that wasn’t going to work. ‘Kind of looked like Cinderella’s coach just turned back into a pumpkin.

I thought about it again. “We WILL get married in the Park!” I came up with a plan. We would all meet as a group outside the park, and then we would lead the way to the destination. We would take a very convoluted trip through the Park to the raft that went over to Tom Sawyer’s Island. When we reached the Island, there is a pier there, with a big waterfall as a backdrop. We will hold the service there.“ My very good friend had a boyfriend who did videoing of weddings and he volunteered to video it.

One little thing, though. We needed a preacher. One who would travel to Anaheim and perform this ceremony. We wracked our brain. We asked around. No one. We weren’t a member of any church. We weren’t even a member of a church in someone’s garage. THAT was a predicament.

Then I remembered. Doug Johnson. He was an internationally known healer and psychic, AND REVEREND! We came to know him over the past few years since Mom passed, and we wondered if he would be able to help us. I called him up, and he thought it was a great idea and immediately agreed to do it!

So now we had plans for a Mickey Mouse wedding, performed by a healer and psychic. Sounded great to me. An envious celebration, for sure.

The day arrived and everyone showed up as planned. We had a single file line of people following us through the Park to Tom Sawyer’s raft. They had no idea where the event was to take place, so they had to stay close and be careful not to veer off the path, or they would lose us. We took them through rock canyons, over little bridges, and around gardens, the whole nine yards.

The wedding went off without a hitch. During the ceremony, not one sole entered our little area. Not one person. Just a duck. One little mallard swam around the pier during the entire service. I thought it was maybe a gift from mom. As soon as the ceremony concluded, and we all hugged, along came the steamboat, blowing its whistle. In came hoards of people, and Disneyland was in full swing on that Saturday morning of January 9.

142-Grandma Disney

But that’s not the end of this story.

I was working at Robinson’s in Los Angeles at the time. The seventh floor was Executive Advertising Offices with its different departments. I was a graphic designer for in-house events in the Advertising area. We worked with Special Events regularly. If there was a function, an opening, or new product that needed branding for the store, myself and a couple of others created it. I called myself ‘The Bag Lady’ because I was always designing shopping bags for the different events. My job allowed me the freedom to try anything new and exciting in the graphics field. It was before computers dominated Artwork, but still new products on the market to make your presentations look more than remarkable.

Talking with a coworker from Special Events one day about the wedding we had just had, she asked if I was aware that our other coworker’s Uncle was Walt Disney. No, I never knew that! All the times we interacted and that never came up!

I met up in the the elevator with that coworker not long after I heard that little tidbit, and we greeted each other, as usual. I worked with her all the time and never knew or suspected her background.

“Um, I heard something about you the other day. Tell me, you had a very interesting Uncle, I heard.”

A big smile came across her face. “Well, yeah, I don’t usually talk about it.”

“Obviously, because how long have we been working together?”

She laughed,” Well, I try and keep it my big secret. I don’t like to throw it out there.”

We talked for quite a while after the elevator ride, and she was excited to hear the story of our wedding. She said she was going to see Grandma Disney in a couple of days and she would tell her about it. She felt she would like to hear the story.

She reported back to me later that week and said Grandma Disney thought it was the coolest thing she had ever heard. That made my day. From then on, we would talk about her Uncle, and she would tell me about her birthday parties. I remember she said that for one of her parties, Uncle Walt had Cinderella’s coach come up to her door, pulled by ponies. She said she had an amazing childhood. I’m guessing she did.

143-Dreams

The days that followed after Mom’s passing were tough. Mom and I had made that pact a long time ago that whoever passed first would try and get in touch with the other one.

When Brother was notified of mom’s passing, legal issues began. Mom had made out a will before she passed and it was being contested. Neither Brother or Sister would sign off on her wishes.

Close to three weeks after her passing, I had a dream of mom coming to me and insisting she had not passed. I insisted she did. I went over the order of that day, step by step. Not until I finally ‘gave in’ did the dream end. She won. She was still here. And I had to understand that. I couldn’t see her, but she was very much ‘here’.

In the next dream, mom picked me up in a car, took me to a place I had never been. Sister answered the door and went to get a bank book I had no knowledge of. She said she wanted me to sign it over to her. Making a long story shorter, I refused to sign it because it was made out to me. I was named executor in the will, and perhaps this is why I saw my name in it.

I made note of the amount in the bank book and entered it in my ‘book of dreams’ I kept.

When I refused to sign it over, sister had a fit. She flailed her arms in the air, and dropped to the floor in a tantrum. I bent down to make sure she was still breathing and then left . End of dream.

As far as I was concerned, all bank books had been handed out to their assigned person, and we were left with nothing much more to consider. I thought it would just be that simple. I did everything she had requested. Brother was to receive a dollar because she had loaned him so much over the years. It was reasonable.

The next day I received a phone call from sister. She wanted to know about the outstanding bank book. I explained that everything had been doled out, nothing was left. She insisted. I agreed to call the lawyer in the morning and inquire about it.

As promised, I contacted the lawyer the next day, and to my complete surprise, he said, ‘Yes, there is one bank book left, but it was your mom’s personal one and was used to settle her estate. That hadn’t even dawned on me. I asked what the balance was and he told me. It was the exact amount I saw in the dream. To The Penny. I couldn’t have known that.

144- Mortgage or Money?

Brother had insisted on getting more than a dollar, which mom was allotting him in her will, so I offered him a choice of two thousand dollars or a mortgage mom was carrying on a friend’s ski lodge in Vermont. Mom mentioned in the will that she had given Brother a decent sum over the years and a dollar would be fair. I suggested he take the money I offered, as it was more a sure bet. I just wanted it over.

He took the mortgage. And when I saw him 15 years later, he said it wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. I reminded him that I suggested he take the money. I didn’t know much more about the mortgage other than it was a monthly payment. He claimed he took the property over and let it go to the state because he never paid taxes due. I couldn’t help him with that. Mom’s wishes, apparently, were recognized after all.

145- Balance of The Universe

I have a full book of dreams that were helpful in my choices in life over the years.

It was now 2-1/2 years since mom’s passing, and I had done everything possible to make my siblings as happy as was reasonable. Sister was going to hold mom’s fairly new car, which I could have used at the time, until everything was settled. Instead she told me the engine had seized, but really traded it in for another car, and proceeded to total it 3 weeks into her ownership of it. Other timely things happened that I need not go into, but believe that the Universe is an interesting thing. The balance must happen, we cannot continue this life without balance.

Brother took his family and moved to New Mexico at the suggestion of the town of Woodstock. His shenanigans had put him in a very bad position with many of the people.

Sister was still refusing to sign off on the will. She called and said she refused to sign anything. She wanted money she was not entitled to. She said she would hold up the will forever if she wanted. It had been 2-1/2 years! I was doing my best to be as fair as possible, to uphold my promise to mom and her wishes.

I got off the phone with her and fell to my knees and spoke to the Universe. Mom, God, anyone who was in earshot. I said I had done everything possible to make this work and I was finally at an impasse. It was killing me. I wanted it over. I was still grieving for mom at this point, and this was killing me. But I was willing to continue, whatever it took.

The very next day Sister called again and told me she would sign. I was stunned! That ended it. You know I said, ‘Thank You’ to Mom.

146- There’s More…

Still, on another occasion, I had a dream about a friend I worked with who had suffered a seizure at work, due to a brain tumor. When she returned to work after surgery, she was on medication that made her a little slower, but nothing that seemed to keep her from her work. They decided to let her go about a year later, so, much to the chagrin of many, she packed up her things and decided to go back to live with her parents, out of state.

No one had heard from her in quite a while. This one night I had a dream…..

Another coworker and myself were going to a show at night, and as we rounded the bend on the dark street, over to the left I saw mom and she was talking to my friend who had been ill. She shook her hand and told her she had been through quite a bit and she was proud of her.

The dream ended. I went to work and repeated the dream to the coworker I had the night before. We always found my dreams interesting, because they generally had some bearing on my life in one form or another. This dream was particularly interesting. It was just a short dream, with no beginning and no real end. Maybe a day later, someone had received a call that this girl had just passed away a day or so before.

This is what was happening over and over after mom passed. Dreams continued, and even to this day. Both of my daughters seem to have the same experiences with their dreams.

147-Ramirez

The biggest disappointment for me is that mom never got to see my kids. I never met my own grand parents and now my daughters would never get to meet theirs. Both my parents and my husband’s parents had passed early on in our lives. I have often wondered if mom could see them somehow from where she was at, wherever that was.

My first daughter was still an infant back in August of 1985 when I had a dream one night. The Night Stalker was on the loose in Los Angeles County during that period of time and everyone was somewhat on edge, for sure. The news was always updating everyone on the latest developments. But no one knew exactly who he was or what he looked like.

This one night, I went to bed after tucking in the baby. Toward the morning hours I awoke in a panic. I had seen the Night Stalker in my dream. At least I felt I had.

In the dream, he had somehow found his way into my daughter’s room. As I entered the room in the dream, I saw the blood soaking all parts of the room, which sent me into an insane panic. I ran into the hallway just outside the room, where I found him. He was sprawled on the floor, in a sideways position, his legs out to his right side, resting upon on his left elbow. His face was dripping with sweat, his complexion pasty and pale, and brown ringlets of drenched hair separated on his head and across his forehead. His face was skeletal looking. His eyes were huge and brown and he looked disoriented, turning his head slowly back and forth as you would expect a shark to do.

And then the dream ended.

I woke up paralyzed with what I might find in the next room. I had seen him as clear as day. I would never forget his face. I had seen every pore in his face, six inches from my own. Unable to move and frozen with the ultimate fear as I lay there, I asked my husband to check on the baby. As much as I knew and hoped it was only a dream, I also knew too many of my dreams had materialized.

All was well.

Arriving at work that day, I was visibly upset. I told my trusty coworker about the dream. She had heard enough of them, and experienced enough of my ‘coincidences’ that this was nothing new.

A couple of days later, someone had created a sketch of the night stalker and my coworker showed it to me in the newspaper at work. It wasn’t anything like the person I saw in my dream. I remarked that I had to be wrong. This composite showed what seemed to be a black man with close cropped hair and nothing like the face I had seen.

It wasn’t but a few days later, they arrested Ramierez and I saw the short video clip of the arrest. When he turned to the camera , it was like an electric shock had been sent from one end of my spine to the other. This was exactly the person I saw in the dream!

I told my coworker and my husband that they finally got the right person. I knew it as a fact. There was no mistaken, and there was absolutely nothing different from what I saw in my dream.

Turns out, Ramirez was in our neighborhood the night I had that dream.

From that day on, whether I see his face in a magazine, on a book or in the news, my heart stops just a little bit. The electric shock has somewhat subsided, but the vision of the dream has not.

148-Question

Now, my question is this. Where would I get this information from?

Dreams like this began shortly before mom passed. And maybe one or two when I was younger. Now, although they aren’t so often, they were at one point. I’ve always dreamt in symbolic terms, and quite accurately, but these other dreams were more than that.

I’ve always felt that when you dream you leave your body and go, perhaps, to other dimensions, other realities. I can swear that there are other houses I see and reside in, in my dreams over and over again, that I have never seen in this life as I know it.

As a teenager, I experienced, in a dream, a concert I wasn’t able to make one night with my friends. I was in Art School at the time, still living at home. In the dream, I watched the concert from somewhere well above the seating at venue. I saw things that didn’t jive with what I knew of the performer. I had never known Phil Ochs to play the piano, only to find out the next morning, what I saw was accurate.

Was this a coincidence? It was a Phil Ochs concert at Carnegie Hall. I had, and have never been, to Carnegie Hall, and I had never seen or heard of Phil Ochs ever playing piano. I witnessed a man with red hair playing a violin or fiddle on the left side of the stage. My friend was quite surprised that I knew that, and as I explained the stage set up, she had no doubt I had ‘been there’.

All these ‘coincidences’ are probably more usual than not. But I also wondered that, with my background, could my intuition be more developed from my life experiences. We will never know.

I tend to believe that the Universe is very conscious, and loved ones that have passed can be present when they need to be. There is never a guarantee, but I believe they are more present than we are aware of.

149-Life

Sister and I had our life discussion one day on the phone about a year before she passed. I had questions for her and she had no answers. None except that she said I was always protected growing up. She said I had everything. I told her she could have had anything she wanted but she chose to take her own road. We all went through the same household, we all experienced the same dysfunction, and we all made our choices. But we were different people who wanted different things. She didn’t have to hide from the wolf, because she chose to live with him when she didn’t have to. I would have been her best friend, had she let me. I told her I loved her before we ended the conversation.

Brother could never get past the love he never felt. I believe he was too busy demanding it. We were so close for so long, and then I betrayed him, in his estimation. I escaped his grasp and started my own life. His illness was seeping into my life like it had done to so many others. I felt so sure, all my life that he had my back. I always had his. And time and time again, I proved that to him. But then I thought about it, and I realized he never gave without expectation of something in return. He was damaged way beyond what anyone could conceive. But I still loved him. Anyone who was close to him, loved him...he had charisma that could talk the scales off of a fish.

When I heard he lost his youngest daughter to a boyfriend who took her life and dumped her body in the wild brush of New Mexico, all I could about was the violence both he and she grew up with; his violence as a child and his violence toward others as an adult. She was 23 and left two very young children behind. It was even more evident to me how violence begets even more violence.

The last we spoke I told him I loved him, waiting for a response on the phone. I knew in some odd way he loved me. I would like to think I couldn’t have been just another one of his victims. When I realized he would sacrifice anyone to get his way, it was clear I may well have been one of his prey. I wish I could have made his journey through life more enjoyable. I may have been the one who betrayed his control of my life, but I still loved him and the good times we did have so long ago. In my recollection, there were some very good memories. No response came. I said it again and there was only silence. We hung up the phone.

The next I heard, he had passed in the hospital after heart surgery. He was due to go home the next day and never made it. They had given him a clean bill of health. But he knew he was going to die and asked for me. The one person who knew where I was, contacted me days later and told me of his passing. He died of a hole in his heart.

I couldn’t ever know what he planned to say to me. Was it going to be another conversation like the phone call when he told me mom had passed? Was he going to tell me he loved me? Was he going to admit some dark secret of his? I will never know. Truthfully, I gave him the option to say anything with our last phone call. I’m guessing he wasn’t going to say anything pleasant. I truly believe the Universe also made that decision for me.

150-Me, Myself and I

And as for me, I struggle from time to time. I wish it could have been different for all concerned. But then I realize I wouldn’t have had the life lessons I did early on. Did it make me any better of a person? Who knows. But my life has been full. Full of laughs, excitement, full of tears, fears and some sorrow. And full of love. I learned how to love in all of these instances. I look around me, and see how long it took some to learn that lesson, and at a cost far more than I paid.

Perhaps it was the fight to stay alive in the very beginning, before I even came out of the womb that gave me the resilience I needed to survive. Who really knows. And maybe being the youngest one, what I saw from my seat wasn’t anything like the TV shows I watched, and I wanted that so badly. Father Knows Best didn’t exactly fit our picture. But maybe I didn’t want Father Knows Best after all.

What I have found so far in my life was that wishing for everything you want doesn’t make it happen. But if you take that wish and store it in your heart, and then move on to be the best you can be, that wish finds its way into your life. I’ve also found that certain things come your way to prepare you for what the future will bring, like it or not. So pay attention, and when someone in your path makes you question why they did something, or how you don’t think you could possibly do what they did, be careful. You could be them in no time at all....and more.

Eventually, I no longer had to lie about who I was, where I was from, and there was a very real freedom with all that. I can’t imagine that people who lie have a very happy life. In my thought process, as long as you are here, you should be honest about who you are, because it’s a waste of a very privileged existence to try and make your life something that it is not. Better to be who you truly want to be, embrace it, and have that freedom to fix or enjoy who you are.

I stopped myself many times and wondered if I could have possibly made a difference in the lives of Brother and Sister. I made sure that each time I left them, no matter how badly the event played out, I was sure to tell them I loved them. It took me years of going over and over in my mind to iron out what really transpired all those years.

Looking at the picture somewhat objectively now, I realize the position mom put herself in, first for the additional years she waited for me to grow to a certain age, and secondly, to be able to trust that I would even go along with leaving my dad. A different kid might have wanted both parents to remain together at whatever cost. It was a gamble for her. Sometimes what children say is not often what they mean or really want. Adults, for that matter do the same thing.

Given my experience with living a lie early on, I found it rather taxing to have to remember what you said the last time you spoke with someone, or the story you would have to spin about the silliest thing, because it might give too much of your background away. Lying is a useless ability that only hurts all involved.

Something else I learned was how children are easy not to question. Their parents or siblings ask them to keep a secret and they do it. Without question. I kept many secrets. There are so many broken people in this world that I wouldn’t know where to start with mending them. I often think about how I would handle some things if I knew then what I know now.

Kids are vulnerable. The stories of the family tree, the promises broken, the double standards. All these things make up childhood for most kids. Fairytales should inspire kids to realize their dreams, and reach beyond the world we know for answers. Adults don’t know the answers all the time. They know their own experiences. Nothing great was ever discovered by hiding behind lies.

I learned so much from my own kids. They filled in the parts of my life I missed. I felt like I had unconditional love for the first time in my life. And I felt like I finally knew what it was to love someone unconditionally without question of how much you had to give. To love immeasurably. I asked mom one day if she had it to do over again, would she have had kids? She said, “No, she wouldn’t.”

I didn’t feel bad behind that, except for the fact that she believed she would have had a better life without them. I hadn’t had kids yet and understood, I thought, her feelings. I never wanted kids because I saw what a heartbreak they were for her. I saw mom at the end of her rope with us, and unable to stop the fighting. The physical and mental abuse and fighting was constant, it seemed. In some way, I felt she might have had a better life without us. But, in some way, maybe not.

When I had reached a goal higher than expected in my career, I was self satisfied. I felt whole. I woke up one day and was ready to give everything of myself to possibly one child. And if that seemed to go well, I’d do two. I wanted the chance to do it differently. I wanted to share my world.

I was 32 at the time, and my husband was okay with it. I had never diapered a baby in my life. I had never baby sat, so I needed to learn quick. I wrangled shorter work weeks. Two years and 10 mos later to the day, our second daughter came into our life. Now, I was leaving two people every day that I loved more than life itself. That’s when I decided I needed to be with them and watch them grow up. The changes in my job set the cue for that to happen. The Universe was listening.

My experience with my children has been entirely different than Mom’s. But I learned from Mom. Both kids have never had a physical fight between each other ever. It never came to mind. They never saw it between my husband and me. They had no example of it.

Life isn’t perfect. No one is perfect. I don’t tip toe through the tulips every day. Each day is a new adventure. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but damn, Bring It On!

A LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear Chrissy,

Boy, oh boy.

You have no idea what you have lying ahead and in store for you. Let me first say that you made it, against all odds. Mom wasn’t sure she needed you, but you’ll figure out she did, and so will she.

The world will seem so big to you, but then as you get older, it will become very small. You will be Mom’s companion and partner in crime. You will disappoint her and you will make her the proudest woman on the face of this earth. Your being born will give your dad the chance/time to turn things around for the better or make things worse. Your sister will want to love you, but seldom show you, because she will think you took her thunder away when you were born. Your brother will be your protector and your enemy. You will experience them all in each of these lights as you go through life.

Your family will be different. You won’t see them the same way everyone else does. You’re going to feel like you were dropped on this family’s doorstep and abandoned. And you will have to win their love and appreciation with what you can possibly bring to the table. You will love them, and then you will dislike each one of them on some level. They aren’t against you, they just aren’t happy in general. You will have to find the good in all the cracks and crevices of their personalities.

In time you will learn that no one sets out to ruin anyone else’s life. No one was against you, they just didn’t know how to be happy with themselves.

Christmas will be the most wonderful time for you. And it will be the saddest of some of your memories. You will spend the rest of your life making new, good memories at Christmas. You will bring the magic back to the season.

You will decide not to have children. You will scream it from the rooftops and be proud of your decision. Your unexpected success in your career and personal life will give you much self esteem and value. You will, after all, eventually decide to have two children. And they will be planned and wanted. And the best thing you ever did. And you career will take a back seat.

Life will knock you down, throw you around, and step on you, just like everyone else. Your heart will get broken. But you will rest, and then get up again. Remember to always get up. And you will be the example you set for the children you have.

You will love them until the cows come home. Your children will be the reason for your existence. They will bring you the happiness you never felt, the love you never had, and the passion for life you always wanted. They will show you what a childhood should be and you will get to have a ‘Do Over’ with them.

They will make all the difference to you. They will have a little bit of your soul, each of them. They will let you know how it feels to be loved and wanted and embraced. You will give them all the hugs you never got. You will give them the freedom to be whoever they wish to be with no judgement or expectation. Just the wish for happiness.

You will meet a man who you fall in love with, finally. He will want to get married. You won’t. But you will. You will have his children. The two of you will experience the best of times and the worst of times. You are each other’s companions.

You will be given a death sentence. A doctor will tell you that you won’t see your children grow up. Ignore him. He is a fool. You will very much see your kids grow up.

You will go into a few businesses and they will bring joy, experience, fun and laughter to most everyone they touch, including you.

Never fence yourself in. Always allow for change. Stay independent as much as possible. Keep moving. Keep thinking. Keep going. Make sure you always remain true to yourself.

And in turn, the world will offer you so much. You will travel to other countries. Countries you never thought you would see in your lifetime. You will delve into theories and probabilities and your goal will be to enrich life. You will think about writing a book for many years. And then you will do it.

EPILOGUE

I often wondered, if we knew what life was to offer us before we lived it, would we accept the challenge? Being aware of the good and bad experiences before we were to live them might change everything.

As we go through each chapter of our lives, we do the best we know how, with the hopes we will survive it with the least amount of pain possible, never knowing the eventual outcome. I’d like to think there’s something in the experience we always come away with. Some thing we can hang our hat on and feel accomplished about.

The letter I wrote to my younger self was an exercise I heard about from a school aged child. I decided it would be a good idea to see for myself what I would have to say to the child who was to go through my life with no knowledge of the future.

What amazes me is the will we have to find love, to search for that completion of oneself. The tenacity to believe it can exist, wherever we find it. The passion to embrace it, regardless of the eventual. I believe that is the essence of life.

TO THE READER

I hope I have brought some good laughter and some good tears to your reading experience. I hope I have helped you in your own journey through life. I hope you know you are never alone.

Most of all, I hope I have enriched your path in some way.

vintage
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About the Creator

Christine Garza

I am an author and illustrator, working in watercolor.

After attending The School of Visual Arts in NYC, I relocated to Los Angeles to find myself in Publishing and then Illustration and Design.

My passion is illustrating and writing.

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