Some People Aren't Meant to be Saved

There’s so much you won’t grasp from the story that you are about to read. How do you fit years of abuse into one, short sentiment?

‘Some people don’t want to be saved...’ - the last thing my sister said to me four years ago. I wish she hadn’t given up on me. Sometimes it gets hard, especially the older Ellie gets. She’s five now. If standing by Ed made me guilty of anything, I guess it was only of love. He loves me really, he always apologizes for the god-awful times. Okay yes ultimately, it’s me that gets the brunt of the bad times, the shouting, the screaming, the…

But it’s what you do right? You stand by them. Or at least that’s what you vow to do. What sort of woman would I be, or mother even, if I was to give up on him? Ellie adores her dad.

In the same breath, I find myself battling with my own thoughts sometimes too. Don’t get me wrong there have been times I have thought about leaving, but something always gets the better of me. Deep down I sympathize with his struggles but my heart begs for answers all the time. What did I do wrong? What DO I do wrong? Even when I used my ma’s inheritance to get him into rehab he fell straight off the bandwagon when he got out. Yet the only reasoning he could offer was ‘I didn’t ask you to do it’. The school, they pull me aside, ask me questions, judge my parenting - I can tell. If only they knew the half of it. I don’t mind though, no one is as hard on me as I am, believe me.

‘The father’s a druggy’. Whispers in the playground. The only friend I did have to speak to is gone now her little boy is in high school. She drops a text at times but we all have our own lives I suppose. Sometimes I long that normal sense of connection, to have a conversation that isn’t filled with animosity and hurt. I thought maybe I’d forgotten how to talk to people. I was in an online mental health group until Ed found out about it and smashed my phone. He gets paranoid. I wasn’t in there to gossip, I just wanted to feel understood I guess. He thought I'd laugh about him with other people but I’m not like that. He thought I had better things to do with my time than talk to a bunch of ‘crackpots’ about problems that were the norm for most relationships. He doesn’t know but I kept in touch with a guy from the group I was in. He initiated that we were pen-pals in the beginning. I thought it was weird at first but we really gelled. He had this weird way of knowing what to say, I hadn’t really had anybody understand my circumstances the way he did. It took me a while to open. Fear of being scrutinized I guess. Usually, people hear the stories and they’ll be sympathetic for a while until they get sick of hearing them on repeat. Then comes the ‘you need to leave him’, ‘honestly, I don’t know what to say anymore if you want to keep putting up with it’. I get it. It’s a shame they didn’t get me.

I haven’t heard from Pete for a few weeks so I’m beginning to worry a little. Although it meant I haven’t had to worry about Ed finding a letter in the post, or the ‘long baths’ I have to go and take just to write back. Ed’s been in the worst mood today. We’re skint. He’s been pacing about everywhere and Ellie’s been getting under his feet. Usually, he does his best to hold himself together when Ellie’s around but today was different. He lost his job a few weeks ago. He was caught taking drugs on his lunch break. So the last month has been harder than usual, financially and atmospherically. For the first time in a month, he raised his hand to me today. For the rest of the afternoon I’ve sat upstairs with Ellie, getting crafty and trying to keep her out of Ed’s way. I heard the front door go downstairs.

‘You could have posted these pal?’, Ed said. ‘One of them needed to be signed for so it’s routine to knock, sorry if I disturbed you’. I recognized the voice… It was the postman. What could possibly need signing for? Occasionally Pete’s letter would need signing for but it’s been weeks now, I figured he’d found other things to be doing. It’s quiet downstairs. A million worries were passing through my mind, I got distracted from the crafts. I could hear Ellie asking me in the background ‘what’s wrong mommy’, ‘mommy look, play’, but I was lost for wonder, lost for worry.

Mind, if he found something he shouldn’t have by now he would have been up these stairs in a flash. I know Ed. ‘Ellie, grab your teddy sweetheart, mommy needs a wee’. ‘Mommy you’re a big girl now, you don’t need me to come for a wee with you’ said Ellie.

‘WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS?’, shouted Ed. ‘Ellie just grab your teddy and come with me!’. I picked her up and ran to the bathroom. As I shut the door, Ed was charging up the stairs, mouth gritted, eyes glaring. ‘ALICE!’. I was struggling to lock the door, Ellie was crying, my heart beating ten to the dozen. Please just lock, please just lock. By this point he was outside the door, hand on the handle and finally it locked. Ed was banging on the door. I sat back against the door, Ellie in my lap, trying my best to cover her ears. I tried not to sob for her sake but I found myself silently crying.

‘OPEN THE DOOR AL!’ he yelled as he kept knocking, getting louder and louder. ‘I’m not just gonna go away and neither will this, now open the goddamn door’.

‘I can’t talk to you while you’re in this mood Ed, it’s not fair on Ellie!’. ‘Not fair on Ellie, NOT FAIR ON ELLIE - what you’ve done isn’t fair ALICE’. ‘Mommy, why is daddy angry?’ whispered Ellie. ‘Shhh’ I said, as I stroked her head and kissed her forehead gently. ‘Ed?’ He didn’t answer. I gave it a couple of minutes then came out and walked Ellie into her room. ‘Stay here baby, mommy will be back upstairs in a minute’. As I shut her door, I wiped my eyes and prepared for the worst. Walking down the stairs felt like a lifetime. This is it. Ed reacted shamefully when he found out I was in a group, I just know he won’t be as calm if he’s found Pete’s letter. At this moment, I wonder if the last thing my sister said was in reference to me? Maybe it was me who didn’t want to be saved? I should have left a while ago.

I walked into the front room, Ed had a grasp of the letter with his head in his hands. He stood up and threw the letter at me. ‘So I see you’ve done well to hide this from me, when did you plan on telling me huh?’ ‘Ed, I can explain..’ Before I had time to finish he interrupted me. ‘How can you possibly explain that we might be losing our home? Three months of arrears?’ Every ounce of me wanted to scream at him about his financial abuse for the drugs he liked to shove up his nose but I think I was more relieved. ‘Get out of my sight Alice, I’m going to pick a lay up from Bill, I’ve just about had it up to here’. I didn’t speak back, for once I think I was grateful to hear he was leaving the house. It was a close call but one that made me think about mine and Ellie’s future in that split second. As he left, I noticed the rest of the post on the side. There was a small package with it. I checked outside the window to make sure he’d left. I opened it. I was confused to see a little black notebook inside with a set of keys. I opened it up and there was a handwritten note in the front, from Pete.

‘Hey Alice,

It’s been a short while, I can only apologize. How have things been? How’s little Ellie? I went for my consultation a couple of weeks ago to find out I only have a couple of weeks left. The cancer is far too aggressive this time.

Reading your last letter made me sad and even more so when I got my news. But that’s not important. I thought you may appreciate this notebook. At present it’s empty but I thought you could use it to keep writing to me. There’s not much I can physically do to help from this point forward and I’m sorry we won’t get to meet as arranged but my help doesn’t end here. You’re a special woman Alice and I hope that one day someone has the pleasure of letting you know this.

All my love,

Pete x’

I broke down. Is that strange for a man I’d never met? All my love? Something about that brought me warmth. Where was I going to hide this from Ed and what on earth were the keys for? I went to hide it on top of the kitchen cupboard when a small piece of paper fell from the notebook. Bending down to pick it up, I noticed some writing on the back…

‘Alice, take this and do what’s best for you and Ellie. The keys? They’re to my bungalow 10 miles out of town. This might be the end for me but this could be a fresh start for the two of you. The money will help while you get settled and gather direction. Here’s the address... The choice is yours. What you do is none of my business but at least you have the option now’.

On the reverse, was a cheque for $20,000! I didn’t even have to think. ‘Ellie, grab some of your favorite toys, I’m calling a taxi, we're going to see your aunt Lisa’. ‘YAY, okay mommy, two secs’. I knew Ed would be back soon, there was no time to pack. I’ll get in touch in a day or two to finalize things. If Ed had found this instead of the notice, things could have been so different.

Getting into the taxi, Ed was walking towards us. He looked more angry than anything. I bundled Ellie in as fast I could, but he picked up pace and began running towards the taxi. ‘Please, help me’ I cried out to the driver, ‘he’s not gonna let me go. Please’. I rushed into the taxi but Ed was at the window. He grabbed at the handle but the driver locked the doors. ‘UNLOCK THESE DOORS NOW’ Ed shouted. The driver tried to reason with him but Ed was running low on patience. ‘He’s taken drugs, please just get us out of here’ I begged the driver frantically. ‘Don’t worry lady, we’re going’ he replied. BANG, BANG, BANG! ‘Sir, please stop attacking the vehicle and stand aside, otherwise, I am going to have to alert authorities’ the driver said to Ed. He stepped away from the taxi. ‘Alice, this isn’t done with’ Ed said, as the taxi drove away.

The drive was long and full of thought and while today was difficult, I knew the hardest part was yet to come. Writing this all down in a notebook for a man that will never see it seems silly. I hope to write again in the next few days but for now, rest well my love.