Some Fun Little Lesser-Known Facts About Child-Rearing

Learning how to make babies all the way to raising them until they become adults has been quite a ride. I remember watching “the video” in eighth grade Health. We all had to draw the ins and outs of the vagina and penis and for 13-year-olds of both sexes sitting less than a foot away, it was a time I would’ve begged for homeschooling! (I can still remember Matt’s face as I looked at his vagina and he peered at my penis.)

As a Sophomore, enrolled in a mandatory psychology class, there was the ridiculous egg in a blue or pink diaper I had to keep safe for three weeks. I don’t know how many trips my mother and I made to the local grocery store, with the first being the worst, because I didn’t know if the egg was medium-sized, large, or extra-large. Yes, I broke it. And no, I don’t remember what I named it. I was 15 and living in the city. I didn’t even know the egg offered at the store had a size attached to it. I had never ordered the breakfast special with French toast, all bacon, and two medium-sized eggs.

Almost 22, I found myself pregnant. I approached the parenting section at Barnes and Noble only to find a tidal wave of knowledge looming before me which caused me to think, “If this one doesn’t make it cuz of my lack of knowledge, I’m young. I can always try for four or five more. Surely one or two will make it.” I closed my eyes, grabbed a book, and ran to the register.

After reading cover to cover, I was underwhelmed. I could’ve spent the thirty-bucks, (and hour and a half), on one Far Side calendar, walked to Hot Dog on a Stick and bought two cheese sticks with enough money left over to purchase three small frosting-filled cookies at the Cookie Company. And it only got worse from there. Books about the sexes were too general and material concerning children’s personalities were so specific; I never found my three children within the pages.

I am 47, which means I have raised, so far, a 25-year-old girl along with Irish twins; my boys are 16 months apart at 22 and 20 and a half years of age respectively. (I have kept all of them alive to this point and none are maimed except for that ‘toe-incident’ but like I argued with my husband, “No one got that on film so how can we really be sure it was me?”)

Don’t worry about sizing the ovaries to scale in your next doodling session while waiting at the DMV. Crack those medium-sized eggs and make an omelet for yourself. (Live a little... add cheese.) And spend your money on Gary Larson next time you’re in a bookstore along with some mall treats. Here it is- My humble offering of ten things people raising children should know in no particular order, (along with legit references).

1. Kids eat bugs. If you live anywhere in the world, besides the Amazon or Australia, there is a great chance they won’t be poisonous, or better yet, fatal. They will do it in front of you and also sneak them behind your back. Take my friends’ son Logan, (name has been changed to protect that little bug-eater), who at two-years of age was on his way to becoming an insect connoisseur. We were stationed in the South and bugs were aplenty. He proudly showed off his old plastic Easter bucket filled with roly-polies and June bugs. His mother told me to ask him if he was eating them. He looked me at me as if I were the crazy one, nodded yes, and popped a June bug in his mouth for emphasis.

In her 2017 article, At Bug-Eating Festival, Kids Crunch Down on the Food of the Future, (https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2017/09/14/550188017/at-bug-eating-festival-kids-crunch-down-on-the-food-of-the-future), Melissa Banigan shares eating insects may gross out Americans but a whopping 80% of the world’s peoples pig out on these mini delights. She states, because the population will grow to around nine billion people by 2050, the “U.N. predicts insect consumption will have to increase by 70% in the next 30 years as they will need to become a crucial source of protein for people around the globe” (para. 3.) She makes reference to David George Gordon’s book on the matter, The Eat-a-Bug Cookbook. (Who knew?) I haven’t read it, but as a mom who cooks well, I feel confident in suggesting a little olive oil on medium heat and some garlic salt for roly-polies.

(On a side-note, this is excellent news for go-green vegan California moms. Your child will digest extra needed protein, (no judgment), and he or she will also be helping the larger environment… also known as the entire world!)

2. Use booze for teething. Jessica Sillers’ 2016 online article, Alcohol and Teething: An Oral History, relays alcohol use for babies has not only been a conversation since the mid-1800’s, but Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup, comprised of alcohol and morphine, had been the proper remedy for teething until the 1930’s. (Sounds like the “proper remedy” to store in my liquor cabinet for my husband’s stupidly hyper friend who keeps popping by unannounced.)

Having three children in five years, I decided to be a teetotaler for about the first 13 years of motherhood to set a good example…blah, blah, blah. (Two out of the three drink so I kind of feel I was robbed.) Revealing this, I did have hard liquor on the shelf when my fake grandbaby, (long story), came along. I rubbed the hell out of those gums with Seagram’s 7 and she didn’t turn out to be an alcoholic. Granted she’s eight, but I can state with confidence, we can pull this piece up in a decade or two and it will have aged well. (Where’s the wood to knock on?)

3. You’ll need red wine. And you will need it, often, to stay in the child-rearing game. If you don’t care for wine, I get it. But after cutting loose from my 13-year ban of alcohol, I found wine is the best drink to feel good for a long period of time as well as not waking up with a headache and wondering why you screamed at your group of girlfriends the night before while ripping your shirt off in the Chili’s parking lot; (it’s another long story.)

Heathline.com (2005-2021) lists the many benefits of red wine consumption in the feel-good article, Can a Glass of Wine Benefit Your Health? Red wine can help reduce inflammation, benefit mental health, promote healthy gut bacteria, and increase longevity. These facts are especially close to my heart because I can attest raising kids makes every part of you inflamed, (but mostly your mouth, head, and stomach regions), you go mental, (as the Brits say), you’re sick to your stomach more often than you think you’d be, and you feel like you could pass out and die at any given moment.

4. One child may be a favorite at a certain moment in time. This piece of info can make parents feel uncomfortable. (Go get the wine, I’ll wait.) There were times, like the one summer when my baby was home and the other two went out a lot, that he and I created memories putting together a 1,000-piece puzzle, riding in the car to go to the next city down for shopping, going on walks, and rolling down the perfectly mowed hills at the local park. My only daughter and I became closer as she stepped into womanhood. When “Aunt Flow” came to visit, we would snuggle on the couch with our heating pads and cry and giggle at Rom-Coms while eating ice cream or peanut butter cups. And my middle one…he looks like his dad on the outside and is me on the inside. Saying that, we became particularly close one junior high school year when I took care of a bully situation.

The thing is, you gotta hide it on the inside. If they don’t suspect it, individually or as a group, then you have done your job! I am very touchy-feely so open physical affection came easy to me and it was something I could do with each personality in the house or in public. I also personally cannot stand when people of any age are left out; I am the mom at the PTA meeting, lunch outing, and doctor office who invites loners to sit down, chime in, or share some candy. Inclusion and fairness are two things I like to practice often. It may not come so easy to others. Don’t worry!

For more guidance, check out Carrington Cunnington’s down-to-earth commentary at https://www.imom.com/does-your-child-feel-like-youre-playing-favorites/. Her succinct account is presented under the title, Does Your Child Feel like You’re Playing Favorites? (2020). She defines favoritism, explains what it “looks like,” and submits how to address it in the here and now. She commends the reader if they can listen to a complaint or accusation of favorites, see they are showing obvious behaviors (if they are), and they are willing to put in the hard work to change such behavior. You are not alone. It’s a superb piece.

5. Buy the biggest baby bag. The diaper bag will become your purse during whatever time period your child(ren) need it. It is inevitable. Do not fight it.

Best Diaper Bags, written by Anne Fritz and updated in January 2021 (https://www.whattoexpect.com/baby-products/diapering-potty/best-diaper-bags/), lists the first two features when looking for a diaper bag: size, pockets. As far as the size goes, she suggests you will need more space than just for the basics, especially if you’re the kind of person who lives by the Scout motto, “Be prepared.” Toys, blankets, and soiled clothes take up a lot of space. In terms of pockets, Fritz shares some come with specialty pockets like compartments for phones, tablets, and insulated areas for cold bottles.

I also like bulk with secret compartments because they hide fresh changes of underwear, (you try to sneeze, cough, or burst out laughing after you have three kids in five years), mini booze bottles I find, or rather one can find at maybe a liquor store, (I’m not 100% sure, cough, cough), and other items important to desperate mothers like bars of chocolate, French fries, party-size bags of chips, and adult drinks and snacks for when your partner tags along because they, more often than not, suddenly become more needy than the kids.

6. Silencio por favor! (Silence, please!) Silence is golden. Being a mom is more in the copper arena; silence will never be experienced again and no, I don’t include sleeping. (That’s just not fair to me or any caregiver really.) Having shared this fact, you will need to create moments of what I like to call ‘almost-silence’ or ‘wannabe-silence.’ (The latter word inspired by my California roots.) While they are awake, kids are never truly quiet because they are always grunting, breathing loud, laughing, crying, talking to themselves or others, and sound more like a litter of piglets than humans.

The website, https://momswellbeing.com, presents an excellent article on the subject of silence penned by Dr. Claire Nicogossian titled, 8 Strategies to Bring Quiet to Motherhood (Yes, Seriously) (April 15, 2019.) I was curious about the addition of the words “yes, seriously,” because the article is quite practical. I think it’s because she didn’t offer advice like spiking their bottles/juice cups with Nyquil for a long trip, or running out the door with your purse and car keys in hand as soon as your husband walks in.

She suggests driving or chore time should be noise free if one can help it; banning phone calls and/or music will give you a chance to calm your mind and recharge. Implement silent dinner time, model silent moments for the children throughout the day, or wake before the kids to take a minute to get ready for the next 12 hours your children have their eyes open. Other great words of wisdom: scheduling down time during the day, having a winding down routine for the end of the day. Thanks doc!

(I personally like the creating quiet moments tip because it is possible to create noise reduction, (‘wannabe-silence’), when setting out watercolors, puzzles, Play-Doh containers, scissors and paper, and other little crafts which require concentration on the child’s part. I didn’t mind cleaning up so it worked well for me and I came out on the other side with my sanity intact.) (OK. Depends who you ask.)

7. You are now an honorary referee. (Buy a whistle.) Audrey Monke (2021) offers five steps to help children resolve conflicts: calm down, state and understand the problem, apologize well, promote solution finding, follow up. (Read the details here- https://sunshine-parenting.com/5-steps-to-help-kids-resolve-conflicts/). I have to admit, I laughed my ass off when I read the list along with the details. It’s a great article, don’t get me wrong, but I started to remember a lot of fights I had to mediate and let’s just say things don’t go as easy as 1,2,3, or one through five as presented by the author.

In light of this, I will offer a few other ways your arbitration may go because of desperation, lack of cooperation, exhaustion, and did I mention desperation? You will inevitably burst out the dreaded yet infamous, “Because I said so!” (It’s ok. No one dies. We have all done it.) A suggestion of the game rock-paper-scissors to the little boogers who all appear to be lying so one person can come out of the room, (the loser of said game), and take responsibility for the stupid crap that went down is sometimes very helpful. (Size up the group before implementing.) If they are a little too young for such a game, taking it the Twister matt, (the child equivalent of going to the mattresses from the movie The Godfather), is fun for everyone! And lastly, you will just absolve everyone because you need to get on with your life. I will not judge you and I think I can speak for at least a million other moms who won’t either.

8. Grocery shop with the kids. Elizabeth M. Ward, MS, RD, from the electronic pages of WebMD (2005-2021) states the shopping trip can be educational, productive, and fun! (https://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/grocery-shopping-kids#1) I agree. Now some of you may not think this to be a big deal but as a military wife stationed miles away from family with little help from newly-found friends and a spouse always training in swamps and deserts, a trip to shop for food so we wouldn’t die was a necessity, not a choice.

I opened cartons of twinkies and boxes of Capri Suns to stop the crying and begging and fidgeting and sleepiness and complaining. Ward doesn’t suggest that anywhere in her article, (amateur), but she and I agree on making it a game by asking them to count fruits or playing I Spy. Tell them they can choose one item to try later. (I would tell them they could get it next time dad got paid; those little buggers have the memory of an elephant! One of the them would grab the biggest box of Lucky Charms and when my eyes would pop, they would loudly and quickly remind me we were shopping cuz dad got his check again!)

What she also doesn’t mention is the future benefits one receives from the sometimes taxing and awful task of taking kids to the grocery store without help. When they were old enough to separate from me, I could divide my list amongst the group, (which also wore them out and kept them too busy to grab a bunch of stuff to beg me for.) (Elizabeth would’ve been proud.) When they were teens I could stay in the car. If there were no lines, my kids would walk out victoriously with at least 10 items in under 4 minutes. Unexpected bonus- My middle child, Vincent, is a manager at a grocery store and working right now as I type!!! (I cannot promise that will happen for you.)

9. Put away your cell phone please! (I’ll admit, I get red in the face with this one!) I took my fake grandbaby to the park semi-recently and I ran around with her on the pokey wood chips, pushed her, and other children, on the swings, and I even helped a boy get over his fear of the rings by lifting him up and standing next to him while he conquered them! Every single adult there ‘supervising’ was outside of the perimeter engrossed with their phones.

Do you know how many hikes I went on with my kids while talking about the deep things in life, (books, love, the importance of the perfect toy store), how many hills we rolled down at parks, crafts we made for pops to see when he got in from a month-long training? There were countless times all three of them had yelled “look at me” and that is precisely what I was doing! A strong connection was cemented, trust formed, and a conviction that momma, no matter how happy or sad, angry or confused, busy or annoyed, present or faraway, loves them.

Maryam Abdullah, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist with expertise in parent-child relationships and children’s development of prosocial behaviors, according to The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkley (2021), would concur. In her online article (Nov. 7, 2017) part of her subtitle acts as a kind of warning- New research suggests your phone may undermine your parenting. Some effects of cell phone use in front of children are quite startling to read: toddlers struggle to learn new words when a main caregiver interrupts constantly, children acted out more to include sulking or throwing tantrums, young athletes didn’t try as hard when playing sports and their physical coordination deteriorated. Please check out her full article, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/three_tips_for_parents_to_put_away_their_phone. (It’s sobering wonderful read.)

10. Have fun! Currently, I am in the middle of having kids who are adults and not being a grandmother. I’m not sitting around twiddling my thumbs or anything but writing this brought up tears, laughter, and a bunch of memories of happy and hard times I wouldn’t trade for anything. At 47, and a husband who is 49, when all three fruits of our lovemaking sit at our dinner table and bring up great times from their childhood, we smile at each other over brown-haired heads and plates of homemade food with twinkles and tears in our eyes. (The other night I laughed so hard at one story I had to go change my underwear!)

So, as a recap, drink red wine. Look at your kid while he/she/they play soccer or they will suck big time. Use your favorite spices and sauces for bugs so you can save the world. Eat Twinkies with them in the market. Tell everyone to shut up occasionally. Stuff Doritos and Oreos in your diaper bag. Keep hard alcohol in the house. Say this as often as you want, “Because I said so!” Oh yeah! Have fun…and don’t forget the wine.