So You Want to Meet My Family?

So you want to meet my family? I'm not saying it's a bad idea I'm just saying you have to be really, really, really sure. You see there's a few things you need to know, and please don't hold this against me but I feel if you're not prepared you'll drown in the sea of hugs. Because there will be a lot of hugs.

1. Be prepared to be asked if you want a drink of the alcoholic variety at least twice and maybe by the same person. You'll be assured that it's okay because there's more where that came from, but if that isn't the issue you can always say no. Just be prepared to say it a few times.
2. While the party might be fun when you see a group of people talking like they're the only group there, it is best to approach with caution, like they're a pack of scared animals. There is a very good possibility that they're having a debate and will ask for your opinion which will lead to nine topics later and three hours gone by as if you stepped into a portal that time moves differently in. Someone will have to rescue you and sometimes people walk out crying from pure frustration on how stubborn they are. You'll be offended by something and while they won't say anything to you, the offering of the last butter tart or an extra helping of food you suddenly find on your plate is their way of making things up to you.
3. My family is oddly competitive when we play any game so when you meet them try to keep this in mind. Also, keep in mind that we'll be on opposite teams so you're going to lose.
4. There will be practical jokes played, just please note that my uncle Henry will be there when you turn around, as silent as a cat sneaking up on a mouse. He'll give you a Cheshire grin and leave you to your business. Know that his lips are sealed tighter than any vault could be and once the deed is done he'll give you a little knowing smile but it will stay between the two of you like a secret pact that officially welcomes you to the group.
5. Prepare to be interrogated by my cousin. He might threaten you but he'll call it a tip, take it to heart, I'm not sure what he's capable of but you'll learn to love him, trust me on this. His laugh will light up the entire house in a way that's hard to come by anywhere else. His understanding will go beyond measure he's just looking out for family.
6. That excuse will come up a lot. When you meet my family the women will be kind and the men will be gentle and relaxed, but make no mistake the women are hiding nuclear bombs in their chest and the men are warriors and both are quick to go off when family is involved.
7. You're going to be sacrificed to the children at one point or another. Everyone takes a turn watching and playing with the kids please don't think you're going to be any different they'll tell you what they want just try not to kill one of them.