She's Just a Girl

“I’m sorry, mom”, these words seem to come out often. I don’t know if it was me being a horrible daughter, or her wanting someone perfect. I was a first-born, and it has been hard. I have three younger brothers, and they seem perfect enough for her. Nothing i did was ever good enough, or up to her standards. I had good grades, I was smart. I did everything she asked. I was polite, unlike my brothers, "please" and "thank you" were a huge part of my vocabulary. I never spoke out of respect. I just never understood. My brothers were rude to everyone, did what they wanted, maybe...just maybe if I was more like them, she would like me.

This time, even though I don't want to face the truth, it was partically my fault, "partically" being the obsolete word. Its hard to explain, but I'll get there.

I love my mother, I don’t like her, but here at the age of 12, she is the only mother I’ve had. Looking at her at this moment, her stringy blond hair a mess, I see a mixture of confusion and worry in her face, but what scares me, is the slight look of relief I saw when she thought I wasn’t looking. I can see she is trying to figure something out, but she remains quiet.

I looklike my mother, in some aspects. Shes tall, Im short, shes blond, I have dark hair, she has bright blue eyes, mine are what I call biplor hazel. Sometimes they are green, sometimes grey.

So how do I look like her? I have her hands, I have her lips. The shape of our eyes are about the same, and we have the world freakishly frizzy hair.

“Mom?” I finally asked.

“I just don’t understand, what is going through your head sometimes?” she replies, and looking angry. Sometimes when I look at her, and shes angry, I cant help it but sometimes I smirk inside. Her face expressions are weird, like her whole forehead crinkles, her eyes get all small, its actually a funny site.

With tears in my eyes, I didn’t know how to respond. How do you respond? I could only shake my head, and before I knew it, she grabbed me and shook me hard, crying and asking what was I thinking. I didn’t know what to do. Trying to fight her, I finally broke free and ran to my room.

She must of not wanted to talk about it anymore that night because she didn't bother me. That night though, I threw some clothes on a small bag and crawled out the window. I just knew I couldn’t go back. I walked to a trailer park, but my best friend’s lights were all out. I didn’t want to wake anyone up. It had to be 10 at night.

Walking through the trailers, I saw another friend of mine, Meaghan. She was sitting on her porch, smoking. When she saw me, she called me over.

“Hi Meaghan, what are you doing out so late?”

“Just having a smoke, why are you out here? You live on the other side of the hill”

I didn’t want to tell her what was really going on, the last think I needed was someone else hating me. After tonight, I’m sure my mother would tell everyone.

“I was supposed to go to Melissa’s, but all the lights are off, I think she forgot.” I knew I was lying, but it was the best I could come up with.

“Well you can stay here tonight, and see Melissa in the morning.” She said.

I wasn’t sure if it was right, but I took up the offer. My feet hurt, and I was tired. I knew if I didn’t, I would be sleeping somewhere outside, or be forced to go back home. I fell asleep fast. ..

In the morning, I woke up early; in fact, it was still a little dark. Everyone else was still asleep, and I knew this would be the perfect time to leave without having to face the lie I told last night.

As I walked outside, I saw him. The one who turned my whole life around, I don’t know if it was for the better or the worse. Either way, right now, I was glad to see him.

He looked at me with his intense blue eyes, and I couldn’t help but feel awkward. My skin started to turn hot, as I walked toward him.

“You know you have to go back,” he said while wiping a strand of golden blond hair away from his eyes.

“I can’t go back there; she hates me more than she did before. She doesn’t want me there, can’t I just go back with you.” I begged Kori.

“We have to keep you here, at least till we can find a way to keep them from getting to you. Keeping you here is the only safe way; he can’t get to you here. They have no power here.”

Walking away from him, thinking there was nothing he could do to help my situation; he was suddenly by my side.

“You have to understand, that since we have found you, we can help you, but we have to do it here. Just please trust me that everything will work out.”

With that, he was gone.

I knew in my heart, I couldn't go back. I don't know what he expected from me, but it was too late. I left, and returning wasn't an option.

While I was walking, not knowing where I was going, suddenly a car whipped in front of me. It was Helen, my mother’s best friend. Before I could think, she jumped out of the car and started yelling.

Helen, however wasn't the greatest friend anyone could have. Everyone knew she was sleeping my stepfather. They had been having an affair for quit awhile. However, I'm sure my mother didn't mind, since she had her own affairs going on.

“Becky Lynn, what the hell do you think you're doing, we have been looking all over for you, everyone has."

When I looked at her, I started crying, because honestly I didn't know what I was doing. I was scared, confused, and wasn't sure what was in store for me.

As I got into the car, Helen was looking at me. I knew she was scared for me; she knew my mother was going to really make me pay for this.

Driving back, I started to get terrified. I didn't know what to expect, and even begged Helen not to take me back. All she could do was shake her head and try to calm me down.

As we pulled into the driveway, I saw several people in the yard. My father was the first to come running toward me. I saw an angry look in his eyes as I was getting out of the car.

I looked away for a second, seeing Kori in the shadows, I wanted to run to him and beg him to take me away.

I didn’t, and wondered if Kori even realized the fear I have been living through.

My father and mother were never married, I was the result of an affair gone bad, my mother was cheating on her husband with my father. To this day, she blames me for them never getting together. Confusing, but to hear her tell it, that if it weren’t for her getting pregnant, she would have had a better life. That was something else that was my fault.

My father later on, had married someone who couldn't stand his children. I think it was because she had none of her own, so she never developed that mother love for a child.

As my father walked up to me, he started asking me where I was planning on going. What was I thinking, and how could I not think about how worried people would be.

I was starting to get angry, because not for one second did anyone ask me WHY I ran away. What pushed me to the point. Not that I could tell them the truth, if my mother hadn’t already. Of course I knew she wouldn't, it would make her look bad, and well, that never would happen

My father didn’t know what was going on at my mothers. I tried once, he took me away from her, however, she called the police and I was forced to leave with her. I had thought maybe I was finally safe when he took me. However, the law was on my mothers side and he was lucky he was even able to keep visitation rights.

While he was yelling at me, in my head I started screaming everything I wanted to say. Vocally nothing came out. As if seeing the look of anger, and hurt in my face, he suddenly took me in his arms, and whispered that we would talk about it later in my ear.

I look around for my mother and found her. She was talking to Helen. I wasn't sure what they were saying but they both looked over at me. I glanced at my father as he walked over to them. As if seeing my mother and Helen staring at me wasn't enough, including my father made it 100x's worse. What could they possibly be saying?

After what seemed like hours, everyone was leaving. I wanted to leave to, but to scared to ask. After my father left, it was just my mother and me. She didn’t say anything and just walked to her bedroom.

Thinking I could just go to sleep also, my mother walked into my room. She had a bible in her hands.

“I don’t know what to do with you, and if you anything that’s evil, I'm gonna take it out of you".

She snatched my arm and dragged me into the kitchen.

"Stand there! You are going to read aloud from the bible until I say stop. If you have to use the bathroom, I go with you. DO NOT MOVE FROM THIS SPOT!"

I never saw Kori the month my mother had me standing there. After a month of waking up at eight in the morning and reading until nine at night, on Easter Day, my mother finally decided to let me stop. However, I wasn't allowed to celebrate Easter with my brothers. She let them brag and eat their candy in front of me, which I wasn’t mad or even upset. I was relieved that I didn’t have to stand there anymore.

That night,like many other nights, I laid in my bed, I begged God to take me. I couldn't handle anymore of the ridicule, the pain, and abuse I was enduring. At that point, I was thinking of ways to kill myself.

However, if you have ever read the bible, you would learn that you can't be forgiven for suicide. That is what stopped me, or I continue to tell myself. Truth of the matter, I don't think I wanted to die, I just wanted to be as far as away from her as I could. Then again, can God really blame me for doing it. After everything I was going through, wouldn't he had been happy to see me find a way to get out of a horrible situation? Why couldn't he see how much I wanted to end it all.

I saw Kori finally. As soon as I saw him, I started crying and asking him why did he leave me here. He looked at me with sympathy.

"I thought I was doing you a favor, we had to persuade your mother into not beating you again; however we didn’t think the punishment was going to be as bad as it was. I couldn’t come here because I knew you try to come with me, and I didn’t think I could handle telling you no." he said

Looking away, “I would've taken the beating." I whispered under my breath, trying to calm myself down.

"We couldn’t take that chance, the last time she did it, you could barely stand or sit, you didn't talk for several days. She never took you to the hospital when you broke your arm, we were scared in her anger she might've really hurt you, or even worse" his words trailed off, I knew what he was talking about.

I tried to forget what he was reminding me. She was so angry because I didn’t clean my room as perfect as she wanted it. She grabbed my hair, dragged me into the kitchen, and beat me with anything she could find. Lying on the floor, I begged her to stop, but she wouldn’t, maybe she just couldn’t. When she did, she finally walked away and told me to get up and go to bed. I went to the bathroom instead because I had wet my pants, I didn’t tell her, scared it would make her angrier and start all over again. When I went into the bathroom, I looked in the mirror. I had bruises all over my body. Scratches that were deep, blood dried up on my back. It took me awhile to clean everything up. I hurt all over, and could barely walk.

I don’t know what made me do my next move, but I stopped at her bedroom door, took off all my clothes, and said, "Look what you did to me" and walked to my bed.

The next day, because it was summer, the boys and I went to summer bible school, she told me to sit down and that she wanted to talk to me. I couldn’t look her in the face. I stared at a unicorn statue that she had in the living room.

"Becky, I don’t know how it happened, I wasn't even angry at you. I’m sorry, and please don’t go to bible school today. We will do something together. I will never do that again. God did not give me children to hurt them."

Her words brought tears to my eyes, and finally I looked at her. It was the first time she ever apologized to me. I wanted to believe it was sincere, but it wasn’t. I ended up going to bible school that day, but two weeks later, it all happened again.

Your probably wondering why no-one noticed the bruises and scars, truth is, they did. My mother was a scary person, and if you ever did anything to go against her, she would cut herself and her children from other peoples, families lives.

People around me learned to ignore me, and to look away. I never understood why until I grew older. It really wasn’t their fault, in me though; I have a hard time forgiving them.

What hurt me in those moments wasn't that I had went though that, but the fact, everyone knew or were scared that she may one day kill me, or I may kill myself, but one bothered to get involved. No one tried to stop her. Did no one care about my life enough to help me. Or was I being selfish, selfish thinking people should be thinking about me when they have their own lives going on.

Thinking about that day, made my head hurt. I truly wished I could have died that night. I wanted to be dead. I felt there was no place for me in the world...universe. That was till Kori found me.

Looking back at Kori, I saw the tears in his eyes, as if he just shared the memory with me. I dont know if that is possible, but if so, then maybe he does understand my pain.

"Becky, I wasn't there then, but everything you just felt, multiplied in my body. I dont know how it happened." Kori finally said as he wiped his tears with his hand.

I was stunned.

"How could that happen?"

"I dont know, I wasnt told this would happen, but I do have news for you." he said finally smiling.

At first I thought he was going to tell me they found a way for me to live in the other world with them.

" We found a way for you to get away from all this" he said.

" You mean I can finally come with you?" it came out as a whisper, scared someone would hear me.

Looking like I stabbed him in the heart "no, not that, we over heard your mom telling someone she is letting you stay with some family members, and it may be perminant."

Now it was my time to look hurt, I didnt want to be passed around. Surely whoever she is letting me stay with surely isnt any better then she is.

When I looked up Kori was gone, he probably saw the look in my face and couldnt handle the pain I was showing in my face.

My mother has never had the best judgement of character. The people she lived around, who she called her friends, were disgusting and shameless to say in the least.

" Even if you decide to tell someone, no-one would believe you." he said while getting his clothes on. I don't remember how it all started, I just remember that statement after the last time. The time I threatened to tell on him. I was only 8, and this man who I grew up thinking was my grandfather, had been raping me.

That was the day Kori found me, it was also the first time I wanted to die. I never asked him how he got into the room where I was, but I saw him just staring at me, crying. I thought I was seeing things, but when he saw I had noticed him, he seemed surprised.

" You can see me, oh this isn't good," he started with. Then he took my hand and sat me down on the cold floor.

" I came to late. I didn't know it was like this for you," looking at me with so much pity in his eyes, that I wanted to just bury my head forever.

" Why did it happen?" was all I could say. "Why did it happen to me?"

He just stared at me, and then started crying with me. Like he was the one who just went through what I had.

We sat there for over an hour, neither one of us speaking...just crying.

Finally my mother had come to get us, I wrestled in my head if I should tell her or just not let it happen anymore.

I finally did tell someone, but not my mother. In my 5th grade class, we where having a guest speaker come speak to us about "bad touching". I guess I couldn't control my feelings because I was crying and my teacher asked me to come out to the hallway with her. When we got out there, I told her.

I don't know what happened after that, because she told me to go to the bathroom and clean myself up, and return to my seat.

When I arrived home however, my Aunt was there instead of my mother. She looked at me and told me we had to talk.

She asked me what had been happening with the guy who was called my grandfather. I was scared at first, because I didn't know what was going to happen now that my family knew.

I told her everything. I told her how it started with just touching, and then it progressed to more. I told her about what he told me the last time he did it.

I was told to go to my room.

I thought for a few minutes that maybe I had luck on my side. My mother, about an hour later came to my room, sat next me and asked me if everything I told my aunt was true. I told her it was. She then took my hand and told me that she believed me and that she would stand by my side through everything.

I should've known better then to trust her. The next day when I was getting ready for school, I left my room, and the man and his wife was sitting in the living room and talking with my mother.

I froze in the kitchen because I didn't know what was happening. That was when my mother came up to me and slapped me across the face, and told me she didn't believe a word I said, and that I should apologize.

I was forced to apologize to the man who, took any ounce of innocence I had. Took my childhood. Stole any sorta happiness I may have had. I had to stand there and listen to his wife yell at me and call me a lying whore. All the while my mother standing there, letting them, laughing in my face. The saying, feeling 2 inches tall, doesn't even describe how I felt in that moment. I wanted to go run into the nearest moving car. I wanted to grab the sharpest knife, and slit my throat, yes not my wrist, that would've taken to long. All I wanted at that moment, was to disappear, die, forget I ever existed.

I wish I could say that was the end of it. But it wasn't. My mother forced me to go to the police station and tell them I was lying. She then forced me to go to therapy and lie because she wanted the therapist to find out "why I lied". My mother was angry when I was asked if I wanted individual therapy or group therapy. I chose group therapy. How could I sit and lie if everyone else was so busy with their own stories, and lives.

Memories, seems like I always get stuck in them. Its like I'm happy one second, laughing and having a good time, and someone will say something and I get lost. Its more of a torture then anything, and to say quit frankly, sometimes I wish I would wake up and have amnesia. However, I guess I should be a little thankful, because there are some of the memories that I dont fully remember, its like a book that is missing pages. In the end though, something happened, I feel it.

I tried to ask Kori if there was something he could do to erase some of the memories I am cursed with, but he just shook his head. The way he explained it, it might even erase him. I dont understand that, then again, I dont understand him. Even though he seems scared that i may forget him, apart of me doesn't care.

I knew Kori was hiding things from me, keeping secrets that I dont feel is fair for him to keep.I had to get answers from him, I was starting to get angry. I had to find out why he was here, why after all these years hes been around, hiding me from something, the sooner I found out, then maybe I could salvage the rest of my life.

After thinking of Kori telling me that I will may be living with someone else, my mind started to wonder. Maybe my mother finally decided to let me live with my Aunt. We were always close and although she could be tough, I knew she loved me. Or maybe it was my grandmother, I loved my grandmother, but within the last couple of years, I haven't really been able to spend much time over at her house. I never knew if it was something I had done, or my grandmother. Then again, when it came to my mother, it could be something so petty like a dirty look.

Waking up that day, my mother decided to inform me that my brother and I was going away for the weekend. I was going to stay at my Aunt and Uncles house, who I barely knew, and my brother was staying the weekend at my grandmothers house. I wondered why he was going over there, he usually went to my aunts house. It had been a very long time that I had actually gone anywhere, so getting away for a weekend made me ecstatic.

But why them? It never dawned on me that this was the moment that Kori was talking about.