Saturday Morning in the Bedroom of Good and Evil



ow the Red Vine was more tempting than any of the other candies which the parents had bought. And the Red Vine said to the girl, Yea, hath your parents said, Ye shall not eat of any candy in the pantry? And the girl said unto the Red Vine, We may eat of the candy in the pantry, but only after a healthy dinner and with parental approval. The parents have said, Ye shall not eat candy, neither shall ye touch it, before your mother and father get up on Saturday morning, lest ye die. And the Red Vine said unto the girl, Ye shall not surely die: For your parents know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the girl saw that the Red Vine was sugary and laced with artificial flavors and colors that were pleasant to the eyes and nose, and a candy to be desired to make one wise, she took of the Red Vine, and did eat, and gave also unto her brother with her; and he did eat. And they gorged themselves on Red Vines, but learned nothing to speak of, for the Red Vine lied to them about that part.

And they heard their mother making coffee: and the boy and the girl hid themselves from the presence of their mother amongst the toys in their room. And their mother opened the door to the children’s room and saw that the boy’s face was smudged in red, for verily he is the messiest eater of all God’s creatures. And she said, Child, what have you been eating? And the boy said, Maybe a Red Vine. And she said, How many did you eat? And he said, Maybe three. And the boy said, The sister whom thou gavest to me, she gave me of the candy, and I did eat. And the mother said unto the girl, What is this that thou hast done? And the girl said, The Red Vine beguiled me, and I did eat.

And the mother said unto the Red Vine, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all candies, and above every snack item and munchie; in the garbage shalt thou go. But then she hid the Red Vines in the back of the pantry, for the mother had nothing against the Red Vines, and was looking forward to having some later.

Unto the children she said, Wait until your father gets up. And then the children’s father got up, and he too was displeased. He looked upon the boy’s face and said, Really? You expected us not to notice this? And then he cast the children out of their room. But then he sent them back to their room and said, Before I cast you out, I want you to clean your room, for your room is a pig sty. After they had cleaned their room, he cast them out again, and made them work outside, moving rocks and doing all sorts of unpleasant tasks that he didn’t feel like doing.

At the end of the day, the children went to bed without dessert. And the mother said, Behold, your children are very naughty. And the father said, My children? The girl started it, and she takes after you. And the mother said, Whatever. Let us forbid them from having any candy or dessert for the next week. And the father agreed.

And once the children were in bed, the parents discussed amongst themselves what candy they would eat that evening.