Relationship Problems: How to Talk About What’s Not Working

No relationship is perfect. There will be times you fight over finances, you don't feel valued, can't trust each other, or find yourself having the same argument. Problems aren't always a bad sign. However, problems can create a distance between you if you don't address them.

Here are some topics to help you start your conversation and what you can say.

Find the Issue

Most problems begin with something. Perhaps your partner didn't call you. Your partner not calling is the problem. Why your partner not calling bothers you is another. Maybe you feel like they don't value you, or maybe you worry when you don't know what's going on.

When addressing an issue with your partner, ask yourself these questions:

• What happened? No assumptions.

• How did that make me feel?

• What do I need?

• How can my partner and I resolve this issue fairly?

Remember to state what you saw instead of your assumptions. Your partner coming home an hour late from what they told you is what you saw. "They don't care about you" is an assumption. Try to state what you saw first so your partner knows what you're referring to.

Here is what you could say:

"I felt neglected when you came home an hour late and didn't call me. In the future, please let me know if your schedule changes."

Rather than, "You never consider anyone but yourself."

Pick a Good Time

There are many reasons why your conversation could go wrong. Your partner may not be in a good mood, it could be late, your partner may be busy, etc. Don't stress about finding the perfect time. Just try to find a time that will allow you to speak your mind and your partner to listen.

Don't bring up a serious conversation when you're fighting, right before you leave for work, or if one of you is trying to sleep. Always ask your partner if they have time to speak.

Here is what you could say:

"I've noticed that we've been fighting recently about ___. Is there a time that we can sit down and discuss this?"

If they say no, then ask when they will be able to. Make sure to give yourself a time to follow up with your partner. Don't leave your issue unresolved.

Speak Your Feelings, Not Blame

If you blame your partner for something, they may feel as though they need to defend themselves, which will take your conversation off track from the issue.

Use the format: Situation, Feeling, Request. Make sure to word your request in a way that your partner can fulfill.

"You're always on your phone. You don't want to spend time with me."

"Whenever you are on your phone when we're having dinner, I feel as though you're not interested in spending time with me. Can we try not to be on our phones when we eat a few nights a week?"

This addresses the problem and allows your partner to help resolve the issue.

Learn to Listen

Listening doesn't mean you agree with what your partner is saying. It means listening to their perspective on the situation.

Repeat what your partner said back to them in your own words. Then ask if that is correct.

"I feel like you felt left out when I made plans without you. Am I right?"

If you disagree with what your partner said, show them you understand how they feel.

"I understand why you were upset about that. I remember that differently, but I'd like to figure out a solution to plan with each other."

Try speaking and listening in turns. Allow your partner to speak for a few minutes, then you can repeat what they said. After that, you can speak your perspective.

Address Repeated Arguments

Sometimes couples will find themselves arguing about the same thing. It could be chores, money, family, or how much time you spend with each other. Just because you're having the same argument doesn't mean you've failed as a couple. It means your method isn't working.

Try to identify what isn't working in your argument. Maybe one person always brings up issues and the other shuts down. Are you both bringing up old arguments?

Maybe Sam thinks the housework isn't being done fairly. Taylor feels attacked every time housework is brought up. Sam brings it up after a long day. Taylor gets defensive, and they argue about how they spoke to each other, not about the division of housework.

Try to discuss what isn't working when neither of you are upset. Create a list of what needs to be done and who will be doing each task. Set a time to meet and discuss if it's working.

"We've been arguing about housework, and I don't want us to continue to point fingers at each other. Can we create a list of what needs to be done around the house and who will be responsible for each task?"

Be specific with what you want your partner to do. "Help me more with housework" isn't specific enough.

Repair Your Relationship

We all say things we shouldn't during an argument. It's okay to apologize, but don't follow it up with "you made me mad." Here's what you can say:

"I'm sorry I called you selfish during our fight. That was hurtful, and I didn't help the situation by insulting you. I was frustrated, but I should have communicated what I needed."

Once you've apologized, continue your conversation about what caused you to fight.

If the argument escalates, tell your partner that you need time to cool down.

"I would like to continue our conversation, but I'm too upset right now to do so. Let's speak in 30 minutes."

Make sure you give yourself a time to speak with your partner.

Help Your Partner Trust You

Lying, not following through on promises, or hiding things can cause trust to diminish in a relationship. Telling your partner you love them and that they have nothing to worry about may not be enough.

Show your partner you're willing to be accountable for your actions. If you lied, tell your partner that you're willing to answer any questions they may have. Understand that they may need time.

"I lied to you, and I understand why that hurt your trust in me. I'm willing to answer any questions you have about what happened. I'd also like us to figure out what you need me to do to gain your trust back. I know it will take time."

Allow your partner to tell you what they need. They don't have to tell you that they'll trust you again right away.

"I'm willing to work on trusting you again. Right now, I need you to be truthful with me and follow through on what you say you will do."

Monitoring your partner will not help build trust. Give your partner accountability and set boundaries that you will follow. If you both want to save your relationship, figure out what will work for you.

Get Help

There will be some situations that no script will help you resolve. If you continue to have the same issue or cannot communicate with your partner, a couples counselor can help you.

You can offer to go to couples counseling with your partner. Don't use it as a threat.

"I love you and our relationship. We've been struggling to resolve this problem. Would you be open to seeing a couples counselor with me?"

If your relationship contains threats, abuse, or fear for your life, seek help from someone confidentially and make a plan to stay safe.

Change One Thing at a Time

You won't solve all of your relationship problems overnight. Take small steps to improve your communication with your partner.

"I don't want us to continue fighting about this. I want us to figure out what we both need and change one thing this week."

You may not solve your problem right away, but at least you took the time to speak calmly with your partner.

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