Raising Our Children to Be Resilient and Independent

When I grew up my backyard was the community. I was fortunate enough to to live on the outskirts of suburbia along with my brother and sister.

At the end of our block we had farm land and creeks. Paddocks to explore and trees to climb.

At the other end of the block we had a small amount of shops and bike tracks galore. New housing estates going up all the time.

We were lucky, our street had 12 kids, with more just around the corner or in the blocks behind.

We walked to school every day. Rain, hail or shine.

Across the road was an empty paddock and on the opposite side was a pub/hotel, the local drinking hole.

I don’t recall having many toys. My mums motto was “Get outside and play” and that we did.

From chasey, brandy, Billy cart races, riding our bikes, building cubbies in creek beds or making mazes in the long grass of the paddock, catching tadpoles and lizards, climbing trees, playing cricket.

I think mum's motto was what pathed the pathway to resilience and being confident.

We made mistakes, you got ourselves in a spot of bother, we learnt new skills and we challenged ourselves.

We got lost while riding our bikes, we would need to find out how to get home.

While catching tadpoles we’d slip and fall into thick mud, feeling trapped in quicksand and either we or someone else would have to help to get us out.

Our billy cart wasn’t as fast as the others so we had to find ways to make it faster.

The pub patrons would bring their kids and they’d come on to our turf to play and sometimes cause trouble. We’d look after each other.

Strange people would stop their car and ask for directions and insist we should hop in and show them and they’d take us home.

We would go and spend our pocket money. With all the goodies in the display cabinet we had to work out how much we could get of everything.

Every enjoyable activity we did gave us something to learn. Something to work through. While keeping ourselves safe. No adult was around so we needed to work it out.

I hear too often these days people saying to their kids “Don’t go out of the front yard.” Stay inside, don’t go there, no you can’t go on your own, don’t you’ll get dirty, you can’t play with that family, it’s not a nice world we live in stay close to me.

So when I had kids of my own I wanted to mirror my upbringing. Wow does it hit you when they are your kids your trying to raise. Your love for them is so strong. You never thought you could love anything so much. All you want to do is keep them safe.

We can’t protect our kids 100% of time.

We can raise our kids to think for themselves and to be smart about it.

I firstly learnt not to directly so no. I gave reasons for my decision so they could understand. Or I would put my concerns forward and ask them to find ways to turn the concerns into a positive experience. Like, I’d like to go to my friends house. “I can’t drive you at the moment and I’m concerned you’d get lost if you went on your own.”

This also led to the kids wanting something we didn’t have if they could make it I’d source the materials for them. My son, at the age 10, wanted a workbench he could reach in the shed. So he built it. 17 years later it is still standing. It wasn’t quite level and had a few gaps but it did the job.

We shared the roles of running the house. We all cleaned, cooked, did the grocery shopping, planned our holidays, set up working bees. And the kids had a say.

Our grocery shopping list was split into three. We would have a trolley each. We each bought two meats we liked each, three veggies three fruit, box of cereal each, one school treat each. One would get shampoo, the other dishwashing liquid. We would meet at the end and load all the food into one trolley. This way the kids had a say as to what they ate and learnt about the cost of food as well as learning independence in a safe environment. It actually made shopping fun.

When we went camping. Each of us had our role. One would set up tent while the others would blow up the mattress and set out the chairs.

My kids weren’t afraid to talk to adults and were known for holding a good conversation with people. Especially the owners of the shops in our little town.

My theory was if the kids wanted something it was up to them to ask. I didn’t talk for them. If they wanted to play tennis they would ring the coach and ask to book in. When the kids were sick I asked the doctor to address my kids not me; I was their support. Sometimes I would get a call back and asked if I knew my son had booked in for lessons. Neither of my boys have issues with engaging people.

My kids were like all other kids and wanted things. When it came down to clothes one in particular wanted all the expensive items. I was a single mum and didn’t have a lot of money but I budgeted well. My son wanted these great looking white board shorts. Expensive and white. I explained that firstly I could get three shirts for that price and they won’t look as white forever and will easily stain. His decision was he’d get the shorts but not as many other clothes and he would soak them after every wear. I was a bit hesitant but decided to give him a go. He never complained about not having enough clothes and those shorts and everything else that he owned that was white was soaked and is still soaked to this day. Might I say, he did look good in them.

When problems arose we would talk about them together and workout the best way to over come it.

Not having much money meant that often we learnt how to do things ourselves. So when the lawnmower needed servicing we learnt how to do it.

My kids are grown up now. One is a builder the other a chef. They are both independent. I moved to a different state. One eventually followed while the other is still back home. But I have the feeling he will be up here soon too.

We still have a great relationship.

Learn and trust to let your kids grow. Let them learn from their mistakes, let them make mistakes in the first place. Allow them to figure things out.

They deserve the chance and so does our community. We need people who are willing to try. To build on what they already know for improvement.

We owe it to them.