Presence

When I was a kid, birthday parties weren’t exactly expected, but it was something people did. I remember going to school, getting invitations, and hoping I’d be allowed to partake.

Skating rinks, park BBQ’s, Peter Piper Pizza (my days Chuck E. Cheese) people got together and celebrated.

The only birthday party I remember for myself was, I’m assuming, my tenth. All I know was that prior to my stepmom coming along, my dad never allowed me to do things like that. I would attend birthday parties, but mine was usually a celebration between me and my dad. I knew we didn’t have a lot of money and never questioned it.

The thing that gets to me today is how much everyone let birthday parties go. Not throwing them so much, as just not showing up.

My middle son is seven today. I didn’t plan a party or invite anyone. I think the crushing disappointment of no one showing up is too much for me to deal with.

You see, I keep trying. Last year for my daughter’s birthday, I convinced my dad to pay for a party for her at a place called Gravady (trampoline park). This was my first attempt at reintegrating myself into society after a long, secluded relationship. I understand how busy everyone’s lives are. I just wanted my kids to feel like they had kids to hang out with on their birthday.

No one showed up except my sister and her kids. Which was great. Our daughters are only a year apart and I think they had a blast.

I was devastated though. I understand that I had been out of society for close to ten years. I understand that you don’t know if we’re good enough friends for you to show up for my kid's birthday party. It isn’t about that though. It's about my kids learning how friendships work. How we have each other's backs. Except we don’t.

The same thing happened on her birthday this year. One person, (a good friend of my boyfriend) came with his wife and son. This was after FIVE of my friends had already committed that morning that they’d be there with their littles…

Now, I need it to be known that this has nothing to do with gifts. I struggle constantly and NO, I can’t buy your kid a gift either. I can, however, show up and bring my kid to play with yours, because building friendships is IMPORTANT.

All my kids want is companionship. Lifelong friends that they meet as children and can have well into the future. I want them to have memories and tales to reflect back on. I want them to know that the anti-socialism they grew up knowing is NOT the way we have to be.

I guess I’m failing at that.

So today, for my son's birthday, I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t set up a party or spend money I don’t have on food no one will be here to eat. I decorated a cake, hung up a happy birthday banner, and put his gifts out.

He’ll be stoked. We’ll take his new skateboard to the park after school and he can make some new friends.

The next time you get invited to a birthday, go. If the only thing stopping you is the gift aspect, tell them. I’ve more than once told people not to worry about gifts. Just be there.

Presence is the best present you can give.