PPD and First Time Mom

Never in a million years did I think I would ever get postpartum depression, yet here I am taking care of my baby and getting through it.

PPD and First Time Mom
The Beginning Can Feel Like The End

Brace yourself, this is going to get very personal. I just want other mothers that are going through this to know that they are not alone and shouldn't feel ashamed of talking to someone about their feelings. If your significant other can't be understanding enough to talk with you through all this, find a friend you can confide in. Make sure it's a close friend or family member you can trust because you don't want to tell someone that isn't your friend your deepest feelings about your new mom journey.

Finding Out


Most people have a great birth story to share and how they were champs through all the pain and all that. Let me be honest and blunt right now. My birth experience was traumatic. To the point that I thought both my baby and I were going to die. First of all, I was having a horrible headache for about a week straight. Not just any headache, it was throbbing pain that I thought was going to blow up my head. I decided it was getting too bad and asked my SO to take me to the hospital. SURPRISE!

"You need to be induced."

"Oh okay, when?"

"Right now honey, you have to deliver right now."

Those were the exact words that were said when I went in for a headache.


I was told I had preeclampsia which is basically when you start to swell up really bad and have an insanely high blood pressure that puts the baby in distress and has to be taken out. Well to shorten it up, I was told I was on the verge of having a stroke and seizures. Once I was in labor and pushing, my baby's heart rate dropped all the way down to almost zero. It was the scariest moment of my life.

That's when it all began. That very moment he came out. Don't get me wrong, I loved my baby from the moment I found out he was in my tummy. As soon as he came out I felt an abundant amount of love and so many crazy emotions were going through me I thought it was normal to feel disconnected from my little one. It got worse. I started to feel like a horrible mother, like my heart didn't want to respond with my brain. I was so confused...

The worst part was that my baby was in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) for about two weeks. We didn't get that instant bonding time you're supposed to get with your newborns at home. It is so much more different when your little one is at the hospital while you're at home.

Try Not to Worry Too Much Momma


No matter what I did I just felt hopeless, alone, I just wanted to fall off a cliff because I felt like a horrible person. I tried doing what I saw my SO doing but I just felt I couldn't get it right. I dreaded the day he would have to go back to work. I just wanted him to be here because I was scared to be alone with my baby. I would cry constantly because I felt like I didn't know how to take care of him when he would start to scream. Nobody tells you this part of being a mom. I feel like people should really talk to pregnant women a lot on this subject. IT'S IMPORTANT!

Eventually a few weeks passed and I finally started to get the hang of it. The doctor put me on an antidepressant and I feel it really worked. I actually stopped taking them after two months because I don't want to be depending on pills. I just try going for walks with my baby and distract my brain and I'm beyond in love with my little one. There is light at the end of the tunnel! Just seeing him grow and smile and laugh makes my heart happy. Don't worry momma it does get better just find a friend to talk to or even your SO.

Let Your Little One Fill You with Light

Photograph by Clarissa Candelario

You may not think things will fall into place, but trust me they do. If you start having a hard time with your baby because he won't stop crying or you have done everything and they just won't respond to you, leave them in their little crib or bassinet, walk away outside or to another room and just breathe a couple times. Tell yourself you got this and go back and care for your little one. It might not seem like the right thing to do, but it is! You don't want to stay there angry, sad, and hurt because you just can't handle it. Breathe momma, you'll be ok. Your baby will soon start to be calmer and do these incredibly adorable things that will just fill your heart with light.

Whenever you get the chance take a break. Go out into nature and just take it all in. It is amazing just to go to a creek or out in the mountains and just take in the scenery. You will thank me later, it makes you think about your baby and the future looks so much better. Then when you get home and see your baby's beautiful face, you then see how all this pain was worth it because your baby is now healthy and full of life.

Just hang in there momma, a lot of moms go through this sadly. We can all make it through this with or without someone's help. If nothing seems to work for you, talk to a counselor. They can really help you talk about your problems. It's a load off to unload all that is trapped inside your head. Now go out there and be the best mom that you can be. Our little ones depend on us to get out there and be their mommy.

Happy Momma

Baby Jasper and Me

Still dealing with some depression but managing great with my now four month old. It's tough but somehow even with the stress of not working and having to buy all of Jasper's things I'm happy to be this beautiful baby's mom. My first baby and it's been a heck of a journey. It's hard but every second with him is worth it. Feel free to leave a tip it would be greatly appreciated.

Clarissa Candelario
Clarissa Candelario
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Clarissa Candelario


I'm a new mom to Jasper Nikolai Christy. Own six chihuahuas. Malibu 2018. Mustang 2016. Taken. Certified Vet Assistant.

See all posts by Clarissa Candelario