Parenting Tips to Increase Communication with Teens

Parenting Tips

1. Allow conversations to develop naturally
2. Listen more and talk less
3. Let the youth direct the conversation
4. Ask open ended question that prompt conversation.
5. Honestly share of yourself

The Reality

When my daughters were teenagers starting a conversation required more effort that I usually had at the end of the day. In response to questions about their day, I usually received blunted responses.

“What did you do today?”

“Nothing.”

“Did you have a good day?”

“Boring.”

“What are you studying in science?

“I don’t know.”

“English?”

“I don’t remember.”

They resisted sharing unless I poked, pried and prodded.

The Present Situation

Now, families are living in confined spaces and the conversations remain stilted and brief. Though humans naturally communicate, effective self-expression and the ability to share personal information remains elusive, especially with teenagers.

Health professionals assert it is important to discuss what is happening during challenging times because conversation provides an outlet for emotions, an opportunity to process thoughts, as well as allows us to accept responsibility for our own feelings.

With a degree in communication and English, I understand the rehabilitative value of expressing myself through words whether they be spoken or written. However, I have not always heeded my own advice. When emotions overpower rational thought, I tend to hold my feelings tight thinking this allows me to remain in control. When in fact, the opposite occurs. The more closed off I become from others, my support systems, the more I internalize feelings and grant them power to control my rational thoughts. In these times my frustration increases; depression set in, motivation decreases, leaving me feeling powerless.

Applying Parenting Tips

Allow conversations to develop naturally

In this sentence the key word is naturally. Too often questions are used to spark dialogue leaving one person feeling as if they are being interrogated. Teens resist being led into a conversation when they feel the adult goal is to gather information. The focus should not be on the response but the person. Prior to talking, engage in an activity that holds interest to both people. Go for a walk, play a game, read a story or ask the teen what they like to do. During the activity, allow the conversation to unfold and respond in a natural manner that shares your interest. If you share important events and thoughts, others’ responses will be genuine.

The conversation in the opening shows how not to begin. A serious of question, is not natural. You do not talk to your friends in that manner so do not degrade your relationship with kids in this way.

Listen more and talk less

Simply stated we should care more about the speaker than the answer. I really messed up when talking to my granddaughter while I was scanning emails on my phone. I heard what she said but did not practice active listening. She told me about a paper she wrote for English and then we parted. I missed the opportunity to hear why she chose that topic, how she felt about the final product, if the story held any truth, or if she enjoyed the process of writing stories.

During a discussion, listen with your ears and body. Lean into the speaker to show you are receptive. Make eye contact to demonstrate your interest. Open your body language to accept the speaker; this means uncross your arms, relax your body, nod in response, and smile. A speaker often receives more feedback from your nonverbal than what your words actually say.

Let the youth direct the conversation

Quiet moments can cause discomfort but be willing to wait. It sometimes takes time for a speaker to process their thought and say what is really on the mind. If the adult remains quiet, teens are provided the opportunity to fill the silence. Often they will throw out a simple comment but they are sharing what is on their mind. If one idea is accepted, another will spill out and then another. Eventually, they are talking without realizing they are sharing. And most importantly, do not interrupt until the point is made.

During long pauses in conversation, I have been guilty of high jacking a conversation. In an attempt to ease the discomfort, I say something to fill the gap and immediately control the direction of the discussion. I heard once that when two people sit comfortably in silence, they build a bond. Don’t lose the chance to simple accept each other without words. When trust develops, the words will come when they are needed.

Ask open ended questions that prompt conversation

This means respond with comments that enrich the conversation or requests for elaboration. All questions should be in direct relationship to the speaker’s comments. Youth shut down when they feel interrogated.

During some college classes, I learned strategies to prompt dialogue. Open ended inquiries or statements of interest demonstrate active listening, thereby sharing concerns and attention in the speaker. When I have woven them into a conversation, their power has been immediately apparent.

• That sounds interesting. Please tell me more.
• How do you feel about that?
• You sound excited about ________. Explain what happened.
• Where you happy with the decision?
• How would you change your response if you could?

I have been known to fall into two negative traps during conversations. One, I try to add my own personal experience thinking it is fun to share. However, too much sharing turns the direction of the conversation to be about me, a major turn-off for a teen. Second, I make a comment that exposes my reaction. Once a person feels judged a barrier exists and open dialogue ceases.

Do not interrupt until the point is made. It sometimes takes time for a speaker to process their thoughts and say what is really on the mind.

Be respectful — even if you do not agree.

Honestly share of yourself — when asked

Teens want to talk to real people. They crave honesty and appreciate openness. In their lives, they encounter sarcasm, deception, false narratives, and friends who change loyalties as often as a chameleon changes color. They appreciate talking to sincere adults who speak the truth. Today’s youth are not sheltered and often fiction is advertised as reality. Guidance from parents or guardians can be vital.

There was a time, I believed I protected the kids but hiding the truth or softening reality, but all I actually did was evade the truth. Once my granddaughter asked me how I felt when her mother had a stroke and was in ICU. At first I said, “I am fine.” Once I realized by hiding my emotions, I was teaching her to do the same, I looked her in the eye and said, “I am scared because the outcome is unknown.” My honesty allowed her to share.

Building Natural Communication Opportunities

Games

During social distancing, families are thrust into small spaces together for long period of time. There are many games that provide opportunities for discussions. During these games, conversations do not exactly naturally occur but sometimes they are a nice place to start.

What Would You Do If . . . ?

I like this activity because it can initiate impromptu conversations or serve as an organized game by writing scenarios on scraps of paper. Place the papers in a bowl and each person explains their response. The response that gets the most votes gets a point. In giving their answers, your kids will practice verbalizing ideas and share their inner thoughts.

This game provides parents awareness about how children would respond to different events. Kids often only see one way to address concerns, so the value of this game is as each person contributes, multiple options and perspectives are presented.

Would You Rather

At some of our most difficult mother-daughter times, when events made casual conversation a challenge, my daughter and I would fall back on asking each other questions: salt or pepper, blue or green, mountains or ocean. We broke the tension by choosing our preference leading us to laugh, relax and find common ground.

I now see there is a similar game that is all the rage. (Just think if I had the foresight to market it years ago, I might be rich today.) The website, Tosaylib, shared “95 Would You Rather Questions for Teens to Get the Socializing.” This is a great place to start.

Finally, most importantly, create time to enjoy your teen. They are amazing people!

When young children have questions, there are strategies to support their concerns.

Support Kids During COVID-19