Parenting: More Options

I know you’re probably thinking, “What parenting advice can someone without children really give?” Maybe you were raised to believe there was only one correct way to do things. But every child is different, and every parent learns that eventually.

As the oldest child, parents are often just trying to figure things out. By the second child, they think they understand parenting, only to realize that child is completely different from the first. By the time the third child comes along, the parents are exhausted, and the youngest is left trying to keep up with their siblings. (I’m clearly the youngest, can’t you tell?)

Every child is different, and every parent raises each child differently. I have seen it with my own eyes, and I have seen the results.

I’ve seen the meltdowns, tantrums, arguments, illnesses, and constant need for attention. What I can say is this: spending time with your children does not have to feel exhausting. You should want to spend time with them. Ask yourself: if you had a completely free day, what would you do? Many parents I know would choose to send their children to their grandparents’, aunt’s, or uncle’s house just to have a break. Parenting is hard. It means spreading yourself thin, sacrificing your own needs, and constantly giving parts of yourself to make life work for your family. It is selflessness on an entirely different level.

I grew up in an environment where I was expected to come home and immediately start studying or doing homework. There was little balance, and I think that pressure left me mentally exhausted and unable to focus or perform well in school. Once that pressure was removed, I did exceptionally well. I took French over the summer holidays in a much less stressful environment and consistently scored around 95% on tests, whereas in seventh grade I had failed with a 47%.

I simply learned differently than my siblings. The expectation was that I needed to work as hard as they did—or harder—to succeed academically, but that was never the issue. What I actually needed was balance and a stress-free environment where I could truly focus and learn. I had stomach aches from anxiety as well, which caused me to stay home sick and miss out on more school than intended.

My husband had a similar experience, but in the opposite way. His family believed strongly in homeschooling because it worked well for his older sister. However, he learned differently. He needed structure, schedules, teachers, and clear expectations. He actually performed much better in university because that environment suited the way he learned.

Homeschooling can work wonderfully for some children, especially those who are self-motivated and eager to finish their work so they can move on to other things. But for children who struggle to sit still, cry through lessons, or resist learning at home, traditional school may be a better fit. Some children thrive in classrooms where there is structure, peer motivation, and a teacher guiding the group together.

There are also far more resources and support systems available in schools today than many people realize. I understand why some parents choose homeschooling to protect their children from the world, but eventually those children will grow up. They may go to university or college and suddenly be exposed to things like underage drinking, unhealthy relationships, and other overwhelming situations all at once, which can cause resentment towards parents for not telling them earlier. You learn that not everyone was raised the same or came from happy families. It can cause a lot of confusion as to why you told them and shielded them the way you did.

Parents cannot shield their children forever. What they can do is teach them good judgment. Parents need to know their children’s friends, meet other parents, and step in when they believe a situation is unsafe. At the same time, they also need to trust that their children can make decisions for themselves, especially if they were raised with strong values.

I had friends who made very different choices than I did, but I learned to form my own opinions. I ignored red flags in a past relationship because I was lonely, and that led me into unhealthy situations. I experimented once with drugs, realized quickly that it was not for me, and eventually left that relationship behind. Those mistakes were painful, but they taught me important lessons. Without them, I would not be the person I am today.

Sometimes people need to make their own mistakes in order to grow. Parents can guide, protect, and help pick up the pieces, but they cannot make every decision forever. In the end, children grow into adults who must learn to navigate the world on their own.