Not playing for the team – what is happening in kids’ soccer?

This past week has been a tough week for my boys soccer wise. This has led me to evaluate what soccer nowadays entails for my kids and whether I want to continue to pay for something which is becoming a less than satisfying experience for them and, by extension, for me. I always thought that sport was meant to be fun but I am becoming increasingly aware that this is not the case; that the value that team participation passes onto your kid is not always positive. It is about the win, but not for your kids.

It’s not cheap, playing soccer. It costs over $270 a month for my kids to play and this includes two practices a week each and a game. They play against other teams in our area and it has been so great to return to competitive sport after such a long time away. I love going to games and watching my boys play a game that they love.

But increasingly, I have been sitting on the sidelines watching other people’s children knocking a ball about and I want to be magnanimous and say that this is just as satisfying but I would be lying. It’s not; it sucks.

You’re probably thinking that my kids aren’t very good. I will admit that they are not going to set the world alight in soccer terms; very few do. However, they score goals, they assist with goals, they generally try their best on the field, challenging and giving the game a go. All I expect from them when they have a match is that they give their best. They cooperate at practices; they are polite and respectful to the coach; they turn up on time. They’re pretty good kids.

But in their last games, neither of them was given much playing time. I have a 10 year old and a 14 year old. The 10 year old played on Tuesday for fifteen minutes in the first half and hustled and challenged and tried. He didn’t score but he was active and made a difference. He didn’t play at all in the second half and came away from the game in tears. I couldn’t offer an explanation as to why he was not put back on as, from what I could see, he had done a good job. And don’t think that I wouldn’t have told him if he hadn’t. He gets criticised when I think he could have tried harder as well as praised if he does well. Some kids played the whole game, not “subbed” once. Would it be sour of me if I noted that one of them was the assistant coach’s son? He is a good player but…

My 14 year old played on Sunday, again was put on for no more than fifteen minutes, scored a goal and then didn’t play at all in the second half. I challenged the coach at the end who said that the other boy who was playing in the same position was doing well and he didn’t want to take him off. He’d had the lion’s share of the game. It was tight: we won 3-2 and it should have been exciting to watch but I struggled to be thrilled. You could argue that my son’s goal was crucial, couldn’t you, looking at that scoreline?

I’ve challenged this coach before, after a last minute field change meant that my boy went to the original field and had no idea where his team were. As a result, he was late to the right field and, as a punishment, the coach didn’t play him for the whole of the first half. This was my son’s first competitive game after Covid. They were short on players. It didn’t matter – my son was benched. I emailed the coach and told him that I thought his decision was harsh; penalise my son by all accounts but a 45 minute benching? A player from the opposite team was playing for our team to make up the numbers. The coach apologised and admitted to being too harsh in this instance and this capitulation increased my respect for him and made me sure of his sense of fairness. However, now, I find myself in a dilemma: do I challenge him again further or accept that even if my boy gives his all, he won’t get played?

I challenged my 10 year old’s coaches. His team is currently having a changeover: old coach out, new coach in. I tackled them both about it, respectfully and with logic and received an apology from both of them, which makes me feel positive moving forward. It was an oversight apparently, made in this transitional period as the new coach gets used to what he has to do. I’m not sure I believe it but I am prepared to give this young man the benefit of the doubt and we will see at the next game. Tonight. Unfortunately, there is an added element to my 10 year old’s team in that it has too many players so on the day of the game, you find out, like a lottery win, if your name appears on the list to play. I can confirm that my boy has been chosen and I truly hope that he has an enjoyable experience at soccer tonight. If he does, so will I.

Because, as a parent, that is what it is about for me. Don’t get me wrong. I want the team to win as much as anyone as no-one likes to see your kids lose. However, losing is part of it and generally, my kids can shake it off and feel satisfied at the end of a match that they did their best. They can’t do this if they’re never given a chance on the field.

This is what frustrates me and I know that I’m not on my own in this. What is it all meant to be for if they don’t get to play? Sure, they get the benefit of exercise twice a week and they might have a scrimmage or two at practice but it’s not the same as a competitive game against another team. And if you do think that they are the weaker players, how do you expect them to get better if you don’t give them game time?

Also, games are different. Playing an opposing team is different to playing within your own team. It gets you excited, nervous, pumped and on game day, because of these feelings, it can bring out the best in your players, even the lesser ones. However, the leap has to be taken to put them out there in order for you to see it. In my opinion, every kid has potential and should be given their fair share of time to show it.

So, no game play means no parental joy. I am paying, paying for the privilege of watching my boys play only to have this denied me and actually, what I am paying for is the ritual demoralisation of my kids. You have to ask yourself, is this good parenting?

It is certainly testing my skills as a parent, trying to console my boys as they come away from a game disheartened, crying or on the verge of tears. Their disappointment is palpable and I struggle to hide my own.

I respect authority figures – I was a teacher of high school kids for years – so I know how important it is to win the respect of kids in order to get the best from them. This involves getting them to see you as someone who they can approach, trust, depend on, feel supported by: all words of nurture. I understand that you have to be firm and have discipline so that order is present. I can’t imagine that this is much different for a soccer team coach. It’s an intuitive process, knowing how to get the best out of kids; when to push and when to pull back.

It has been difficult because of the way my boys are being treated to not undermine the coaches by openly criticising them to my sons. But I find that that is what I am doing. I don’t really like this as I think that a lot of effort is put into being a coach of any sort: the time, the preparation, the commitment – all are to be applauded. I couldn’t do it. I respect these things enormously.

However, teaching taught me that respect is a two-way thing. My boys are punctual, often at practice before the coaches; they don’t mess around and they listen; they are reliable members of the team; they try; they deserve playing time.

Before Sunday, I know that my older son respected his coach but I’m not sure that he does to the same extent now. He was frustrated and said to me, “What more can I do? I turn up, I work hard, but it’s still not enough.” And I have to agree with him. It’s not enough but I’m not sure what is.

Is this a life lesson for my boys? That they live in a world where they can work hard, show up, be dependable and still lose out? That their lives can be influenced by the will of others to such a degree that it will affect their happiness? That the people who you respect may not always be working in your best interests and are not to be relied upon? Sad though it is to say, I think it is. I think that these rhetorical questions represent the world into which I have brought my kids and I’m not sure I like it very much.

And so, we have some decisions to make about soccer. Do we stick at it and resign ourselves to the fact that they might not be chosen and “suck it up”? Or do we decide to take ourselves out of this environment, one where it feels like whatever effort is put in, the reward may never come, and write it off as a bad experience?

I have to say, to the latter, that I don’t really want to do this but I don’t know if I want them to be in a system where it’s about the winning, not the team. One coach said that he makes decisions based on what is good for the team but I would refute that for one simple reason: my son was part of the team and it was not good for him. And by the fact that two other parents came over to him at the end of the last game, I would suggest that two other team players do not feel it’s good either.

A team is like an engine; it has component parts, all of which need to work well. They need to be run and they need to be oiled in order for the engine to be efficient. Neglect any of those parts and it won’t run as well.

Maybe I’m a bit naïve to ever think otherwise but I wish that sport could be about the sport. The Oxford dictionary definition of sport is “an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or a team competes against another or others for entertainment.” For entertainment. For fun. For enjoyment.

But it is about the win. And I think that is what it will always be about. These sports’ clubs can dress it up however they like, about the progress that your kids will make and how their coaches are the best and how you’re paying for a great sporting experience but it is about the win.

And I’m not sure that that is something of which I want to be part. I think I’d rather lose.