New Mom Life 101

If you are reading this and happen to personally know me, you may want to consider not reading this article. I am writing this both to vent my heart out and prepare new moms for things that you really don't think about being a problem until it is one. I am also writing this with uncensored, raw emotion and no holding back.

So for those of you who personally know me, that's your fair warning.

This is an on-going battle in my head that drives me absolutely nuts.

Every. Single. Day.

So much so that I cry constantly about it, and I am not a crying type of person. I've cried more in the last 4-6 months than I have my entire 25 years on this earth. I am very emotionally hardened when it comes to my own emotions and my own feelings, but this is just something I can't shake.

For anyone who read my Post Partum Depression article, you know I battled with it hard, and I do mean HARD. Pregnancy sucked, having the baby sucked even worse for me. The battle was as real as it could get, nothing could have prepared me for it. I hate to say it, but I didn't like my baby when I had her. It didn't change for months. I hated having her around, and I hated the fact that I had a baby. I just couldn't take it. The Post Partum Depression fully took over my brain, and I was a walking nightmare. That being said, it didn't take away from my mothering ability. I took care of her, changed her, fed her, tried to console her as much as humanly possible. Let's face it, sometimes a crying baby is just hard to figure out. The poor little babies can't tell us what is wrong.

Around the 2 month mark I finally had that mommy moment I was hoping for. I felt the love, I felt the attachment. I cried and cried, because I finally felt the love for my baby I had been missing. It was an amazing moment. So for any moms going through, give it time. Everyone told me to and I didn't believe them, but they were right. It came to me when my brain was ready. When my heart was fully ready. Biggest relief I have ever felt.

Going through all of this was hard, but the hardest part of anything was underneath the surface of the emotion damage that had been done: The Baby Hogging. It fully started from the get go, the day we brought her home. It didn't bother me as much then, because she was new. Everyone wanted to meet her, so whatever. Let everyone get it out of their system. Well, that sure didn't happen. It consistantly happened and still happens. Nothing irritates me more than not being able to hold my own baby. I honestly never thought this would be an issue. I never thought it would be on my mind so heavy, but it really is. Nobody seems to care what mom thinks.

"Oh you're with her all day every day."

"Oh everyone is just excited."

"Oh its not that big of a deal."

"Why don't you ask for your baby back?"

These are the most insensitive comments I get to hear all the time. Guess what people, YES IT IS A BIG DEAL!! I don't care at all how excited everyone is. I don't care if I am with her all day, every day. It's my baby. I carried her for 9 months, I brought her into this world. The least anyone can do is let me hold my own baby. I honestly cannot believe how inconsiderate people can be to my feelings over something like this. If I offer someone to hold her, that's great. I offered, so I expect to have my baby handed back to me when they're done. Nope that never happens, she just gets passed around like a shiny toy that nobody has ever seen before.

Seeing someone else comforting my crying baby breaks my heart. It makes me feel completely worthless. There's my baby crying, have pains or hurting in some way, and yet, I'm not the one comforting her. I'm not the one making her feel better, talk about a punch in the gut.

Now the last question irritates the absolute fuck out of me.

I shouldn't EVER have to ask to hold MY baby. It is MY BABY!

People should have to common sense to say, "Hey, do you want you baby back?" "Would you like her back?" Or just hand the damn baby back without saying anything.

That also never happens. She usually gets offered to her dad and not back to me.

I HATE taking my baby places now because of it. I don't even want to leave the house. I've also decided recently I won't be taking her anywhere for a while. I am tired of people not giving a single f*** about my feelings about my baby and doing what they want. Baby and I will be staying home for a long time, and I don't care at all how selfish that sounds.

I didn't have this baby for everyone around us. I had her for US. I had her so we could have our own family.

Now you may be wondering: Why am I telling you this?

This is something I was never prepared for.

Something I never thought I would have an issue with.

Something you have to stand your ground with.

I have given up fighting this issue. People have already been talked to about it, and it obviously didn't do an ounce of good. I made a very detailed Facebook post about it for anyone involved with our family to see, and it didn't get the point across then either.

I know some of you are probably thinking, why don't you say something. Why don't you confront them about it.

It's because I don't want to deal with the outcome. People get very defensive over these issues and it's honestly not worth the fight. I am always going to be the asshole in the situation, so I honestly just don't have the fight in me anymore. Everything has beaten me down enough I barely have the fight in me to be me.

I am SO SO TIRED...

I am tired of being the nice person, I am tired of trying to please everyone else when I can't even keep myself happy anymore. I'm tired mentally and I just can't get a grip on reality anymore.

Being a mom is hard enough without all of the added pressures of the people around you. Some people are great at it, some people struggle. I struggle a lot. We have a lot of animals, a household to keep up with, my soap making, and tied in with my never ending battle with depression & anxiety. There's nothing worse than being mom shamed. You're not doing this right, you're not feeding her enough, she doesn't cry when I do this. Blah, blah, blah. You're always gonna have someone chime in on what they think is right, what they do, what they think you should do. If you don't like their advice, take it and throw it to the side. It's your baby and you know your baby best. You know what is best for them, so you choose what advice to follow and what not to. Don't ever let someone make you feel bad about choosing what is right for your baby.

Parenting is hard, and of course that should be expected. Some days are just so much worse than others. Some days go great, other days the baby cries and cries, and cries some more. I've never felt more worthless than when I realize I have slept through most of the day and have gotten nothing done but sleep and take care of the baby. It is the most defeating feeling in the world. I have some days where I get things accomplished, but it is never what I set out for. I never get enough done, and it sucks. I feel so defeated day after day and it really is getting to be a bit much for me.

Some days (more often that not) I hate myself. Some days I just don't know why I can't do anything but cry and take care of my baby girl. Most days I just want to curl up into a ball and hide somewhere, somewhere I can feel safe. Anywhere but here in this never ending struggle for perfection.

I am guilty of overthinking. I overthink everything, and that is probably why I don't feel safe in this "New Mom" position. I've never had to care for another human, I've never had people look down on me so much. I've never had people be so hurtful and thoughtless towards me without even realizing it. I've never had to be so much.

That's the issue. PERFECTION. Perfection does not exist. There is not a "perfect parent". There's not "a perfect way of parenting". Everyone has their own way of doing things. Everyone has their own views on how things should be done, but it should be pushed on someone. They should be able to raise the baby the way they want and the way they feel is fit for their baby (obviously as long as it is not harming the baby).

I wish I had all of the answers, but I don't. I don't think any of us really do. I honestly hope you new moms and soon to be moms take something away from my article. Good or bad. That is up to you.

Some of you may think I am a nut case and I am overreacting, and some of you may being going through this same thing and agree wholeheartedly. Eitehr way, that's okay. That is what I am here to do, give my perspective of what life is like on this side of the issue. If it helps someone, great, that is what I want to do.

I pray that you all have resepctful family and friends that will think of your feelings when it comes to this sort of thing and not their own.

I am better at expressing my feeling on a screen that with my own mouth, one of my biggest downfalls. When it comes to topics like this I just can't talk about it like I want to. I feel so weak. I break down and cry. I cried writing this entire article. I cried going back over it. I cried thinking about it. I just don't do well with something that hurts me so much. So instead, I turn to the world of social media. I try and put my feelings out there in hopes that someone feels the same way and can gain some confidence knowing they aren't the only ones who feel this way. Even if someone can read my article and think, hey, I feel so much better knowing that she is the same way. She's having the same struggles. We're all in this together. We're all fighting our own battles, some bigger than others. I know to some my issues are minimal, and I know other people probably have bigger issues. But these are my issues and that's what I am here to talk about.

So here I am, sleep deprived once again. Baby finally asleep after screaming her poor little lungs out for quite some time from her tummy pains.

Trying to live my life, one day at a time.

Trying to feel better about myself.

Trying to be a better mom.

Trying to be a better spouse.

Chasing that impossible dream we call perfection.