My Nightmare

This was written in response to a prayer request I submitted to the church that I grew up in and now attend virtually online through Facebook... I don't know how to get anyone else to hear my story about how my life has been completely destroyed by something that I myself was just a victim of... domestic violence. I hope it's approved so someone might see it and could maybe help me get my family back!

Thank you very much 🤎 I definitely need it and also appreciate it so much more than you’ll ever know... Today is my Daughter’s 12th birthday and the 19th was my son’s 9th birthday. Will you pray that they stay safe and that my daughter has a great day today for her birthday?

Also please say one for me too because as strong as I am, I am really having a rough time today. Every day without having them is so hard but days like these are harder than others. I’m missing so much of their lives and them growing up! I know that ultimately it is my fault even though I never let anything happen to them and no one EVER hurt them. Physically that is. (They were taken from me because of my abusive ex boyfriend) I just don’t understand how there are so many kids out there in the world right now that don’t have any parents, or so many people that have kids that don’t want to be parents and I have literally begged and begged to be able to be in my kids lives and the people of the courts just told me NO that I couldn’t be in their lives and I couldn’t be a parent to my kids anymore! Even though I never did anything wrong. My kids definitely didn’t deserve to have to see or hear the fighting that went on, no kid does! But I always took very good care of them. They had a nice home, their own rooms and almost any kind of toys, bikes, swimming pool, trampoline and anything else you could think of… They always had good food and clean clothes… And besides the abuse from my ex boyfriend, we were a happy family and we always went out and did things like going to the beach or the Suwannee River (our home is only about 7 miles away from the Suwannee) with friends and cooked out on the grill and we would go to church on Sunday mornings…. One of their favorite things to do all together was talk about God and Jesus 🤎 WE WERE HAPPY (besides the abuse like I said) If you can understand that or if it makes sense to you I’m not sure but WE WERE HAPPY TOGETHER! And then I finally found the courage and the strength to make my abuser leave and get out of out lives because I couldn’t let my kids see and go through the things that he did anymore! And he was gone completely out of out lives for a week and 2 days and then DCF came and took them and told me that it was only temporary for 2 weeks so I could get our house fixed. (he had broken our front door and busted out a window in my bedroom) and they promised me that I would get them back in 2 weeks but at the end of the 2 weeks I got a phone call telling me that I had to be at the courthouse the next morning and that’s when they told me that I wasn’t going to get them back for at least a year! I still don’t understand why!

So I had court dates every few weeks and the judge would ask me to give him a few reasons why he should give me my kids back and I never knew what else to tell him besides that I LOVE MY KIDS AND I NEED THEM AND THEY NEED ME! I’d tell him that I WANT TO BE A PARENT AND I WANT TO RAISE MY KIDS BECAUSE THAT’S MY PURPOSE IN LIFE! GOD GAVE THEM TO ME TO LOVE, AND TEACH AND TAKE CARE OF!! GOD GAVE THEM TO ME BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT I NEEDED THEM!!! But that was never enough for him to “give” my kids back to me! Why???

So I stayed strong for as long as I could but I learned that I was only strong for my kids and without them I was definitely weak and I eventually gave in to bad influences, but it was the only thing that took my pain away. Drugs were the only thing that would keep me from constantly crying and wanting to die. So for a while I was lost in that sad world but I went to jail for 55 days and was able to wake up and realize that I would never get my kids back being on drugs so I asked God to help me get away from those people and the things that made me want to get high and help me to get my babies back.

So I got out of jail and I was informed that DCF was wanting me to sign my rights to my kids away and I told them that they were absolutely crazy I would NEVER sign or give my kids away like that so they ended up taking me all the way to having a trial to terminate my parental rights and because I didn’t have any better reasons for the judge besides like I said before, the only thing I could say was that I LOVE AND NEED MY KIDS AND THEY NEED ME! GOD GAVE THEM TO ME! NOT ANYONE ELSE! ITS SUPPOSED TO BE MY JOB TO RAISE MY KIDS! MY JOB TO LOVE THEM AND TEACH THEM HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS CRAZY THING CALLED LIFE! THEY ARE MINE AND GOD GAVE THEM TO ME!!!!!! It wasn't good enough And the terminated my parental rights and because I didn’t SIGN them away they ordered a no contact order for me to not be able to see or talk to them at all. I haven’t seen or talked to or been able to touch or hug or kiss either one of my babies in 5years now!! I have almost given up so many times and thought about taking my own life just because I couldn’t stand to go another day hurting the way I do not having my kids with me. I didn’t know if they were okay. I didn’t know if they were safe or healthy and I didn’t know exactly what times but I knew that they were hurting too because they needed me just as well as I needed them. Not only that but I was taught that if you take your own life you don’t go to Heaven and I could never take a chance on not going to Heaven when it’s my time and spending eternity with my kids there. I just had to get it though my head and remind myself that QUITTING ISN’T AN OPTION FOR ME!! I had to remember that my Dad has always taught us that QUIT WASN’T IN OUR BLOOD! And I know that I have to get my kids back because I don’t know how much longer I can live without them but I do know that if I don’t try and I just give up then I’ll die because I need them! And I don’t think that is the plan that God has for my life . I’m sorry for such a long long message but I had to vent a little bit. I don’t do that very much. But please remember me when you pray. Even if it’s just for a few seconds to ask God to keep my strong and be with me when I cry myself to sleep every night but most importantly please help me to ask God to keep my babies safe and away from anything that would deter them away from him! Just keep my babies safe and healthy for me please!! I know how much it hurts to have lost them to DCF and not having them in my life. I couldn’t imagine losing one of them like so many parents lost theirs over in Texas. Thank you so much for your text to me today and like I said I’m sorry for the super long message but it definitely has helped me out more than you know just venting and knowing that the person on the other end actually cares🤎 Thank God for you and thank you so much for everything! Don’t forget about me please