Mother's Day Is Looming

by Linzi Agnew 7 months ago in advice

If mothers day is something you struggle with, for whatever reason, this is one for you.

Mother's Day Is Looming

I'm not against mothers day as a whole, it's just like any other holiday, commercialised to make us (some of us) spend money. The idea of saying thank you to your mother for everything they've done is a great holiday.

Now, there are many reasons to not enjoy Mother's Day. From a bad relationship with your own to not having the chance to be a mother yourself. Whatever your reason, I know it hurts. And I'm sorry that it does.

I want to touch on the women out there who are currently going through IVF, those who can't have children for whatever reason, those who have had one, or a few miscarriages, those trying and not getting anywhere, those who never had children but wish they had, those who want children but aren't in a relationship/are in a relationship with someone who doesn't, those struggling with postnatal depression, those who feel like they're not doing very well as a mum, those going through the adoption process, those who provide foster care. All of you. Please don't let the day get you down.

First of all, whichever of the above reasons applies to you, I'm sorry. I hope you're doing ok. I'm sure you're sick to death of hearing, "your time will come," or "life has other plans for you," and the many extensions of these sentences. From the bottom of my heart, I hope they are true though. I know it seems like everyone is having babies and you're seeing babies everywhere. Seeing people less worthy than you getting to have children when you're finding it so hard. (Trust me I know how that feels) I know nothing will make it feel better, but please believe that you're going to do great things. I, unfortunately don't have all the answers, or any of them for that matter, but boy do I wish I could help. For those providing foster care, sometimes you raise a child and they aren't actually there anymore come Mother's Day, just want you to know, you're still a mum and you're doing a fantastic thing and a wonderful job. I'm sure you're doing absolutely brilliantly, even if you feel like you aren't. If your own mother is around, spend the day with her, it'll help you feel good no matter what your situation.

I also want to touch on the women who have step children and feel pushed out, those who have estranged children, tense or difficult relationships with their children, those who for whatever reason don't see their children, those who have transitioned and feel isolated, those who have lost a child. Please don't let the day get you down.

Now, I know that you can't just send a text and fix whatever has gone wrong, but reaching out never hurt anyone. Text your children because you miss them, not because you want Mother's Day acknowledgment though. Whichever applies, I'm sorry. I hope it gets better. My sister has lost two children and I watched it spiral her out of control, while she has three other children who will try to make her day great, I know she will still struggle. My advice to anyone in a similar situation is the same as it is to her, try to focus on them and enjoy them because it's like the click of your fingers and then they're grown ups who have moved away. If you are co-raising someone else's child and won't reap any of the benefits, just know you are killing it. You're the best. I hope you get a thank you another day or in other ways. If you don't see your children, your fault or not, I'm sorry. All I can advise is to say sorry. However that needs to be said. If you can't rebuild those relationships, make sure you put your all into any relationships you have now and all those in future.

Last but by no means least, I want to touch on those men, women and children out there who find the day hard for other reasons. Those struggling because they've lost their mother, those who have difficult relationships with their mothers, those without mothers, those who don't feel their mother deserves a thank you. Please don't let the day get you down.

Wherever you fit, I'm sorry. If you've lost your mum, channel her and spend the day however she would have wanted you to. If you have a difficult relationship with your mum, maybe now is the time to move on. If not now, when? Obviously I don't know your situation, but if not having your mum around is something you'll grow to regret, bite the bullet and have the conversations you need to have. The one for me is the latter. You may have seen my previous post on toxic parents, which makes it clear that I don't have a relationship with my mother. Unfortunately, for us there is no way to repair the damage done. So I spend mother's day being judged and avoid people so I won't be judged. Every year, I receive a message from my closest friends to say they hope I'm ok because Mother's Day is hard when you don't have a relationship, and it helps. It helps so much. If you have a friend in a situation like this, please just send a quick, "hope you're ok" text. If you are in this situation, reaching out makes you feel a million times better. I tend not to tell people that I'm not planning to celebrate to limit the judging and awkward conversations, but my close circle know and they are pretty great for letting me know they're thinking of me.

For anyone who doesn't like Mother's Day for a reason I haven't mentioned, I'm sorry for whatever that is too.

Whatever your reason for disliking it, just please have a great day anyway.

There is another point I'd like to make—a very important one.

For all the mums who don't fit into anything outlined above, go you! Well done, chica. Keep doing your thing! I hope you have the best day 🌺

Hug your mum. Tell her you love her. Find ten minutes to buy the flowers. Send the text. Go round. Take her for a sure to be super busy lunch. Because hundreds of us are silently hating the entire day.

For all the amazing mums I know; I love you. You're doing a f******g fantastic job. For those who helped me become who I am, thank you. For the friends who have step children, you're the boss girl. You're kicking ass.

advice
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Linzi Agnew

Digital Marketer with a lot of other stuff to say. Perhaps too much. 

Tweet me on @aggneww with your articles, stories, or just to say hi

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