Mother-in-laws can come in a variety of different types. Kind of like baseball cards. You never know what you’ll get until you rip open that cellophane wrapper. You’ll either get ones with great stats and impressive careers, or ones you immediately wish you could pawn off on your friends. Without searching hard you can enlighten yourself with horror story posts of mother-in-laws all over social media. This is not one of those. THIS is a true story, of just one of the reasons I can say I married into a truly interesting family.
After a few years of being married to my lovely wife, my mother-in-law on Christmas would gift her two sons, and me, her only son-in-law, unique crocheted stocking hats. The first one I received was one with a crochet beard attached to it. It was actually quite nice and great for cold days. If you’ve never seen one, you should definitely make it a point to look them up. I still rock mine whenever I’m back in the snowy weather of the Michigan winter.
Since I enjoyed my new hat so much, every Christmas after that I would receive a new type of crocheted hat. I have quite a collection now. There’s the Batman cowl, Viking warrior, a hat that looks like a fish is eating your head and several more. For several years my mother-in-law would try to outdo herself my making one crazier than the year before. If I ever have my own personal office, I’ll definitely have them all out on display.
Back in 2016 I recently opened a new company with two friends of mine. Being a new company, I’d work long hours getting it up and established. On one December day I sat working alone in my office when I get a knock on the door from a postal worker. She hands me one of those larger padded envelopes. The sender label read that it was from my mother-in-law. This was very curious. Every package I’ve ever received from her has always been shipped to my house. In fact, I couldn’t recall ever giving her my office address. Of course I did what any grown man would do when receiving a package around Christmas, I tore it opened like I was a 12 years old. I couldn’t wait to see what crazy hat she came up with.
Reaching into the now shredded bag I grabbed the crochet item and pulled it out. To my shock and surprise that year she didn’t crochet me a hat. Nope definitely not a hat. She had crocheted a WILLY WARMER! Now you may ask yourself, what is a willy warmer? Well, I’m here to educate you on this matter. A willy warmer is a penis and testicle shaped sock one can slip over their genitals to keep them extra cozy and warm. She had even attached two jingle bells on it. Now I’m not really sure who invented the willy warmer, but it’s hard for me, no pun intended, to fathom why. If it’s cold enough where you think you need to make sure your frank and beans need to be warm, then it’s probably cold enough were wearing traditional under garments would provide better warmth. Who am I to judge though?
That night when I got home, I gave my wife a kiss and mentioned that I received her mother’s Christmas gift. My wife snickered. She obviously knew what was being sent. “Well how did you like your gift?” she asked.
“To tell you the truth, it was a little itchy,” I replied.
She looked at me in disbelief. “You actually tried it on?” I shrugged my shoulders and said yeah. “I can’t believe you tried it on, and while you were at work. You’re so weird.”
I looked at my wife, “No that’s not weird. What’s weird is that she knows my size.”