Mom's Can't Teach It All

Every once in a while, my sister and I start to complain about our husbands.

"He doesn't help with the chores!"

"He's SO not romantic!"

"He's too logical and practical!"

"He doesn't share his feelings!"

It doesn't take long before we start blaming our Mothers-in-law.

"She never encouraged him to express his feelings; that's why! "

"She doesn't approve of him in the kitchen! That's how that generation thinks! "

"Sons are favored and raised with so much privilege, and they just can do no wrong in their mothers' eyes!'"

"It's terrible for us!"

Now don't get me wrong. My husband is adorable and a great company with lots of good intentions. He is, though, terribly logical, practical, and clueless when it comes to romance. For example, on Valentine's day past, he has, pleaded to my rational side by saying, "You don't want anything for Valentine's day, right? It was created by retailers to make us spend more money! You're with me on that, right?"

In his defense, when I was a young wife, I would agree because practical as well, and it was an extra expense on our tight budget. It's not that he is too frugal. He just thinks we are very secure in our relationship that it's not necessary. But still, as a woman, I need some consideration in the romance department from time to time. Sometimes, I would like to hear sweet nothings. Sometimes I would like some romantic gestures of love, but it just doesn't occur to him until reminded.

I started to wonder, "Am I doing enough for my boys? Have I taught them how to be romantic with their girlfriends? their wives?"

It seems that my parent's generation was mostly focused on food and shelter, clothing, and HIGH academic standards when it came to raising their children. My experience with my contemporaries has a bit more on that list. As modern moms, as second-generation Korean moms, we COULD do better! For us, shelter, food, clothing, safety, and education are all "a given." We should also be providing for their spiritual, emotional, and relational health as well. Moms CAN teach it all.

Because I have two athletic boys, most of our dinner conversation, back when they were living at home, was around their sports activities. We have missed out on many opportunities to have discussions about girls' issues that may have naturally occurred by having a daughter in the house. I realize my boys, without any sisters, have had only me as their female role model in the home. What do they know about "What a girl wants? What a girl needs?" (Do I hear Christina Aguilera?) I saw visions of my daughters-in-law cursing my name in moments of disappointments in their husbands.

I was determined to try to teach them to be better boyfriends, better husbands, with the limited time that I had with them until they are married.

"Valentine's day is a week away… don't forget! She likes hydrangeas, remember?"

"Put your arm around your her from time to time to let her know you're there for her!"

To which my boys say, "Not another 'Life Lesson!".

"Can you read between the lines when she says things? Don't take things so literally!"

"When dealing with your girls, lead first with compassion, not with logic!"

To which my boys say, "I don't know what that looks like…"

They don't know what that looks like, because my sweet and practical husband is learning along with them. As much as we pride ourselves on being more "Americanized" with a more liberal way of parenting, we did not draw from our parents on love language. I don't recall my parents showing love towards each other. His parents, like mine, were not big displayers of affection, especially in front of the kids. Our parents may have jokingly puckered up or held hands, but proper modeling of love plays, and communication is not something that we witnessed in our childhood. We are the products of such environments, and I was determined to change that for the next generation.

I got so obsessed with teaching my boys the art of relationships, all the while troubled by the fact that they are now in their mid-twenties, (meaning I'm running out of time) that I was relentless. Every time I felt a bit of a deficit in the romance department, I turned to my boys and made it their "Life Lessons." I felt like I was trying to make up for the last generation's responsibility and playing catch-up not to disappoint the next.

During their high-school and college years, whether they responded to me or not, I would send them motivational quotes, inspirational videos of coaches and athletes, and victorious wins before their lacrosse games. Similarly, whether they ignore it or not, I decided to send them texts of love quotes, directions, and lectures on love relationships that resonated with me to be relevant. I figure, if I bring it up to their attention and start conversations, it's bound to make an impression at some point. Maybe, amid their love quarrels, one of them will remember, "Ah. Mom told me to meet her frustration with curiosity, not my frustration." or "What she says and what she means are two different things."

Then I went through all my disappointments in my love life and started to review them all. To be fair, it wasn't just what my husband didn't do or didn't do well; I equally had not done the right things or said the wrong things. And we did have moments of tenderness after blow-outs but none that our kids witnessed. It's so easy to be Monday morning quarterbacks, right?!

I was even considering creating a Facebook page dedicated to posting all the things they should know. That way, they can refer to it at any given time. Of course, I would also insist that they follow it and turn on notification so they would know when I posted.

I started to make a list of all the precautionary advice I could post:

"When you fight about hurt feelings because you forgot…"

"When you fight about your behavior in front of her… "

"When you failed to… "

"If you forget to… "

"If she throws a tantrum because…"

It was starting to look like a list of failures. I was trying to prevent any downside of a relationship, but it looked as if I was expecting their love to fail before it even got started. I was trying to predict all their fights and disappointments and advise them through it play by play. Then it dawned on me, "At what point does good intentions of making better men turn into a problem in their relationship?" As a daughter-in-law, I don't think I'd appreciate this much meddling. As a future mother-in-law, this looked like a hover parent on steroids. As a woman, who's been through it? It seemed ridiculous for me to think that I can design and manage their love life.

My children's love lives aren't something I can predict or expect to be parallel with mine. Love isn't something you can learn through books, lectures, or my "Life Lessons." You can't explain heartache or Love-highs with words. You have to experience it yourself to truly feel at the cell level. Love is a participation sport. They have to get in there and play it out themselves. They will face unexpected situations and challenges and create their strategies. They will learn to pass the good ones, dodge the bad ones. They will learn to shake off the disappointments and celebrate the goals. They will use their instincts, emotions, and compassion to get through it together, solid as a team. Though I may see similarities at times, I mustn't transfer my fears and emotions onto them as if life had no variety. I can't yell at them from the sidelines what they should say, word for word. It's like they told me once after a game, "Mom, we can't hear a thing."

They can't hear me. I'm not an invited player in this game. But what I CAN do is stay on the sidelines and root for them. Cheer them on to their victory, just like I did every game. I have hope and faith I've made a deep impression on them, and my presence, constant prompts are not necessary. Some things in life must be first-hand. Maybe Moms CAN'T teach it all. Perhaps it's not our place.