Mom Evolution

My first venture into Facebook-land was back in February 2008. I set up my account the same day that my beloved New England Patriots were taking on the NY Giants in Superbowl XLII. I posted a picture of my two year old son beaming at me with his arm around his floppy one month old brother, both wearing their carefully selected New England jerseys.

I even remember posting this very picture. Thinking about how adorable the boys looked and how I couldn’t wait for my friends to see it, think the same thing and of course tell me how cute my kids were. They’d notice how I’d obviously made the effort to buy my boys coordinating jerseys, made sure they had pants that matched, that the white long sleeve onesie was clean to layer underneath. How my toddler’s hair was washed and brushed and everyone looked happy. Painting the picture of myself as a together, on top of things mom. Yes, I had a one month old and a two year old, but whatever, I can coordinate outfits and take a picture so that must mean I have my life pretty much under control.

Guess what, somewhere between nursing the baby and putting the toddler to bed, I never even watched that game (they lost, in case you didn’t remember!) But I made sure to post a picture of the cute kids so that counts for something, right?!

One thing I love about social media (or maybe love to hate about it) is that everything is documented. I can look back and see what my kids were doing five years ago today. When it was that they said their first word or got their first tooth, because you bet I shared all of that! The Facebook memories feature is always fun for that purpose. Oh, look how cute they were 6 years ago, etc etc.

I find it far more interesting to look back on memories of myself. Not only are my kids’ cute pictures documented but also, in a much more subtle way, is my development as a mom and as a person.

Some of my statuses from 2008:

“wishes the whining would stop.”

“was hoping for a nap, but that’s not going to happen”

“Dear child, maybe if you didn’t wake up at 4:35am you wouldn’t be so grumpy at noon.”

“wishes a gallon of milk would buy itself at the store and walk to my house because I don’t want to go out in the rain with two kids.”

“is mad at the weather.”

“will scream if I hear the Thomas theme song one more time!”

(Really? Mad at the weather?)

Every time the Facebook Memories feature pops up, I can scroll backwards and see my posts get more and more negative as the years rewind.

When I look back on those early days, with two kids under three, all I remember is the stress and the exhaustion. I hate that that’s true, but it is. Eight years ago, I was a stressed and exhausted young mom, YET I had some compulsion to pose cute pics of my kids and consciously made it look like we were always having a fun, educational time. If my son watched TV for 4 hours, but then sat down for 10 minutes to paint—you bet I ran for the camera so I could put the picture on social media.

Subconsciously, I did it to make myself feel better, to make myself believe that the stress and exhaustion and the sometimes letting him watch TV for 4 hours didn’t really exist and the image that I presented to the world was who I really was as a mom.

I was driven by perfectionism in those days.

I believed that I was somehow doing it wrong and everyone else was doing it right. I developed this cute, carefully crafted picture habit based on what I thought all the OTHER MOMS were doing right.

That OTHER MOMS stuck to their screen time limits and OTHER MOMS had their kids potty trained by the time they were 18 months and OTHER MOMS lost all the baby weight by doing active stuff with their kids outside and I was sitting inside, secretly eating a Hershey bar in the kitchen as quickly as possible before the kids saw me.

My status updates told the “real” story. My words which were much more spontaneous and raw than the carefully posed pictures in cute outfits. I was reaching out. I wanted support, I wanted commiseration, I wanted a tribe. I was putting little pieces of myself out there in the hopes that they’d be picked up and comforted. I wanted to not feel alone, when I was at my loneliest.

Social media, as much as I may love to hate it sometimes, provided amazing connections for me at that season of life. Other moms out there in Facebook-land, who I never would have confided in if we passed each other on the street one day, became a multi-layered support system at the click of a mouse. Some commiserated, some offered advice, some made me laugh, some just said “yeah, me too.”

I learned that I wasn’t the only one who didn’t feel like playing outside even though it was a beautiful day so I let my kids stream Backyardigans on Netflix all afternoon. I wasn’t the only one whose infant spit up all over the front of my shirt during pre-school open house. I wasn’t the only one who had to drag a screaming child out of Target because he couldn’t take all the toys home. I wasn’t the only one who wanted to cry because my afternoon down time was ruined by a toddler who refused to nap.

Had “2008 Me” not had that outlet to vent, to cry, to celebrate, to benefit from the knowledge and experiences of friends near and far, I am certain that “Today Me” would be different. I am not sure exactly how, but something tells me that I would still be having “mad at the weather” moments.

Somewhere along the way, perfection diminished and balance took over.

I no longer feel stressed and threatened by my friend’s pictures of their gorgeous kids doing wonderful things. I feel happy for them for being able to have that great experience and also appreciate how much effort it must have taken to get everyone to look at the camera at the same time!

I now have three gorgeous boys—my oldest in middle school and my youngest in pre-k. I have all but given up on getting the “perfect” picture these days and I have no idea if we even have one Patriots jersey that fits any of them.

My statuses from today no longer reflect my stressed out crankiness, because I have learned to be real and stop fighting what isn’t perfect.

Is the crankiness real sometimes? Of course! But I have also learned perspective and I know that everything is a season. I have learned to ask for what I need and let go of the things that are not truly important to me.

Most importantly, I’ve made it my mission to be the support for other moms that I so desperately needed back in my perfectionism days! When I see a mom reaching out as subtly as I saw myself doing back in those days, I make sure that I am there to provide an ear to listen.

I read something recently talking about how future generations will study history in a completely different way due to the reach of social media. 100 years from now, people will be able to (in theory) look back and see what a typical day was like for their great-grandparents. Kinda cool.

Will my struggle be evident to my great-grandaughter reading through the historical Facebook archives someday? Maybe, if she’s looking closely, or maybe not. But I hope that when she needs it, she finds support, friendship, a mom tribe, or just a shoulder to cry on for a few minutes.

I hope she finds someone to tell her she’s not alone. That is what it’s all about.