"So how long has it been?" My sister Jane asked, looking up at me from her cutting board where she was mincing garlic. "Since what?" I asked, knowing exactly what she was asking but trying to evade the topic. "Since my last drink?" I was annoyed and did not want to talk about it, especially because the smell of the garlic that was now sizzling in the pan reminded me of cooking at home alongside a large glass of red wine.
"No, Ellie. Since your last date. Jesus." She responded in the same annoyed tone. Talking to my sister was always like talking to a mirror. Whatever attitude I was feeling at that time, Jane was going to reflect it right back at me. This made our relationship hot and cold since we were kids.
"I don't know, I hadn't actually thought about it too much." I looked at her and popped a black olive in my mouth, trying to change my face before she could tell I was lying. I filed for divorce at the end of last year. During the holidays. During a pandemic. It was the loneliest time of my entire life. Earlier that year my husband and I had both began working from home for a few months after the coronavirus shut down both of our offices. At first, it was not that bad. Fun, even. We caught up on all our favorite shows, started binging on all the shows we never had time to watch, got drunk and made love in all the rooms around the house. We became closer than ever. During the day he always insisted on using the home office, because he had Zoom meetings all day and needed the silence of an enclosed room. Since all I did was answer emails and talk on the phone, using the living room as my workspace really didn’t bother me. At night, we would cook dinner, drink wine, play cards. We had gotten used to the new “normal.” We felt lucky that we were going through this pandemic together. That all came to a screeching halt when I went into the office one day.
“How have you not thought about it? I have.” Jane’s voice pulled me right back down to Earth from the pathetically romanticized flashback montage of my husband that was dancing around in my mind.
“Well, Oliver and I dated for five years and then were married for five more, and five plus five equals ten last time I checked.” I winked at my sister to avoid a sassy response from her.
“Ten years. Damn.” Jane shook her head. “I would be dying right now. And sweating. Like profusely sweating.”
“Yeah, thanks a lot, Jane. Got it.” I said sarcastically. “You know the whole point of me coming here before my date was to borrow something to wear and relax, right? Now you have me stressed and questioning my deodorant choice.”
I left the kitchen and walked into her bathroom. Jane lived on a busy street in a cute one bedroom one bathroom apartment on top of some touristy boutiques and overpriced brunch restaurants. Her house was never quiet. I think that’s why I liked it here so much. I grabbed her deodorant and started aggressively reapplying and looked in the mirror. I pulled back on my forehead to make my wrinkles disappear. I looked tired. I was tired. I needed a drink.
“How about this?” Jane came into the bathroom holding up an Oktoberfest beer maiden outfit she wears every year to go bar hopping in. I never understood why she celebrated
Oktoberfest so intensely. We weren’t even German.
“You’re hilarious.” I rolled my eyes and walked past her to her closet. Jane was 4 years younger than me, so her clothes were definitely…different…but we were relatively the same size, so I didn’t care. Plus, Jane’s quarantine hobby was online shopping, so she had tons to choose from.
“Don’t you think it’s weird to have a first date during a pandemic? When you first see him he’s going to have a mask on his face. What if you don’t recognize him?” Jane began flipping though the clothes in her closet.
“I’m going to recognize him, Jane. I’ve known Eli for years.” I held up a pair of Jane’s earrings to my ears.
“Yeah, but not in your adult life. You haven’t seen him since high school. He might look totally different than his Facebook pictures.”
“Oh my God, stop being so negative. Just pick something out for me.” I put the earrings down and laid face down on Jane’s bed. I really didn’t want to do this. I can’t do this. I need a drink.
Jane rolled her eyes at me and came to lay beside me. “Let’s look on Pinterest for a cute first date outfit.” She opened her phone and her Facebook was open. I saw him immediately.
“Wait, stop. Give me that.” I reached for Jane’s phone. She jerked it back.
“Don’t do this, Ellie. You know how it always ends.” Jane was holding her phone up in the air and making quick movements to prevent me from grabbing it.
“Just give it to me, Jane. I’m fine. I promise.” My face was hot. I was shaking. I needed a drink.
“You know what Ellie? Fine. Have at it. But I’m not going to let you cry into a bottle of wine and fall asleep on the floor tonight. You’re going on this date.” She threw her phone on the bed towards me and went back to flipping through her closet. I picked up her phone with my shaking hands. The phone felt like it weighed a ton. I opened her phone back up to see his face again. With her. Something else was different too, and then I saw it. He changed his name.
Everyone used to call us “Ellie and Ollie.” It drove me nuts. It sounded like the names an old lady would give to her cats. Oliver knew that it drove me nuts and would then find any opportunity to use it to torture me. He made “Ellie and Ollie” home décor, Christmas cards, he even changed his name on Facebook from Oliver to “Ollie” when we started dating. It was always an ongoing joke between us and our friends. Social media makes you deal with a lot when you go through a breakup. You change your relationship status, you delete pictures, you make yourself look insanely happier without your ex. It can be exhausting. Which is exactly why I blocked Oliver on every social media platform. For some reason, seeing “Oliver” and not “Ollie” hurt worse than seeing him change his profile picture to a photo of him and his new girlfriend. It seemed so insignificant and silly, but it absolutely gutted me. He was completely ridding of me. I needed a drink.
“If you’re done torturing yourself you should try this on.” Jane waved a little strappy black dress on a hanger in my face. I stood up and took off the sweats I was wearing, pulled the dress over my hips and stared in the mirror.
“Holy shit.” I was pleasantly surprised. I hadn’t seen myself dressed up in months.
Jane spanked my butt “You look hot!” She grabbed my arm and dragged me into the bathroom. She opened her makeup bag and went to work.
“Are you almost done?” I was notorious for being late and I was getting anxious. I also really wanted to get to the restaurant and order a glass of wine. Or a bottle.
“I’m almost done. Stop moving.” Jane put the mascara wand back into the bottle. “And, there! You look incredible.” Jane stepped aside so I could see myself in the mirror. I did look incredible. For the first time in a while, I had color in my face. Contoured cheek bones, red lips, a cat eye. I looked like the old me. Jane sprayed some dry shampoo in my hair. “You’re ready.” Jane said. I took a deep breath. I didn’t feel ready. I need a drink.
The restaurant was ten minutes away. I got into my car and rolled down the window. Jane waved from her balcony. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” she yelled as I peeled out from the front of her building. I got a text from Eli saying he was parking at the restaurant. I hadn’t even thought about Eli all night. All I could think about was drinking. And Oliver.
The last time I saw Oliver was that day in his office. He was unusually quiet, so I brewed a pot of fresh coffee and brought him a cup, thinking he was tired and needed a pick me up. I walked into his office and his hushed voice stopped. His bright expression he had looking at his computer screen froze. His entire body turned from mine. He was hiding something. Then I heard her voice, and I knew.
His coworker had been an issue for some time. I never had any proof, any receipts, any rhyme or reason for knowing something had been going on with this girl but man, I knew. Every holiday party, dinner party, birthday party, the glazes between them seemed to linger a little too long. Their conversations were always a little too intimate. For as close as they seemed in person, he never had her number saved in his phone. And then the “late work nights” started happening. He swore nothing was going on. I felt crazy then, I still feel crazy now.
He cheated. He cheated for a long time. I never noticed because we were both so busy with our own lives. It took a pandemic and forced time together for me to see who my husband really was. There are times that I wish I never walked in the office that day and there are times that I am so proud of myself for walking out and never looking back. I felt proud then, I still feel proud now.
I left the window rolled down as I drove. I had fresh makeup and hair that the wind could ruin but I didn’t care, it felt so good. I wasn’t driving towards the love of my life or a life changing experience. I was just driving. I needed this.
Seeing Eli for the first time in a long time was wonderful, don’t get me wrong. I recognized his masked face right away. We exchanged hellos and grabbed a table. We sat down and he took his mask off, his teeth were purple. He was drinking before the date, just like I would’ve been.
My heart started pounding. The ambiance of a busy restaurant was dizzying. To be sitting at a dinner table with someone other than my husband made it feel even more surreal.
“It’s been a while, El. You look fantastic.” Eli’s voice sounded sweet.
“You look good too Eli.” Oh Jesus, the sound of “Ellie and Eli” was already making me cringe. I laughed to myself.
“What’s so funny?” He asked.
“Oh nothing, nothing. What’s good here?” I looked down at the menu to break his gaze. He really did look good. I felt butterflies. It felt nice. I needed this.
I looked at the wine list. I had been sober for two weeks and today was the first day I could finally feel myself having fun without the comfort of alcohol. Without the aid of booze I felt the wind in my hair, I felt pretty, I felt butterflies. I felt like myself. I didn’t need a drink.
The waiter came over to us. “Can I offer you a beverage to start? We have a very exclusive list of wine to choose from.”
“I’ll have a glass of Merlot, please.” Eli said. Both Eli and the waiter looked at me.
“I’m good with water, thank you.” I said and smiled, I needed this.
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