MAMA HAD NO CLUE

Understanding why a child does not speak up when being abused is unfathomable to adults. They say, “why didn’t they tell their parents”, unfortunately, therefore they call it abuse. A child is at the mercy of the adults that they are put in care of, whether it be buy natural birth, adoption, or a trusted caregiver. Abuse is abuse. A child is abused and should not be held responsible for the manipulation inflicted on them. A child can be threatened and told that if they tell someone, they will not be believed or that they will hurt them or their family members. Ask me how I know. It happened to me and I can vouch that there are reasons that abuse is kept a secret and that a child is too tired to confide in someone about the abuse. I was very good at hiding the truth, but, as an adult I know there were signs, that if my parents would have picked up on, she may have been able to figure out that something was not quite right. My abuse began first with my grandfather when my brother and me were left with our grandparents for two weeks during my family’s move from Texas to North Carolina. I was nine years old and found myself awakened in the bed I was sleeping in. My grandfather had woken me up by molesting me, I was so scared that I willed myself back to sleep and still do not know fully what happened to me. The next morning, I instantly confided into my uncle and he took me to my grandmother. I told her what happened, but she did not believe me. That is where the viscous cycle of me thinking that no one would believe me, began. Although my grandfather began the abuse, he did not continue, and I was able to avoid further abuse from him. Soon after this event, my uncle on the other side of my family, began molesting me and this continued until I was eleven. He threatened me with harm, he told me that no one would believe me, and that it was my fault that he was touching me. I did not feel like mama would believe me. He was her brother, there is no way she would believe me. I avoided the situation that put me in my uncle’s presence as much as I could. When mama was at work, we had to either stay at my paternal or maternal grandparents. I would avoid the abuse of my uncle by going to my paternal grandparent’s house. Remember, this is where I was abused by my grandfather, however, he was at work too. I would refuse to go to my uncle’s house and mama never knew why and did not understand why I refused. There were many days my brother was there, and I was at the other’s house. Unfortunately, I was unable to avoid my uncle all of the time and trust me he took advantage every time he had the chance. I would flee to the woods behind my grandparents’ house, but somehow, he found me. He inflicted pain on me and punished me to get me to do what he wanted me to. He pulled my hair and bruised my breasts with force to make me stay where he wanted me to. Fortunately, we moved away from the area, which completely stopped the abuse. I was a victim, plain and simple. I was a child. Should my parents have noticed? Were there signs? Yes, there were signs, but the person that did this to me was trusted, he was family, and he was supposed to protect me. Dad and mama could have noticed, but they were in the middle of their own marital issues. I do not blame them, but as a parent myself, I realize how easy it can be to not know what is going on. I finally told my mama when I was sixteen. She was completely heartbroken and the fact that I did not tell her, haunts her all of the time. I assure her that there was nothing she could have done because I was good at hiding it.

The reason I am writing this is because my husband’s family recently had this to happen. There were several family members that did not believe her and simply said she was lying. They also said that she would have and should have told someone. There was no possible way that this troubled sixteen-year-old was telling the truth. This whole situation appalled me. I quickly realized that I should start speaking-up. Speaking-up for these children. Speak-up for the parents that have no clue what is going on. I am sorry for the time I have wasted and could have possibly helped.

If your child is withdrawn or is hesitant to stay somewhere, even a daycare setting, you may want to pay attention. If there is something not quite right with your child and you cannot put your finger on the problem, ask questions. In the case of my husband’s family member, she had been harming herself. Make your children believe that they can tell you anything. Have a talk with them about inappropriate behavior that should never happen. I often wish someone, anyone, would have reached out to me. I believe I would have confided in anyone that would have asked. I was consumed with stress and carried a heavy burden for over two years.

I am not saying to start accusing anyone, but if you believe there are suspicious things or things that just do not add up, ask your child. Let them know that they can tell you anything, they can trust you, and you would steal the moon for them. Be aware of possible abuse, even when and where you would least expect it.