Lorelei's Letters—Letter Four

Lorelei's Letters is a series of posts addressed for my daughter, but that have general statements that I believe everyone should hear from someone, at some point in their lives. Basically, they are letters from mother to daughter, trying to explain this crazy world, and give some advice. A lot of them are on dark topics that I hope my daughter will get through with no scars. I hope you enjoy, or at least take something from the letters. Know that no matter who you are, where you are, or what you've done, you are loved. - A mother

Dear Lorelei,

From day one, you were the light of my life. You were a bright spot in a very dark year. I love you with all my heart.

But sometimes, girl, you make me entirely bonkers! Being that you're two, you're supposed to test my patience, and your boundaries. I get that. I fully understand that, and I strive to encourage you to do so. However, on nights like tonight, when I've gone back to your room five times, because you want more juice, another hug, another story, you have to go potty, I kind of want to tear my hair out.

This year, two years old, you are giving me a run for my money. I get that the terrible twos are a thing, but every mom I've talked to has laughed when I told them that I can't wait for the terrible twos to be over. So I'm really not looking forward to three that much either.

I try to live in the moment and be grateful, and we do have wonderful times together. You can be super sweet. The other day I took you to a concert, and you demanded I dance with you to every song when we first got there... And then you screamed and cried so hard that you puked on me. It was a great day. It really was, that wasn't sarcasm. But for about a full hour, you were a terrorist.

My sweet daughter, I know you are testing your limits, and trying to stand up for yourself. I hope that you maintain that, and that you are strong and independent in whatever you decide to do... but no one tells you that raising a strong, independent girl is no easy feat. You make it so difficult, and it gets really hard to tell myself that someday I will admire you for this. Because right now, I do not. In these moments, when you're testing my patience, I want to give up. I won't. I will, however, sit as you cry in timeout, try to get you to use manners, and hopefully get you over the fit throwing stage as quickly as possible.

The mornings that you manage to wake up and politely ask me for breakfast and sit nicely are the greatest mornings. We have such wonderful days when we go to the park and play for an hour or two, and eat popsicles, and watch Disney movies. But I have a job and we can't do that every day. Also, I would lose my mind if I had to listen to the Frozen soundtrack Every. Single. Day.

But I want to reiterate to you that you motivate me to be a good person and to work hard. I wouldn't be as far as I am if it weren't for you. In fact, I really believe that I would've dropped out of college completely, and become a full-time bartender if it weren't for you. While that would've been a lot of fun, I don't think I would've gotten much further than that. I'm proud of how far I've come, and I did it for you, baby girl. It wasn't until I had you that I really started to value myself again. Having you, I proved to myself, and a couple of others who doubted me, that I could be a parent, and not like, punt you across a room when you start throwing full-blown fits. Seriously though, seeing how much I could do with you, I grew more confident in myself, and I knew I wanted to give us a better life.

I love you. I love you so much, my strong independent little two-year-old. Please, please, please don't take this as me not loving you. I just don't like you when you're trying to slap me while screaming in my face so hard that you puke on my favorite sweatshirt and part of my chin, because I told you that you can't come with me... when I'm not going anywhere.

My beautiful, strong-willed daughter, I hope you have a daughter one day, and that she is exactly like you. My father wished this upon me, and here you are. I am also very much not looking forward to your teenage years. I, at one point, thought that I would have no problem handling your teenage years, because I knew all the tricks, but let's be real; there will be so many new tricks and ways to disobey your parents by the time you're a teenager, and I want to cry just thinking about it. I hope you read this before you're sixteen, and you remember that I love you, and that I want to cry every time I try to think about how to punish you, because if I ground you I am also punishing myself. Kind of like now. When I put you in time-out, I am also in time-out. It's horrible.

I love being your mother though. I hope you stay strong-willed. I can't wait to watch you torture someone else with your lack of will to be persuaded. Please go to sleep. It's the third time you've asked me for a hug since I put you to bed, and that's not fair. It's cute and horrible at the same time. PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!!

I love you to the moon and back,

But the moon is out and the sun's going to come up soon, so go the fuck to sleep.

~Mommy