Listening

When most people think of communication, their minds go to dialogue, arguably the most prevalent form of communication, and when they think of dialogues and everyday conversation they think of the act of speaking. Yet I believe the ability to speak clearly or effectively verbalize your thought is not the most important tool in the process of communicating. I believe that listening is the key to keen communication. The simple quote “We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak,” said by greek philosopher Epictetus, has been recited to crowds or classrooms of children an immeasurable number of times, primarily with the purpose to hush them and direct their attention to a speaker. However it would benefit them if the implication that listening is more important than speaking was taught and understood. Applying effort to the act of listening, and training yourself to be observant and attentive, can greatly improve your daily communication, and hone your wit as an additional bonus.

Most can agree that communication skills are extremely useful in an event of conflict. Argumentative conversations go beyond the basic communication maneuvers used in mundane chats. Prior to my personal development of this belief I found myself conceding in the few arguments or disagreements that came my way. The uncomfortable situations caused me to seize up and shut down. I have always been an easy going individual, keeping me primarily clear of intense conflict in my social life. However disagreements amongst immediate family are unavoidable. My father is, frankly, a short tempered individual who is quick to instigate conflict when he is in a place of displeasure and who despises admitting he's wrong. Often times the target of his quarrelling is not even the provoker of his disruptive mood. These characteristics of my father are true to those who are not his daughter, but since I am in fact his daughter I was often caught in unnecessary arguments. These arguments were often more like tirades and after years of being lectured in a nonproductive way where I was not able to defend myself without worsening my situation, I formed the habit of disengaging. I have sat through countless rants and lectures, always letting something else occupy my thoughts. I stopped listening to his words to a point where I barely heard his words, but this system had a handful of flaws. The first being that I never won a single argument, secondly, it felt like for every minute I was silent, my father tacked on two additional minutes of ranting, and finally, my father began to recognize the signs of my complete lack of attention.

Because of these I was forced to actually listen, and to clarify, I wasn't tuning out my father every time he spoke to me or parented me, I only did so when he was coming from an unreasonable place. As my last year at home was coming to an end my father, unsettled by empty nest syndrome I assume, was lecturing me left and right. This is when I honed my listening skills, as his words spilled out of him I focus my attention on him entirely, I payed attention to his words and his tone and I forced myself not to concave or to spend the entire time he's speaking thinking about my own response. Rather, I paid such close attention to his accusations towards me and all the bits of evidence he always thought he had that I finally was able to identify the deeper faults in his arguments. Being an attentive listener even when listening was the last thing I wanted to do, helped me put an end to the lengthy arguments I was often trapped in. Listening made my responses stronger because I was able to reference his own words and opinions and shine light on the flaws in his argument in a respectful manner. I found the importance to listening not only to what is said, but how it is said. His body language and tone of voice told me how I should approach resolving the disputes, and with a tad of practice I was settling these arguments with well thought out propositions of fair and reasonable compromise.

I believe in listening, listening to what is said and listening to what is not. Without listening there is no capacity for communication. Communication relies on the participation of all parties, nothing can accomplished if communication is entirely one sided. I believe that listening is the best way to strengthen your communication. The next time you're at a loss for words, just listen.