Lessons in Step-Parenting

Lesson One: Meeting Your New Step-Child

So, you’ve decided to get married to someone who already has kids! Well, good for you! No sense in ruining your own body or risking premature hair loss.

Now let me guess your new spouse has just introduced you to the “other” love(s) of his life and they are so cute you could just eat them up. Well don’t! You don’t need that kind of a law suit and divorce is expensive.

Just remember they’re his kid(s), you just have to live with them.

Lesson Two: Introducing Step-Siblings

Ok, so if you’re reading this lesson it means that you’ve come into this new marriage with children of your own. Let’s say for the sake of argument that your new spouse is reading this too. The same lessons will apply to him about your little darlings too. If he wants to be a generous step-parent let him, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Just make sure he knows you expect your little darlings to get along with his little love.

Make sure you give both sets of step siblings a wide birth to get acquainted, if problems or differences occur you can always sort them out later.

Lesson Three: Making Up A Chore List For Your New Step-Child.

By now you’ve probably had time to assess your new step-child or children. Let me guess they keep a dirty room, leave dirty dishes in the sink, pester any children you may have brought into the marriage with you, insist on inviting small woodland creatures to dinner, and track dirt all over the house. Well, you had better let them know toot-sweet that if they think you or your kids (if any) are cleaning up after them they are dreaming!

Here is an example of chores to make them do to keep the house tidy of their mess:

1. Clean their bed rooms
2. Wash the dishes
3. Make them play by themselves
4. Put out the forest creatures
5. Have them do the sweeping, mopping and vacuuming (Save your own back, their young and strong)

Lesson Four: So Your Step-Child Is A Rambunctious Brat

This lesson covers what to do when you are the step-parent of a child ages 5-12.

Let me guess he, she or both get into everything and can’t sit still. Do they constantly annoy you with getting underfoot or perpetually claim they are hungry? Here is what you can do. If you have your own little child with hubby have them entertain the brat if this doesn’t work or annoys you even more try to avoid chopping off their heads with steamer trunks and making stew out of them. If you don’t have your own child to help ease your burden may we suggest tainting the well water they drink with magic potion and let them finish each other off.

Lesson Five: Nibble, Nibble, Little Mouse They Are Eating You Out Of A House

In this tough economy it can be hard for your new hubby to just feed you and himself. Then these little mice of children are pestering you for food to and it never seems to end. They’re always hungry and there is always almost no food in the house.

It's time to do the right thing by them, convince hubby that the two of you just can’t give his little darlings the life they deserve and then take them some where, where they are sure to be found and leave.

(Make sure it’s near a gingerbread cottage, that way food for them is close at hand.)

Lesson Six: Good Lord, Your Step-Parenting A Teenager!

You poor dear, the man you’ve fallen in love with and married has a teenage daughter or son!

If your step-teen is a girl she is likely up to the following (and driving you crazy):

1. Mooning around day dreaming
2. Whining that she’ll die if she doesn’t go to some dance
3. Flirting with some boy from her balcony window
4. Planning to run away with her sweetheart
5. Trying to preen in your favorite mirror in your bed room

If your step-teen is a boy you’ve probably gotten off a lot easier and his is likely up to:

1. Playing video games
2. Fantasizing about girls
3. Goofing off with his friends

Only thing to do with that girl is to put her to work and hope she gets silly ideas out of her head.

If the boy is foolish enough to get himself mixed up with some silly girl, a few well placed threats and embarrassing stories should take care of her.

Lesson Seven: What To Do If Your Spouse Dies

Condolences to you if your spouse as been taken to an untimely end.

Hopefully he has left you (and any surviving children) money to compensate for your loss.

Now the next thing to do is easy, here it is, find whatever relations your step-child has left and send them packing!

Once again, our condolences on your loss.

Lesson Eight: Single Step-Parenting and You

Let me guess you’ve called, written, hired a private detectives, and sent out messages in bottles, but you’re all that’s left for to care for your step-kids.

Well, there’s no use getting around it you’ve just become a single step-parent. Shudder

Now if you have kids of your own you already know how hard it is to deal with the death of a spouse and combat with grieving children and now on top of it you’ve to this little cuckoo in your bird’s nest.

Here is what we suggest you try not to do:

1. Hire your huntsman to kill the little brat. (You may end up wearing red hot iron slippers)
2. Lie to “Prince Charming” when he comes to your door to try a slipper on your step-daughter’s foot. (You won’t get an invite to the wedding if you do)
3. Poison well water and hope that your step-children turn into animals that eat one another. (this suggestion goes with #4)
4. Try to replace your step-daughter with your natural daughter. (You may end up burning at the stake)
5. Kill your step-daughter while she sleeps in the same bed as your daughter (You may end up killing you own girl)

We hope this has been helpful and informative.

Happy step-parenting!

The Wicked Step-Mothers Guild.