Last Stop

Three agonizing months. Four if you count the month we spent in hospice. You see, your body was alive, but your mind had moved on. Your soul.

So caring and gentle to all that you met. A true angel on Earth to all that were blessed to have you. My sweet, loving grandpa. My heart smiles and aches at the memory of you. Even in death he found a way to let others know they were special and loved.

I have spent the last three months of my life distributing the last of my grandfathers life savings to his favorite people. I smirked as I remembered his dramatic nature. He never believed in banks and kept all of his money hidden away in little safe holes in his home. Money cubbies, he called them and they were a secret from all but me. I was the only grandchild to my Grandfathers only son. My father was absent most of the time so Grandpa never missed an opportunity to spend time with me. We had a bond like no other and he had so much love to give, I didn’t even miss having a Grandma.

Two silent tears slipped down my raw cheeks. I was on the last stop in Grandpas book. He left me a beautiful matte black leather book when he passed away. It is filled with ten short stories, each describing in intimate detail the reason why my grandpa thought they deserved some of his hard saved money. He had about twenty grand saved up at the time of his passing, and he was giving away a thousand dollars to each dear friend of his. My job was to hand deliver each sum and let them read the loving heartfelt words my grandpa wrote about them.

A few people in Grandpa’s book were people he only knew briefly but knew they deserved some help.

Mr. Jenkins, grandpa’s fishing buddy, had owned a bookstore in town some many years before. He was the only black business owner in our small rural community at the time and many families in town weren’t too happy to find out he had begun teaching the children in his community how to read. His bookstore mysteriously burned to the ground one night. Even though it had been years since Mr. Jenkins had passed, Grandpa still had his granddaughter Rosemary in his book.

She had been number nine.

The rich smell of leather filled my nose as the elastic closure cleared the cleanly rounded edges of the notebook. I inhaled deeply, real Italian leather. Exquisite taste, as always. My fingers turned through the sturdy pages, skimming and scanning the beautiful penmanship scrolled within. Grandpas deep, strong voice playing from my memory as I turned to the last entry.

My heart swooned at the heading, “My dearest Robin, you have lived in my heart since Jack passed…”

My uncle Jack wasn’t my uncle at all, but he could’ve been. There was a time in their lives where the duo was inseparable. Neighbors, friends that were more like brothers. Robin and Jack had a staggering seven children together, yet growing up they never once hesitated to babysit me when Grandpa needed it, and Grandpa never hesitated to take on any of the Hastings children when they were getting out of hand. He loved them all as his own. Sadly, Jack passed away two years before Grandpa fell ill, Robin the kids and I came by daily until Grandpa finally succumbed to his cancer. He went without any treatment, just morphine to kill the pain. Tears begin to sting my eyes as I remember him in his final days. I keep reading Robin’s entry and see he is leaving her five thousand dollars. No surprise there, I always thought Grandpa had a bit of a soft spot for Robin. I blush as I shake the thought away.

I tuck the black notebook into my backpack along with the cash for Robin and hurry out the door.

I always love visiting, but today’s visit has a more somber feel. The air is heavy with grief but our faces stay pleasant and our smiles genuine. “How lovely for you to stop by Derek,” I apologize for my absence and pull the soft leather notebook from my bag and before I can say a word Robin states how much I remind her of grandpa carrying around big beautiful books. I smile as what seems like hundreds of flashbacks of him pulling books from his bag flood my memory. Parks, museums, grocery stores, if inspiration struck he was prepared. I explained to her what my grandpa had for her and let her read her letter. We cried, we laughed, we cried some more. We share a long, tight embrace in front of her beautiful red French doors.

I walk to my car that I had parked next door in front of Grandpas house, newly painted with a for sale sign out front. I stop and stare then close my eyes and imagine it as it was in my childhood. Perfect. I set my bag down next to my feet and prop myself up on my car’s fender. I reach in for my book and do the same thing I’ve been doing repeatedly for three months. The spine creaks lightly as my fingers dance through the pages. I flip through happily like a child that’s finished some imaginary quest when another Grandpa flashback comes through. Remember that time he showed you a book with a false back? I turn to the beginning cover then turn back to the back cover. Strange, the colors don’t match. I instinctively begin to gently peel the back cover. Inside I find a special message addressed to me.

A heartfelt confession.

One that resonated with me deeply.

Grandpa and Jack had been in a 30 year relationship with each other. They lived in a time where things just weren’t accepted. My grandpa, not able to live a lie drove my grandmother away and put his feelings aside for years once he fell for his new neighbor Jack. One day Jack expressed his feelings for grandpa and a secret relationship blossomed. One they both took to their graves. Grandpa’s last request was for me to live my truth. He told me he could feel me holding back and never had the courage to tell me it was okay to be me, something my soul had been longing to hear.

My partner and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary together, two years after finding the hidden letter in Grandpa’s black book. I’ll never know what moment gave mine and Jim’s relationship away, or at what moment Grandpa decided he needed to say something, but I will forever be grateful for the moment he freed me. Oh, and the five grand Grandpa had stashed for me? Really came in handy for the wedding!