KIDS!!!

This is my first comedy skit, based off of my own experiences with children. They can be such rascals, can't they? If you want to check out my other work, you can find them on my profile here: Racheal Mustchin

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Susie let out a contented sigh as she stood up, having just put some bread on to cook in the oven. Rubbing a crick in her neck, she smiled as she looked around the kitchen, which was clean, clean, clean. Will’s going to be pleased when he gets home, Susie complimented herself. She had gone over the whole house that morning so that it was perfect for when her husband came home from the army later that day. He personally did not care whether the house was tidy or not, but she did, so he let her do her thing about it. And he better appreciate her efforts considering that they had not seen each other in ages and...damn, she missed him!

But, at least everything was set now – the house was tidy, the turkey roast had been put on two hours ago, and the bread was on, even the children were behaving.

Nothing can go wrong.

CRASH!!

The noise had come from the verandah where the 12-month-old Rosie and the two-year-old Tom had been quietly playing just a few minutes ago!

Oh, great!

She rushed out the back door and into the verandah, and looked around frantically. Where are they? Are they hurt? Susie could not find them. The storage bins were in place, the toys were lying around here and there.

A squeal pierced the air.

It came from the behind the stack of paint cans.

Some of which were lying around on the floor and open, paint strewn everywhere.

“OH NO!”

Hearing Susie’s outburst, baby Rosie’s face peeked around the paint cans. Rosie had spots of green, streaks of yellow and one big pink spot on her nose. Rosie smiled at the sight of her mother and giggled, sucking her thumbs.

Susie ran over and found Tom rolling around in a puddle of mixed colours, and laughing his head off. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!” Susie closed her eyes and face-palmed. Oh why, oh why does this have to happen on the day Will comes home? Why, why, why?! Everything was so perfect. Then Susie remembered that the children were wearing their best clothes which she had bought just this morning.

Something nuzzled into her legs. She opened her eyes, lowered her eyes, and found Rosie rubbing her face in Susie’s trousers, her chubby little arms wrapped around Susie’s legs. Susie suppressed a smile. How cute…

Rosie looked up at her with her heart-melting smile, and giggled. Susie’s eyes went wide. “Rosie!” she scolded. By rubbing her face in Susie’s trousers, Rosie had smeared paint on her mother’s white trousers which she had bought just two days ago for Will’s homecoming.

Oh, how her heart melted.

In despair.

Susie sighed and put her hands on her hips and gave Rosie and Tom her sternest look, but they just laughed and began playing in the paint again. This is gonna’ take a while.

She happened to glance down at her watch and gasped.

Will was due home in an hour.

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Susie quickly picked up Rosie, took hold of Tom’s dirty hand and quickly led them inside the house. She entered the bathroom…and then paused. She let go of Tom’s hand and – still carrying Rosie – stuck her head out of the bathroom and looked at the lounge floor. On the carpet, there were little yellow, green, and pink blobs of paint that were shaped like a foot. And they went all the way into the bathroom.

They’re too small to be me. And it certainly isn’t Rosie. Then it must be… “Tom,” she said, trying to stay calm. “Lift up your feet one at a time.”

Tom looked confused but lifted his left foot. Then his right. Susie let out a loud groan. Tom had paint all over the soles of his feet. “Don’t worry, Mummy,” Tom said, giving her the cutest smile. “We’re just helping you paint the house like you and Daddy were planning to do.”

Meanwhile at the airport...

Will could not help grinning as he exited the plane. He was back home! He could not wait to get back to Susie and the children. His mouth watered at the thought of all the food Susie would have prepared for his arrival, though he knew that it did not come without a sacrifice of her sanity on her part due to those kids. And he couldn't wait to take the kids off of her hands, she deserved a break. He quickly went through customs and ran outside and hailed a taxi. He climbed in and and gave the driver his address. As they left the airport, Will wondered how his wife would react to him arriving home earlier than she expected?

Considering that she tended to overthink just a little bit, he wasn't too confident that she would be 100% happy with the surprise, but he figured that the sooner he got home, the sooner she could have her break from the kids.

She’s gonna’ love that.

A few minutes later…

Susie took Rosie out of the bath and wrapped a towel around her. She dried the child while keeping an eye on Tom, who had just hopped in the bath for his turn. Thankfully, the paint on both of the children had not hardened yet so when they went into the bath, it washed off quite easily. She exited the bathroom and went into the bedroom to get Rosie’s clothes, praying that Tom would be alright for two minutes. Rosie wanted to get down, so Susie put her on the floor so could fetch the clothes more easily. Finding a really good outfit with a beanie and shoes to match, Susie pulled them out and then bent down to pick up Rosie.

Except Rosie wasn’t there.

Straightening up, Susie began to search. “Rosie? Where are you?” she called out. Struck by a sudden thought, she ran for the kitchen. “You better not be sitting in the flour bin again,” she muttered. She entered and saw – to her relief – that Rosie wasn’t there. But her worry and frustration came back. Where is she? Will’s gonna’ be home soon. How am I going to get this house all cleaned up in time?

Hearing squeals and splashes from the bathroom, she ran into the bathroom and saw that Rosie had climbed into the bath again and that Tom was trying to hold her up. How does she move so quickly? Susie came over and took over holding her. Tom splashed his mother’s face. Susie shook her head. “Kids,” she muttered with a smile.

Then the front door opened.

“Hello? I’m home!”

Will! He must have decided to come home early. She was overjoyed – then remembered that she hadn’t been able to clean the house up and hadn’t been able to check on the food.

The food! Oh, I hope it hasn’t gotten burnt.

Susie heard Will opening the oven door and then shutting it, so she figured that the food still had to cook some more. “Anybody home?”

“Daddy!” Tom yelled. Will then came into the bathroom and looked at them all. Susie couldn’t look at him. She knew he didn't care about the house, but she did! And it wasn't tidy anymore!

“Who wants to play with paint bombs?” Will said. Yes! Take them off my hands! She looked at him and he smiled at her with a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

“Yay!” Tom yelled with Rosie trying to copy him. Tom climbed out and Susie stood up, holding Rosie. Tom ran out of the bathroom and went to try and find his clothes. Chuckling, Will took Rosie from Susie and gave his daughter a big hug and kiss.

“It’s good to see you, sweetie,” he told her. He looked at Susie and drew her into a tight embrace while peppering her face with kisses. Susie chuckled as she leaned into him. He was going to tease her about her freaking out over the house at some point, but she didn't mind.

“Where did the paint bombs come from?” Susie asked.

“Oh, I bought them before I had left. I kept it a secret so we could use them when I got back,” he explained.

Susie laughed. They could now relax and have fun. Wrapping an arm around each other, they walked out into the lounge.

CRASH!!!

Susie face-palmed. “Not again…”