Just Stop, Connect and Spend 10 Minutes With Your Child.

“Loving moments of connection that involve eye contact, touch, and presence in a playful situation are essential at all ages.” (Margot Sunderland, 2006)

I know that kids can be exhausting. Trust me I have some and I work with them. When I was younger I loved working with preschool children. I had the patience of a saint. I loved how excited they got when they saw me. They loved hugs and loved hearing stories and I loved sharing with them. It touched a really deep part of me. I taught and went back to school for a degree in education. I wanted to mold little minds and felt like it was my true calling.

Many years have passed and I still work with children in a different capacity and my own are in adult and teenhood. I love them all, but the patience I used to have is diminishing.

I remember when my oldest son was smaller and I was a new young mom how hard it was for me to stop. This was before smartphones or Facebook, so it wasn’t that I was distracted by social media. It was just that I was young and had this whole life ahead of me. I was newly sober and married and sometimes it was a challenge to just be changing the diapers, feeding, cleaning up, and repeat. Don’t get me wrong I value and cherish that time I had with my son, but it was hard in many ways. It was hard for me to stop and slow down and appreciate that little being in front of me. We joined groups with other moms and babies and that was my saving grace. Those outings saved me.

As he got a little older we still had groups and playdates, but there were times when I had the TV on all day just to catch a break. I would obsessively clean to find some peace and solace. I felt lonely and needed more adult interaction. I had tremendous guilt about leaving my son with anyone and didn’t really know much about self-care at the time. I was burned out and needed a reprieve. I was sober and didn’t go out with the ladies. All of my old friends still drank and my family as well. My husband worked and had his own things outside of work, but my son was my everything. I did learn to go to therapy when he was around 2 and that saved me. I learned how to set boundaries and say no to others. I learned that I wasn’t the shame I had been carrying around or the piece of shit I had been told I was as a child. I learned how to see my part and apologize when I was wrong instead of running away, punching walls, throwing things, and having fits.

I had some growing and maturing to do for sure and eventually, I learned I could grow up as my son did. I didn’t live vicariously through him, but I got to enjoy some things through his eyes and that made my own inner child come alive.

I loved taking him to the farm to pet animals and ride ponies. I loved taking him to Children’s Museums and music classes. I loved to see him excited and joyful. I loved to see him on Christmas morning and on his birthday so excited that it emanated from his little face.

My next child was born 10 years later in a new marriage. I had done this before and was an expert. I had learned a lot over the last decade and my boundary game was strong, but I still struggled to center and focus on my child.

I learned that it is better to just give your children 10 minutes of your undivided attention than a whole day of being half present. They want our face on theirs. They want our ears listening and our focused attention. They don’t just want it, they need it.

There is something called “Joy Juice” that Becky Bailey talks about in Conscious Discipline. Positive attention and being truly seen give us literal "joy juice." Oxytocin in our brains. Our caregiver’s reassurance and love help us to feel seen, heard, loved, and most of all safe.

“Joy Juice is a combination of positive brain chemicals that create joyful feelings literally wiring the brain for impulse control and willingness.” Joy juice is made of oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins.” Becky Bailey

Now that my kids are older, does it mean that I am off the hook? It seems they no longer need me and are fine on their own, right?

I think they still need us, maybe more even.

I have a complete tweener right now. He is into scooters, shoes, basketball and hip-hop. He has a phone and hangs with his friends. It would be easy to just assume he doesn’t need me (except to get groceries, make food, and drive him places.) But luckily I know that as much as he may roll his eyes at me and think I am uncool sometimes (and ask me to stop emailing his teachers, oops) he still needs me.

To be honest it’s still hard for me to want to stop what I am doing (usually writing) and focus my attention on him. Tell him to put his tablet down and to look at me while we talk. We may read from a book or take a walk together and I remember how many thoughts and ideas he has rolling around in his brain. I stop mesmerized by this human and that he came from me. He is no longer a little toddler and has opinions of his own. He can’t stop talking.

I also have a lot of thoughts and ideas, but I have to deliberately focus on him. It’s his time to share and talk. I remind myself that I can be present and listen. I can look at him and stay focused. I don’t have to pull out my phone. I can stay present. This time together is valuable.

I must sound like a selfish pie hole. But giving someone my undivided attention is really challenging.

When we have a day home together I am focused on all of the things I must do. Groceries, gas, chores, work. It can be hard to stop and see this time is a flash right before my eyes. This is not another guilt trip saying to appreciate it before it’s gone, because I hate those, but just a kind reminder to myself as well to stop for a short time and look at my child, truly see him. Take a picture if he will let me.

As I am writing this, he keeps saying he is hungry. So I get up and make him food and then 10 minutes later or less he is saying he is hungry again. And I start thinking about how it’s my day off too and I shouldn’t have to be a slave, feeding a teenager all day, and how he should be able to get up and make his own G.D. food.

And then I had to laugh because this parenting thing is hard. The more food I make the more dishes there are to do and I could get lost in it. I could keep myself so busy in my parenting role that I never look up to find time for myself.

Today there are conferences (that I skipped because as I already noted I email his teachers enough and they are virtual which I hate), then basketball practice and grocery shopping for groceries because as soon as I fill the fridge it empties again.

(Also, I don’t want to sound like I am coming from a place of privilege because for years I had times when I could not fill my fridge and I am not that far out of the woods so I get that too.)

This is one child at home and I bow down to the mothers with multiple. I don’t know how you do it. I can hardly keep it all straight. The emails alone throw me over the edge but add in school supplies and dates to remember and spirit days, and I could go insane.

We as mommas have to set time aside for us. We must or it will kill us. The repetitiveness of a job that rarely receives any thanks and that seems like it will last forever, but also feeling the pressure of it slipping through our fingers is real.

The thanks are in watching our children grow up to hopefully have learned to respect others and make their own damn food.

I just want other mothers to know this is no joke. Parenting is the real deal. It's okay if it feels hard. It is hard.