“Is it Okay?”

A mere apology from this world will never be enough for what it has done to you.

You went through an immense amount of pain of which only a pinch of was known of.

You might have had what they call the essentials in life, but your mother leaving your side made the greatest impact in your life.

You loved your father and you were taken good care of by your nannies as a child.

You lived and laughed and loved when you met my father.

Both from completely different worlds, you fell in love and by the shore he asked you to marry him. Beautiful in that white dress with your arm locked together with your dear father, your new life was about to take place.

First child, what a rebel, second child always by your side, and then for last, a baby whom you suddenly left in the arms of its father.

The scars your mother left you by leaving only seems like a repeated story.

You did the same eventually coming back, but this did leave a scar on both your children and the baby who never knew.

You lived and laughed, but love was something different for you. Maybe were you missing a piece of your heart?

Pain was always present for you even though you were good enough to hide it.

Pills here, pills there, medication for every single thing. Was that why you were good enough to hide it?

First child, what a rebel, part of your heart left you as your child was always mad. You would think this was a phase, but after 30 long years it is still the same way.

Second child always by your side, you did abuse her trust and encaged her in what she thought was life.

The last baby, who you loved dearly, but not enough to stay. She grew knowing you loved her because by force she was a prodigy. But by the time she became a teen, the resembling pain was reflected on both of you.

You were always mad, but always kind to the rest, this made them always wonder who you really were.

Pills here, pills there, medication for even more things now. They thought that there was nothing to hide.

But one day, you got a call, Leukemia was on the other side of the line.

One year, passing by, hair loss and temper out of control, was this about you giving up? You had always been so strong, the strongest of them all, and without even realizing it, did you really give up?

All these questions, with no answer, was the anger a secret whisper of help?

Were you trying to let everyone know, but afraid to disappoint?

In everyone’s eyes you were so strong, was weakness really there, or were you just scared of the unknown?

How did you manage all this pain they never knew they gave you?

The baby who never knew will never forget, hearing her father tell the stories of her mother. So never will I forget my father always saying how the world had always been cruel to my mother. It never made sense at first, but with 5 years passed by I now see the bruises.

I went to see you every single day and our relationship was as pure as the Norwegian air.

I would skip school to come and visit you and your face would lit up like a fireplace, was this you realizing this was your last goodbyes? Were you giving away your last strands of love to me?

Our relationship bloomed and when summer came you confessed to me that you were too tired to hold on.

I cried my eyes out I could see the pain you were holding on to, was this you asking for permission?

Barely 18, our souls intertwined, I knew the pain you were feeling. All those long nights, hearing your own heartbeat, the pain of your children and of your losses continuously repeating themselves, screaming at you.

We always tried to make you happy, but we did understand that the pain was too much to handle.

And then you asked me if it was okay.

And never will this guilt leave my body, the sorrow will continue to haunt me till the end of my days. Was this my fault? For letting you go away.

I hugged you, I cried silently not knowing but at the same time understanding. I told you: “Do not worry mama, we can take care of ourselves from now on. You’ve done so much for us, even the impossible and I will always be grateful. So, it is okay mama, let go, I do not want you to feel pain anymore”.

Not long after, she faded away and hopefully all her pain was now only to exist in our hearts.