I'm Sorry Grandma

You always think you will have more time. It is a constant issue human's have. Procrastination. We know we shouldn't procrastinate family but sometimes we cannot help it. Life gets in the way. You get married, have kids and before long you are consumed and the days blur into each other. This is an open letter to my now deceased grandma for the guilt I carry.

Dear Grandma,

I'm sorry I didn't visit you when you were sick. I'm sorry I didn't make the time to visit when you were in the hospital. You were always the strong-holder of the Spann family and I imagine raising 3 boys was challenging. As they grew up, you and grandad still maintained your active Country Music presence with the family band. You were the singer and always looked beautiful front and centre, with my dad as the drummer, grandad on the accordion and the oldest of your son's (RIP Uncle Kerry) was on guitar.

Much of my beloved memories while I was a young girl, was attending the concerts in town halls, music festivals and local shows and seeing all of you up on stage. I knew all the words to the songs, much more than a late 80's kid should, but I didn't care and I still don't.

As the middle of the only 3 x grandchildren on this side, most of my fondest memories were visiting your house at Christmas time, getting stuffed from food and then going for a swim next door. As I am writing this, I am visualizing how this has all changed, especially as we near Christmas time 2021. Last year was a strange christmas as your son Kerry passed away in June 2020, and this year without you, I am sure you will be remembered regardless.

I know I kick myself for not visiting you in the lead up to you leaving Earth. This is why I put aside my fears and made sure I saw you one last time at the viewing before they cremated you. It was an emotional day. Sophie and I walked arm and arm with Uncle John and Aunty Lyn and tears rolled as we saw you lying in the casket, beautifully made up. I couldn't help but tell you I was sorry for leaving it that long. Too busy working, too busy being a mum of my own. I know it's excuses and I know you know we all loved you.

Mum would always print out pictures of the 5 x great-grand kids for you and from what she relayed, your dining table was covered in family photos. I am glad Darcy got to meet her Great Nanny and so did the youngest of your great grandkids who turns one in a few days.

You had lived a great life up until you passed at the ripe age of 86, you would definitely not have had any regrets. You had a loving family, your own home, surrounded by grandkids and great grandkids. We will always love you Grandma and you will always be in our hearts forever until the end of time. I hope you are happy in heaven with Grandad and Kerry working on your love of country music.

Love You Grandma,

Love Ash.

Note to Readers: Treasure the time you have with your family and friends. Don't live with regrets of 'I should've done this or said that' there will come a time when you lose that chance. I may always have that part of regret in my heart, it is just something I will have to live with.