How To Survive A Toddler Tantrum

Having a kid is no joke, no matter what stage of life they (or you) are in. Sometimes you're thriving, sometimes you're surviving. And always you feel like there's something you should be doing better.

I came into motherhood totally unprepared. I remember sitting in one of my pre-natal checkups, perched uncomfortably at the edge of the exam table, trying to wrangle my mind into a manageable state capable of receiving new information.

"Do you have any questions?" my midwife asked sweetly.

I don't know, is there anything I should know?

I shook my head and left, no wiser than when I showed up.

Motherhood has been full of surprises (not all of them good) and revelations about myself (wow, I am really selfish!) that I hadn't considered before.

Each season brings its own joys and challenges, its own highs and lows. Currently I live in a season with a curious, strong-minded, OCD-leaning, and highly-sensitive 3-year-old. One of the challenges is navigating the big emotions that crop up when things don't go according to plan-- well, according to his plan.

Let's take a peek into one such situation: My toddler 'C' and I nanny for a family in our area. We watch one child in their home, 'B' and he's a year younger than my son. It's provided lots of teaching opportunities that C would have missed out on being an only child.

Unfortunately, a lot of those teaching opportunities pass me right on by when I'm too busy trying not to throw a tantrum myself.

Let's look at the scenario, evaluate my expectations vs the reality, and then recap how to survive similar situations in the future.

Ready? Let's go!

Scenario

C is playing with some "Little People" toys and a large jungle treehouse. B comes over to see what he's doing and to engage in play with him.

C: No, don't play with this!

Me: He wants to come play with you. Can you find some animals that he can play with in the jungle?

C: No, I don't want him to play with this!

Expectations

Validate concerns and restate a previously established boundary:

"B won't take away the toys that you are holding, but the jungle is something that you can both play with at the same time. We can find a way to play together!"

Offer some control of the situation within the boundaries:

"Which animals do you think B would like to play with? Let's pick some out to offer him."

If there continues to be a problem, offer choices:

"If you're not ready to play with somebody else, why don't you choose to play something else that's not a community item? You can do something up at the table where you won't be disturbed. What sounds like something fun to do by yourself at the table?"

If that doesn't work, take a moment to regulate the emotions together:

"I can see that you're frustrated about the situation. Why don't we sit together for a minute to calm our bodies? I know, let's blow some pretend bubbles!"

Once the emotions are regulated, revisit the choices together:

"How do you feel? Your body seems much calmer. Are you ready to choose what you would like to do now? You can find a way to play with B and the jungle, or you can find something fun to do by yourself at the table, like legos or coloring."

By this point, C has calmed down and is able to make a decision that he feels good about.

Whew, that took a lot of time to walk him through the situation, but now C is happy to have control over his body, and control (within boundaries) of the situation. Great job, momma!

Unfortunately, it doesn't always go that way. Let's take a look at a more accurate retelling...

Reality

C: No, I don't want him to play with this!

Me: B won't take away the toys that you are holding, but the jungle is something that you can both play with at the same time. We can find a way to play together!

C: No, I don't want him to play with it!

Me: I know you don't want that, but B wants to come play with you. We need to find a way to play together with our friends.

C: (starting to get physically involved, standing between B and the jungle, blocking him and nearly knocking him over) No!

Me: C, come talk to me. Let's talk.

C: (resisting me) No!

Me: (picking him up and putting him in my lap) The jungle is something that we need to share. You can choose what animals you want to hold and B can choose what toys he wants to hold, but the jungle is for both of you.

C: I just don't want him to play with it, it's mine!

Me: It's not yours, B has every right to play with it, too. If you're not ready to play together, you can do something else.

C: It's mine!

Me: No, it's not!

C: (struggling to get off my lap because B has begun playing with the available toys) No, that's mine!

Me: You're not listening to me. You need to sit over there on the couch until you're ready to listen.

C: (kicking and screaming)

Me: (placing him on the couch and trying not to yell at him) You're in a time out because you didn't listen to me.

C: NO TIMEOUT!

Me: (hands shaking in frustration) Yes, timeout. I will set a timer. If you scream or get down before the timer rings, I will add a minute to the timer and you will have a longer timeout.

C: *screams*

B: *starts crying*

Me: *starts crying*

Whew. That was not fun. It did not turn out anything like how I wanted. I struggled to remain calm, I entered into a power struggle by arguing with an unreasonable, emotional child, and C did not accept help regulating his emotions or taking control of the situation with the boundaries I gave him.

Repeat the above scenario 5 times a day, and you have a very tired momma and a very sad toddler.

My biggest challenge in surviving a toddler tantrum is controlling my own emotions and not letting my child's words or actions dictate how I feel or respond. It's hella hard. Some days I'm better than others. Some days C is better than others. We're both human; it happens. Inevitably the day will end and we get another chance tomorrow.

Here's some things I've learned about surviving a tantrum, whether it goes according to the expectation above or not:

5 Tips for Surviving the Tantrum

1. Have clear, previously established boundaries

This is essential. Trying to establish new boundaries in the midst of an emotional meltdown is not going to do anyone any favors. By preparing these boundaries ahead of time, it gives you a roadmap to follow instead of just reacting to the emotions and behaviors in the moment.

2. Have clear, previously established consequences

This goes hand-in-hand with the above tip: If you have a plan for boundaries, you also need to have a plan for what happens when your child breaks those boundaries. It's important also to communicate the consequences with your child ahead of time, so they know exactly what to expect if they choose not to act within the established boundaries. Consistency is comforting. Not knowing what to expect is unnerving, at best.

The best consequences:

• match the boundaries ("If you make a mess, you will clean it up")
• are explained and make sense (so your child knows exactly what to expect)
• are consistent
• are given calmly and not reactively

Consequences aren't always "punishment" sometimes it's just cause and effect. "When we're all done playing, we need to put our toys away so they don't get stepped on and broken or lost. Let's put them away fast so that we have more time for your bath!"

3. Respect your child's choices

Once you have established your boundaries and have consistent, reasonable consequences for acting outside the boundaries, the ball is in your child's court. Giving autonomy to children often helps give them a sense of control when they feel like their emotions are out of control. Respecting their choices by matter-of-factly sticking to your boundary and consequence roadmap shows that you respect them as an individual and that they take responsibility for their own choices.

4. Choose connection over correction

This one is probably the most controversial. A lot of people (including myself) tend toward "behavior" parenting. This looks like threatening, manipulating, and controlling behavior rather than walking alongside your child through the difficult behaviors.

Let me tell you: a child in the midst of an emotional meltdown is not in the right headspace to receive correction effectively. The most effective teaching moments I've experienced are when I've chosen to enter into relationship with my child through the difficult emotions and ugly behaviors while maintaining healthy boundaries that I've set. "If you're not able to play gently with your toys, we will take a break from playing. I know that it's frustrating when things don't go the way you want. I love you, and I'm here to help you. Would you like a hug?"

Once the overwhelming emotions have passed, sometimes it can be helpful to revisit and analyze (without judgment) the situation together and brainstorm helpful ideas for how to move forward, together. Observe what you saw, talk about and validate the feelings, and reinforce boundaries after the emotions have passed. I guarantee that will be much more effective.

5. Give grace

Give grace to your child; they're human, they're allowed to have bad days and big feelings too. They are learning and absorbing a lot and don't know the best way to deal with it in a healthy way by themselves.

Give grace to yourself; you're human, you're still learning as well, and parenting is hella hard. You will not handle every situation well, but you can give yourself grace and make an effort to learn from it and make small changes moving forward.

You've got this!

Which tip are you going to try this week? Let me know in the comments!