How To Predict If Your Child Will Be Successful In Life

On Jamie’s 18th birthday

I sat him down in front of the television and played him a video of his three-year-old self. He burst out laughing so hard — tears rolled down his cheeks.

In the classic experiment from the 1970s, psychologist Walter Mischel placed a small treat in front of young children. He offered them a choice; they could either enjoy the treat immediately or wait a brief period and earn two sweet treats instead.

When the Mischel left the room, many children couldn’t wait; they ate the treat (often a cookie or marshmallow). But a portion of these guinea pig kids could delay the urge to enjoy the treat and wait, the reward for their patience — more delicious goodies.

Mischel concluded, from his observations of their later lives, the children able to delay gratification displayed several advantages over the children who could not wait. They performed better academically and had fewer behavioural problems than the kids who ate the treat right away.

If only it were true.

His findings have since largely been debunked for not taking into consideration socio-economic factors. Does it make sense for a child growing up in poverty to delay their gratification when they’re so used to instability in their lives? Are some children just less interested in candy and treats than others?

“The idea that your child is doomed if she chooses not to wait for her marshmallows is really a serious misinterpretation.” — David Brooks

The notion that young children will be successful because they have self-control seems more and more like a fallacy. People who tend to be good at self-control are also individuals who live in conditions with fewer temptations. Willpower is not finite.

Recent, more comprehensive testing has shown we know less than the scholarly literature has let on regarding the advantages of caution and delaying gratitude. A child choosing instant gratification will not damn him or her to a life of mediocrity — they might just like treats.

Interventions to improve willpower or a growth mindset have tiny positive correlations over time —even intensive programs show a strong fadeout; the effects disappear over a few years. Teaching a child ‘grit’ paradoxically requires perseverance.

The ‘Marshmallow Test’

Recording it all on video, I sat Jamie down at the kitchen table and placed two plates in front of him; one plate had five chocolates, the other just the one.

I told him he could have the one chocolate now, but if he could wait for the sand in our five-minute egg-timer to fall — I showed him how it worked— then he could have the plate with the five chocolates.

I then left the room.

His facial expressions were hilarious. He was all giggles, to begin with — then angst, as he stared at the egg-timer. His gaze alternated from the plate with one chocolate to the plate with five chocolates — expectant glee. And then more angst as he folded his arms on the table and stared at the egg-timer once more.

He employed diversion tactics: looking away, eyeing the camera, checking the chocolates, looking at the door, checking the chocolates, studying the clock on the wall, checking the chocolates…

The sand dribbled slowly.

I could almost feel him willing the sand to fall faster.

Eighteen-year-old Jamie was in kinks at his three-year-old self. He couldn’t remember doing it, and it brought him to tears of joy. It was brilliant.

I recommend all parents do this — for the fun of it alone.

Then the sand was gone.

Smiling like a lemon shark, Jamie got off his chair and couldn’t wait to tell us the sand had finished, he’d survived. We returned and praised him for not eating the chocolates. His face was a picture of delight. He grabbed the bowl with five chocolates.

Then, an afterthought — he took the single chocolate too.

“Yes!” he said, “Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!”

Delayed Gratification in Children

Is not the predictor of success in life that Walter Mischel propose d. There are too many other factors to consider. Correlation does not imply causation, except when it comes to parenting.

I took an interest in Jamie. I videoed him doing the Marshmallow Test. I persevered with that interest. I showed grit and determination to be a part of his life — all his life. I spent 15 years in delayed gratification. I waited 15 years to see him laugh at his three-year-old self.

It’s the parents who need willpower. It’s the mums and dads who take the time to get involved with their children, who read to them, who play with them, nurture and comfort them — those children grow to be all they can be.

Summary

Take every opportunity to love your child for who they are, no matter what they do. Record their successes. Surprise them with your determination to be a part of their life, and it might surprise you how they turn out.

I know Jamie has done all of that for me; I couldn’t be prouder of him.