How to Deal with Indifferent Grandparents

When you gave birth to your first child you thought your own parents would be thrilled, and eager to spend time with their precious grandbaby.

Turns out, that couldn’t be further from the truth. They seem almost apathetic..It’s as if spending time with your child is a burden on them, rather than a joy.

What to Do about Absent Grandparents

In this Psychology Today article, Dr. Suzanne Degges-White says sometimes grandparents are unable to connect with their adult child’s spouse, which strains the relationship with grandchildren:

“In many families, access to grandchildren is closely tied to the relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law. Even if the connection doesn’t come naturally, small efforts matter:

1.Show appreciation

2. Avoid criticism

3. Stay out of couple conflicts

Feeling respected makes people more open, not less, to connection.”

Dr. White’s assessment is eye-opening. I never thought of the fact that grandparents could basically fade into the background simply because tney don’t see eye-to-eye with their son or daughter-in-law.

And I suppose, simply avoiding conflict is easier than working through it in order to spend more time with those precious grandbabies.

Should It be up to the adult child to mend fences between their spouse and his/her parents?

I say yes, and so does this Reddit community. The OP lamented that the relationship is strained with her in-laws which affects their children. Spending every weekend with her husband’s parents is becoming intolerable. Almost every commenter suggested she set boundaries immediately in order too preserve the relationship for her kids:

“Your husband is enmeshed. Your in laws are entitled. There is no reason to spend every single weekend with his parents. The crappy part here is - he’s not really dependent on himself being a dad if you two ever separate. His parents will be the dad.

Draw boundaries. Tell your husband to get some therapy.

You can read the book boundaries. Your life is like Pie. You can’t just donate all your free time to his parents. That’s insane.”

I remember when my son was little, I was afraid to ask my in-laws to watch him because I felt like I might be over-stepping. They had seven other grandkids, and I didn’t want them to feel overwhelmed.

That limited my son’s time with his grandparents to only planned events which also involved his cousins. As a result he didn’t get a lot of one-on-one time with them.

Ultimately my husband devised a solution which really worked well.

He and our son took my father-in-law out for lunch every year on his birthday. And I really believe that provided a wonderful bonding opportunity for all three of them.

My son who is an adult now says those are some of his fondest memories. These days, my son and my husband have a standing lunch date every Saturday which is nice for them and me! I get those two out of the house so I can clean or do something fun for myself.

Set Up Traditions for Your Parent and Your Kids

That way, you aren’t asking your parents or in-laws for a favor. You aren’t dumping your kids on them when you are in need of a babysitter. Instead, you are scheduling time so that you can all create memories together.

That could be a lunch date once a month, or a movie night at your house or even a pot-luck dinner. But whatever you do, don’t turn this event into an entire family affair. Allow it to be a bonding experience between your kids and their grandparents, or you, your kids and your parents or in-laws.

It doesn’t need to involve cousins, aunts, uncles, second cousins, etc. Save those gatheriings for the holidays.