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How To Be A Bad Mom

The Truth About Parenting

By Teshelle CombsPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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How To Be A Bad Mom
Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

I’m not a very good mom. In fact, most of my friends are better at “momming” than I am. Society defines the concept in ways I don’t match up to. I don’t wear makeup or dresses. I don’t do my hair or nails. I don’t keep an immaculate house. I don’t like shopping or decorating. I’m not a fan of major holidays nor the cheer that comes with them. Play dates are the worst. Sometimes, I don’t even like my kids. But mostly, I don’t like being a “mom.”

I guess I should say I don’t like the way being a mom makes me feel. I thought it would be different, that’s for sure. I thought I would become someone else once the boys were born. That I would light up when I got to share what they were learning with other moms. I thought I would look forward to trips to the park and making snacks all day and the way they need me all the time. And good god, do they need me all the time. I thought I would sniff their baby clothes when they outgrew them and want to hold onto their onesies forever. I thought bedtime stories would be whimsical and our crafting messes would have a certain charm.

But I don’t like it. I don’t fit.

That’s when I realized I was doing it wrong. The problem I was creating was tied directly to my expectation of motherhood. There was this “way” I was supposed to be. This person I had to become to be a “good mom.” And I was supposed to enjoy that journey, document the whole thing with perfect Instagram pics, but in reality I never wanted to arrive at that destination. That person--the crafty baker with perfect skin who giggles with her little ones in Rice Krispies commercials--was nothing like me. And I wanted to be me more than I wanted to be her.

So I made a choice. Or really, I am making it now as I write this. I’m going to be a “bad mom.” The worst mom. And I’m going to be an amazing person instead. So here is what I’ve learned that helped me make my decision and here’s how that’s going to look. Maybe it’ll help you, too.

How To Be A Bad Mom (And A Good Person)

1. Figure yourself out.

You can’t be a good person if you have no idea who that person is. Maybe you love glitter and crafts--painting pumpkins on Halloween or scrapbooking on the weekends. Or maybe you like wakeboarding or extreme hiking. Maybe you like music or movies, art galleries or hardcore gardening. Like what you like and pursue it well. If you’re a hologram-mom, ignoring your youness, you aren’t really going to be anyone at all.

2. Take them with you.

When you figure yourself out, it’d be best to take the little stinkers with you wherever you’re going in life. Let them in on it. Make them party, partners in the modern-day crime of dream-hunting. Does that mean they don’t get everything they want? Does that mean they won’t be able to join every sports team or see every movie or make every play date? Probably. And yeah, you’ll be “the worst.” Instead, they may spend a little more time bored to death as you work on that screenplay or build that theater set or learn to drive a manual car. But if they aren’t with you, they can’t witness you becoming yourself. And the you that you’re becoming? Priceless.

3. Show them your world view.

Don’t just teach them how to make their own meals. Teach them why. Don’t just take them to basketball practice. Explain to them what values sports should be teaching them. Base these lessons on your life experiences. To do this, you’ll have to spend time contemplating your own world view. That means cultivating experiences of intentionality as you walk through daily life. Don’t just drive to work. Think about it. How are you driving to work? Why? How do you feel when you do it? Why do you feel that way? You can’t teach your kids about work if you don’t understand the ways you do or don’t value it. The same goes for relationships, hobbies, diversions. The same goes for life.

4. Rest.

Striving to be the best mom without resting teaches your kids that it's more important to be a parent than to be a person. It sets up impossible goals and gives your kids an early example of exploitation. Basically, they learn that they should over-exert themselves if they want to be valued. Would it make you a good mom to exploit yourselves by eliminating rest from your parenting so your kids have every single thing they desire? Maybe. But it won’t make you a better person.

When it’s said and done, it’s said and done. I definitely don’t know how to be the best mom, or even a good mom. But believe it or not, I wasn’t put on this earth to be a mom to my boys. Momhood is an assignment I humbly accept, but it is not who I am. But my priority is not to teach my son how to be a parent. I must teach him how to be a person. And to accomplish that, I will, in the eyes of the societal construct in which we live, be less of a mom. And that failing grade, I will accept. Because I am becoming myself right in front of their little eyes. I will do it for them. But first, I will do it for me.

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About the Creator

Teshelle Combs

Author. Painter. Singer. From childhood days spent in the Virgin Islands to the life she now leads with her husband and two boys in Florida, Teshelle has chosen to put her heart and skill into creating a future that outshines the past.

Reader insights

Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

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