How My Toxic Relationship Impacted My Children

Living eight years being verbally, emotionally, and physically abused poisoned not only my life, but also the lives of my children. I’m ashamed to admit this toxic relationship was harmful to my children’s mental health causing issues such as, anxiety and depression. It’s been fours years since the toxicity has ended, and we’re still living with the ramifications of this toxic relationship.

The first memories my oldest two children have of my socio-narcissist ex are of us fighting loudly and me constantly crying. Sure there were good times, he did father/daughter dances and we went Chuckie Cheese, but the bad far outweighed the good. My oldest when she was a Kindergartner was sent home consistently for vomiting at school. I took her to the doctor, and we find out it was stress causing her to become physically ill. She was only five years old, but the tension/fighting from home was causing her to be a constantly ailing child. No child should become physically ill because of whats going on at home, and I’m ashamed to admit that I allowed this toxicity to not only continue, but it got worse. When my older two children were five and six years old my ex put a box cutter to my throat, and told them he was going to kill their mother that day while they were at school. Another day in the van on their way to school he told them in detail how he was going to torture me, they were terrified they’d be coming home to a dead mom. I tried to reassure them and I left him on multiple occasions, but I stupidly went back.

Then he went to jail for drug possession, and his mother put a trailer on their land for us to live in. I believed being in jail would get him sober enough to see the error of his ways. I was naively foolish, because a sociopath narcissist will always be a sociopath narcissist. Yes, the drugs made him more violent, but he was verbally abusive before he got hooked on methamphetamine. Once he was home again it didn’t take long he was back on drugs. He fixated on repeatably raping me and keeping me prisoner in the bedroom away from the kids. The two younger children that him and I share stayed mostly with their grandparents, but the older two had to fend for themselves most of the time while he kept me hostage. So, while they didn’t know what he was doing to me, they weren’t allowed to have me. Which was traumatizing, but just in a different way than before. The times when I was let out to cook or clean my second oldest and I communicated through signals. She would know with one look to sneak the phone and call her grandparents, because if someone in my family came to the house to get me he’d let me go (he was scared they’d call the cops if he didn’t). No, child should have to communicate with their mother through code, and I hate myself that mine did. This was their life until he got a parole violation and went back to jail.

By this time my younger two were so use to staying with grandparents that’s where they mostly stayed. My older two were rightfully angry with me, and our relationships were shaky at best. I got really depressed and they too stayed often with grandma, and basically lived with her when he was released again from jail. This time however, God intervened and saved my life my breaking my body in an automobile accident. I was forced to move back into my parents to heal from the injuries, and I finally left my socio-narcissist ex for good. I even helped get him sent back to jail for the third time for selling stolen property. The kids and I were finally able to start the healing process of my toxic relationship.

It's been four years and we’re still dealing with the ramifications of this relationship. My oldest feels guilty for not doing more to try to help me. I’ve tried explaining there wasn’t anything she could have done, and no child should have to feel that way. It doesn’t stop that anymore than it stops her depression/anxiety. She has legit panic attacks that she’s had to miss school for. My second oldest also has depression and anger issues. She was very angry with me for a long time for not staying gone the first time I left him. She felt I chose him over them, and I hate myself because she’s right. Did I want to choose him? No I didn’t, but it’s true what they say about women in abusive relationships they have a hold on you psychologically. You want to leave and stay gone, but something inside you pushes you until you go back despite not wanting to. My third oldest has abandonment issues, because while she didn’t witness all the things her sisters did she still felt abandoned by me and her dad. She gets super clingy, has depression, and anxiety that effects her still today. My baby of the bunch was to young to remember much his sisters have told him about his dad and what he done, but he doesn’t remember it. However, he to has abandonment issues and gets incredibly clingy. He’s actually just now been starting to stay with me more than grandparents now, and it’s been four years.

It took therapy and time to get back on a good track with my oldest two girls. My second oldest after talking understands more my side of things than she did before, but that's because she’s a sweetheart giving me understanding when I d don't deserve it. I have a good relationship with all my children now, but it took healing and work on my part. I had to prove myself, and make sure they knew how much I loved them then and love them now.

I will always feel shame, guilt, and self=loathing for my part in traumatizing their childhoods, but I know everything happens for a reason, and I know it’ll all work out in the end. Maybe one day they’ll be able to use their pain to help someone else in a similar situation. It doesn’t make what I did okay, but I’ve got to see some light in this to be able to move and heal myself. My children will likely need therapy for life, but I know we have the strength to get through anything long as we’re together.