How I Overcame My Guilt Of Being A Single Mother

I was young when I had my oldest son. Barely 19, working minimum wage, living with a family who kept begging me to abort him. 

Home life, for as long as I could remember it, had always been tumultuous in the least. With 5 siblings of my own, an abusive father, and an emotionally abusive mother I was finding any escape possible to get some type of happiness in my life. 

In comes a guy who shows me that there are actually emotions in the world other than anger. He showed me that I was more than the nothing that my mother made me out to be. Fast forward to months later and a positive pregnancy test, instantly I knew this was something that I really wanted.

Now, looking back, im aware I felt that my child would love me unconditionally in the way my family never did. This thought is why the guilt of raising my son alone has surfaced so many times over. He wasn't planned and whether I had the thought or not he would still be here but my mind doesn't always want to remain logical.

His dad has been in and out of his life since he was born with this last stint of not seeing him going on a year and a half now. 

My son is about to be 7 years old and now more than ever he is looking for a relationship with his dad. He asks about him constantly, talks about what other dads do with their children, and recently has started to blame me for his father's absence. 

For the longest I struggled with how and what to say to him a lot because I didn't have the best example around me. While others around me, like friends and family, were okay bad mouthing the absent parent, I knew that wasnt what was best.

For awhile, promising that his dad would finally get it together, see him, and build a relationship with him sufficed. In the last year though he stopped liking my positivity. He stopped wanting to hear maybe his dad will call him tomorrow, or maybe he's working. He stopped taking my excuses and stopped dropping the subject. He started wanted lengthier explanations. His requests became more logical and determined. Instead of just taking my word he now wanted me to call so that he could get an answer his self. He wanted us to just pull up to his dads place and demand answers and at this point I knew that I needed to put my big girl pants on and handle the situation as needed.  

I will never forget the night my son and I finally had "that talk". We were sitting in the living room and had just finished watching "The Kid Who Would Be King". If you've never seen this movie its basically tied around a fictional story of King Arthurs sword being in the hands of a child. That said child grew up without his father and the only thing he did have of him was a book about King Arthur's court with a paragraph supposedly written by his father on the inside cover. 

The child ends up running away to go find his father only to be met by the father's sister who explains to this kid that not only was his father basically rubbish but that his mother had written the inscription and signed it as his dad. 

I look over and tears are streaming down my baby's face and I just about lose it. When I say this jump kicked me in the chest and possibly broke a rib or two, while a bit extreme, thats the closest feeling that I could compare it to. I realized that while not in the same exact way, I was hurting my son just the same. In trying not to badmouth his dad I didnt allow my son to accept his situation. 

At the end of the day not only did I need to get my son to understand but I also needed to allow him to heal. I needed to allow him to go through the emotions of it all. 

In comes the feeling of guilt. I constantly deal with going back and forth with myself in regards to the bad decisions I made leading up to the time I got pregnant with my son. I mean honestly, while not planned, it is still very much my fault that my son is fatherless. I knew who I laid with and that he would never help in raising a child. While good for me at that time in my life he definitely isnt someone I would have ever entertained as the woman that I am now. Even more he is someone who is no good for my son.

I ran from the conversation with him for the longest because I am very adamant on keeping him an innocent child for as long as I can. Growing up my siblings and I were faced with being adults far before we were even considered teenagers. Our childhood was shortened with responsibility and abuse and I didnt want that for him. I want him to not just have a childhood but to also enjoy it. 

So, as we continued discussing the movie I asked him what emotion he felt the most and he said "relief". Now, my sons a reader. I was able to start chapter books with him right before his 5th birthday so I know he knew what the word meant but my mind couldnt wrap around how it applied. 

"Relief about what" I asked him. My son laid his head on my shoulder and told me that "even though he didnt get to have his dad his mama cared about him a lot and as long as he has her then the dad doesnt have to be there". 

GAH! Another rib cracked. 

I took the time to finally explain to my son that there are some people who would just rather run from responsibilities than handle them. Some that would rather run free then grow up. I made sure he understood that it wasnt a personal attack on him and that he was a great kid. This doesn't mean that he would never have a father it just means it wouldn't be his biological one.

Of course in hind site I can see where my guilt and my past was shadowing what should've been done long before a movie made my son vocalize his feelings. However, I do believe that there are lots of single parents whether its single dads or moms, who feel a sense of guilt or responsibility for the way things ended up. They want to give their child the world and to fill any voids that appear.

Im here to remind them all that kids are resilient. While sometimes it may be tough, they are happy with us. It may not be what was expected or what we wanted for our children but it is what it is for now and its not something set in stone.

Who says you dont meet someone who fills that void in your child better then the other parent ever could?

Author's Note: As always I just want to thank you for reading and if you liked at all dont forget to hit the heart below and/or leave a tip. If you have any comments, replies, stories, or just want to chat you can message me on instagram @thatgirlbluedymond