How I Got My Lazy Kid to Clean Up

Right around the ripe old age of 13, my son concluded that I wasn’t very bright. It took me a while to notice this because he never actually said it. Something was telling in the tone of his long drawn out sighs and the tenor of his voice when he said, “Muuuuuuuum!”

It leads me to the following epiphany;

“My kid thinks I’m an idiot.”

The worst part of this epiphany was that I couldn’t disagree. I’ve made some questionable choices over the years. Just the other day, for instance, I let my kid have macaroni and cheese in his room.

I’m in his room today to grab dirty laundry. I see a plate of leftover mac and cheese on his night table. Something is moving on the pile of noodles. Dreading an infestation of some nasty bug, I take a closer look.

Microbes born of mac n cheese have evolved into a sentient species. The species have created a society. They are carrying moldy noodles on their shoulders to build a macaroni ziggurat.

I arm myself with Pine-Sol, but I don’t know if I feel right pouring it on their heads. “I’ve decided we will call this a science experiment. You may live another day, Macaronians,” I say to myself.

Of course, out loud, I use my best and sternest “Mom voice” to address my kid, “You won’t be allowed to eat in your room if you don’t clean after yourself. We can’t have new civilizations building up in here every time you want a snack in bed.”

“Mum.”

My son is using his best “patient son putting up with an idiot mom” voice, “Mum, what you are proposing on imposing makes no logical sense. We cannot deny beings their right to live just because you want a so-called clean house. We live in a democracy!”

I laugh. My son is so naïve, but I will educate him, “Oh, no, no, no. That’s where you are wrong, Son. Our household is a Monarchy, and Mama is Queen.”

Boo-Yah! Mic drop!

No, I DIDN’T!

I’m moonwalking now because

I JUST DID.

“Mum.”

Thinking of “Queen,” I begin singing Bohemian Rhapsody loudly, “THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING VERY, VERY FRIGHTENING!”

“MUM!!! If I get this cleaned up, will you please stop, for the love of God?”

I’m not responding to my son at this point. I’m in way too deep to stop.

“Mama Mia! Mama Mia! Mama Mia, let me go!”

I don’t have a chance to get to the headbanging part of my performance. My kid is tidying up, zipping around his room in fast-forward. He’s even making his bed.

“I’m done, Mum.”

I look around his sparkling clean bedroom, hoping to find something he missed. I’m a bit disappointed to see he’s done an excellent job. I was so ready to rock it!

My son scrapes the left-over mac n cheese into the trashcan. An avalanche of noodles muffles the sound of a million tiny screams.

I moonwalk quietly out the door with a silent salute.

Goodbye Macaronians. May you prosper in your next life.

A note from the Author

This app is really difficult to use for making notes, so you know I must love you to torture myself so! This method really does work on my silly kids. And it amuses me. I call that a win/win!

Here are lyrics in case you don't know 'em by heart yet!

Bohemian Rhapsody

Queen

[Intro]

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see

I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy

Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low

Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me

[Verse 1]

Mama, just killed a man

Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead

Mama, life had just begun

But now I've gone and thrown it all away

Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow

Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

[Verse 2]

Too late, my time has come

Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time

Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Mama, ooh (Any way the wind blows)

I don't wanna die

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

[Guitar Solo]

[Verse 3]

I see a little silhouetto of a man

Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?

Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me

(Galileo) Galileo, (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo Figaro magnifico

But I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

He's just a poor boy from a poor family

Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

Bismillah! No, we will not let you go

(Let him go) Bismillah! We will not let you go

(Let him go) Bismillah! We will not let you go

(Let me go) Will not let you go

(Let me go) Will not let you go

(Never, never, never, never let me go) Ah

No, no, no, no, no, no, no

(Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia) Mamma mia, let me go

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!

[Verse 4]

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?

So you think you can love me and leave me to die?

Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby!

Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

[Outro]

(Ooh)

(Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah)

Nothing really matters, anyone can see

Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters to me