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How do you know what's right?

Horror in the home

By Wynette RichardsonPublished 3 years ago 7 min read
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I have 6 kids. In one of my previous stories, I wrote about fighting to get my oldest 3 back from my abusive ex-husband who currently has custody of them.

I made a promise to them a long time ago, that as long as they wanted to come live with me, I would fight for them. If there ever came a time where they chose to stay with him, I would not fight their choice. My oldest is 17 and has decided she wants to stay with him. That's been her choice for several years. So I stopped fighting for her, as promised.

My 15 and 13 year old kids still wanted to come live with my husband, our 3 small children, and me. So I have kept fighting. I have a court date in December to go to court again.

At the beginning of summer, my 15 year old had to do summer school, so it was just my 13 year old son that came for our visitation. In the truck, on the way home, I tried to talk to him about it and verify that he still wanted to come here to live. I needed to know so I could let me attorney know exactly what we were filing and fighting for. He said he wasn't going to talk about it and didn't want to have to choose between me and his father. Fair enough, but I still needed an answer. I left the conversation for another time. We had all summer after all.

A month or so later, we were alone in the kitchen and I felt like it was a better time to approach the subject. He had been talking to his therapist on the phone and told him that his father treats him like a child that isn't mature enough to do a lot of things and it really bothered him.

Instead of just asking where he wanted to live, I took a different approach. I asked him if he remembered my promise. He said he did not, so I told him again, that I promised I would keep fighting for them to be here as long as they still wanted to be here. But if they chose to stay with their dad, I would honor that choice. I explained that this is why I asked if he still wanted to come live here. That I was never trying to make him choose between us, just where he wanted to live. The kids would always be able to see and spend time with their dad as long as that's what they still wanted once they got old enough to choose. I would never take that away from them.

He seemed to think about it and take it into consideration. I didn't ask him for an answer again. I just left the conversation at that so he could really think about it. He's the kind of kid that wants to live where he's at while he's there. So when he's at his dad's, he wants to live there a lot of the time. But as soon as he comes here, this is where he wants to be. It can be hard to gauge and I didn't want to force him to come live here if that isn't truly what he wanted.

I'm not sure if this is reasonable to anyone else, but it just makes sense to me. So that's what I've always promised my babies. Too often, we as adults don't honor the wishes of our kids when it comes to their well being. We always think we know better than they do. And in many cases, that is true. But in this case, I think honoring what they want, as long as they are not in danger or being neglected, is the right thing to do.

*Trigger warning* Mentions of sexual abuse and anatomically correct body part names.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, and being aware of what can happen when kids, especially little girls, don't call their parts by the correct names, I've taught our 4 year old the proper names for boy and girl parts. This way, there is no mistaking it if she says something like her vagina hurts, or someone tried to touch her vagina, etc. I want her to be as knowledgeable as age appropriately possible. No, she is has not been taught anything of a sexual nature in any way. Just the proper names for her body parts.

One day before the end of summer, my son and I were sitting in the kitchen and the kids were running around playing. I was playing games on my phone and he and I were having casual conversation off and on. My 4 year old came up to me, how she often does and starts rambling. I didn't really catch everything that she said, except that she said the words "penis" and "vagina".

While I didn't catch everything she said, my son did. He asked me why I taught her "those things". I told him I have not taught her about anything inappropriate, the only thing I had taught her were the proper names for our body parts. He was defensive, but didn't say anything else. As I hadn't really caught everything she had said, I thought it was a little weird for her to be talking about those body parts, but didn't put much more thought into it, other than to mention the whole incident to my husband, as I did think it was strange.

A couple days later, I was taking my son back to his dad when I got a call from my husband. It started out casual, but then he told me that he had asked our daughter what she was telling me the other day. That's when she told him that my son had locked her in his room, and tried to sexually assault her. She gave him details that she wouldn't know about sex unless she witnessed it or it happened to her. What she said is not something she would know at all.

I asked my son if he had ever touched my daughter in any way, shape, or form... He said no, and that if he had, she would be bleeding. Such a strange response from someone that is innocent and wouldn't know about things like that. I asked him if he had been watching anything inappropriate that she could have seen that would give her the knowledge of the things she had said. He said he had watched porn, but only at night when everyone was asleep, and he made sure everyone was asleep. Not knowing what else to say or ask, I didn't question him farther.

Thankfully, I had someone else in the car with us. That person took my son to the meeting point and I turned around and went back home.

We reported the incident and charges are being filed against my son.

I am so incredibly torn. I must protect my innocent daughter. If that means pressing charges, so be it. But he is my son too. He is my baby boy that I used to tuck into bed and read stories to and cuddle with in the mornings before everyone got up for the day. I can't reconcile the 2 people. The teenager that would sexually assault not only a child, but his own sister.

I want so badly to get help for him. To find out where this behavior came from and to make sure it never happens, that he never does this to anyone else, ever again. But he will never be welcome back into our home after what he's done. How can I make sure he gets the help he needs, for this to never happen again? I know his narcissistic, sexually abusive father may not be capable of providing that help. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for my daughter, but how do I do the right thing for my son too?

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