How Can I Talk To My Children About Sex?

Talking about sex can be an awkward moment, but it has to happen. Would you rather their friends tell them and then they get in trouble or get an STD because they don't know about the risks of using a condom or what consent is?

No, right?

As a parent you have the responsibility to take your offspring on the best path you think is right and thus avoid situations such as unwanted pregnancies or events that can harm him or her.

Therefore, and before the advice, it is important that you know the following points:

Don't discredit love

Understand the importance of romantic attachments in a teenager's life and the intensely strong feelings they generate. Even if your definition and perspective of love differs from your son's or daughter's.

The earlier, the better (and you need to do it often)

Teens are difficult and may not listen to you, may disagree with you, and may get angry, but they are often listening to you even when they pretend not to be.

Teaching them about their bodies and their sexuality is best when it is an ongoing dialogue, starting in their childhood.

Empower them

Make them feel like they deserve to be proud of their relationships, have their own space, keep their friends, include their family, and feel good about who they are.

Teach them to expect a "give and take," but that, in the end, a good relationship is going to help them be more than they already are and feel even better about it.

Make them live by example

If you have a good relationship with your partner, let them know. Let him or her see you kissing or putting on makeup and if a disagreement arises, let him or her see how you work it out.

If they are soaked in that "information", they are going to say "ah, I saw this and this happened" or "my parents have a good relationship, I'm not going to expect anything less for my life". See?

Listen

Listen more than you talk. There are some parents who seek to finish the child's sentences and it is desperate for them. So much so that they may even respond with profanity.

Engaging them in a discussion about sexuality goes beyond telling them what to do and what not to do.

Keep it generic

Being willing to talk in general allows conversations about difficult topics like sex to move forward without making anyone uncomfortable.

Let your kids know that you know people who had certain experiences when they were younger, that you've been in difficult situations or know others who have, and that you're not afraid to discuss those things on some level.

Just avoid grilling your child about what they did or didn't do sexually, you're their relative not their BFF; you also don't want them to demand details about your love life.

How can I talk to my children about sex?

An easy way where you don't bog them down with so many terms that make them (or you) uncomfortable. Is to make analogies and here's one that might work:

"When you are born, you are given a small plot of rich, fertile land, slightly different from everyone else's (aka your brain and body). Your family and culture (the immediate and wider communities of which you are a part) plant seeds and tend the garden. They also teach you how to tend it. Those seeds are language, attitudes, knowledge and habits about love and safety, bodies and sex.

Each garden is unique and has different needs depending on the vegetation that produce those seeds.

Some gardens may require additional sunlight and water, some may need additional fertilizer or shade, some may be drought tolerant or need extra vigilance when it comes to eliminating toxic and invasive species.

Eventually, as you become a teenager, you begin to take on the responsibility of caring for your own garden.

As you figure out what's in your garden, what it needs and how to care for it, you can choose what to take out and what to keep.

Consent is about people deciding who enters your garden and what will happen while you are there together.

It is the option to choose whether someone enters and how they behave while they are there. Consent determines how long they can stay and whether they can plant something or take something with them when they leave. You must ask before you enter someone else's garden. Honor it because it is theirs. And anyone you let into your garden, you should help it thrive."

See, you get everything involved and you don't tell them things that make them respond to you with "Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Also remember not to tell them "don't do this," because they will end up doing it. It's a talk, not a military barracks.

You can talk to them about causes and effects and chances are they will accept it better than an imposition.