Having a Baby

I found out that I was pregnant when I was twenty years old. I never thought that I could even have kids due to medical reasons. But whenever I found out that I was pregnant, my whole entire world shifted. I had no idea how I was going to do it, but I KNEW I was going to have this baby! From then on, I was working constantly, going to every yard sale, reading every Pinterest article, thinking of everything possible way to get ready for my baby. I was so nervous and excited.

However, my body started to change. I was already bigger, so it took me awhile longer to show than most women. My boobs hurt and they were leaking, my feet were so swollen that I had to wear my shoes with the laces completely loosened, the sciatica was extremely painful, and I couldn't shave my legs anymore. OH. And my once thick head of hair was falling out by the handfuls. On top of the gestational diabetes, anemia, hypothyroidism, and pre-eclampsia, I was struggling mentally because my body was my body, but it wasn't really my body anymore. By the end of it, every aspect of my body had changed, and I was utterly depressed by it.

So after urinating in a jug for three weeks solid, dealing with high blood pressure, an induction, an epidural, and a few hours later...

My son was born.

Samuel Malachi Sage Sprecher: 5 pounds 10 ounces, 20.5 inches long, ten fingers, and ten toes, three weeks premature, and I was utterly in love.

But then he came home, and I was an utter mess. The lack of sleep REALLY got to me. Every time that my husband woke up with him, it didn't help because I was still awake. I think it's a mom thing, but I couldn't fall back asleep when he was awake with our son. My boobs hurt, again. And the late night feedings were a disaster there for awhile; he wouldn't stay awake to finish his bottles, so Netflix and I became BFFs. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" was a joke, because I am not someone who can just sleep in the middle of the day, and I wasn't going to sleep through my six weeks off of work.

And the PP depression was very real. I was sad for a lot of reasons, that I don't really want to go into. The bottom line was, Samuel came three weeks early, so that's less money I had coming in, and I wasn't fully prepared for that. By week three at home, I was going stir crazy just sitting at home, and I felt guilty for feeling like my kid was driving me crazy (but I got over that guilt QUICK). It was just a very messy time, where I really only remember lots of bottles, lots of blood, some crying, and the newest season of Fuller House.

And then I went back to work, and experienced separation anxiety. That was absolutely terrible, and that was worse than PPD for me. I ended up quitting my long time job because I couldn't handle the stress of working 50+ hours a week anymore, and have been back and forth from stay at home mom to working small jobs ever since (however, I can say that I have been with the same company for nine months now).

But, the challenges don't end when your kid starts sleeping through the night.

Since then, I have endured many sleepless nights, crazy sleep schedules, daily food preferences (one day they like something and the next day they won't eat it), diarrhea, vomit, sicknesses, ear infections, emergency room trips, teething, and so much more. But, I have also experienced his first of everything. I get to see him grin in the morning when he sees my face, I get to cheer him on when he learns a new animal sound or word, I get to help him learn and grow, read him bedtime stories, teach him to swim, watch him make funny faces, I get the sleepy cuddles, and so much more. And the best thing? I get to be his first love.

My son will be two in December, and I know that more challenges are coming. A LOT of challenges that I have yet to face. However, there are a lot of happy times ahead too, and that is what I am going to choose to focus on.

Samuel, a Few Days Home from the Hospital

Samuel, a Year and a Half