Parenting Wars
Parenting Wars

Golden Girl’s Guide to Surviving Your Cherub Morphing Into Satan

by Emma Haywood about a year ago in children

.... A dictator is nothing without followers, right?!

Golden Girl’s Guide to Surviving Your Cherub Morphing Into Satan

So we’ve all heard the horror stories from our emotionally harassed friends who have the blessing of being mummy (or indeed daddy, let's not leave the guys out here!) to a demanding toddler. Most of us at one point or another have been a shoulder to cry on for that friend who hasn’t had chance to wash her hair in days (no biggie... dry shampoo was invented for a reason!) because her beloved minion has had 8 million consecutive meltdowns so mama’s shower time never quite happened. We’ve probably passed the Chardonnay whilst thinking “shit what is she doing wrong?! My kids will NEVER behave like that!” Because it’s all in the parenting right?! ... Wrong!!!! Believe me, you can be the most lax parent going or you can parent like Jo Frost after 20 cans of Red Bull... If your darling offspring chooses to assert his or herself by channelling Satan at an ear splitting level then they will... whatever you do!!! So the key is learning how to keep your sanity when the shit gets real!!

Hell hath no fury like a child who has been told no. And as every mother knows, the worst place to tell your child no is in the sweetie aisle of Asda (or Tesco, Morrison’s, or Sainsbury’s.... no, need to be picky). The most angelic of children will quite happily offer you up a very convincing remake of the Exorcist if you dare to remove that Kinder egg from their sticky little paws. And they have no shame or embarrassment... the more passersby looking appalled, the better for these tiny little firecrackers. This is also the stage where you will meet those bitches that we all love to hate. I like to call these haters “The Catalogue Mum’s.” This is because their whole life looks like it came straight out of a Boden catalogue. Not only do their kids never have a tantrum, they actually ask for organic fruit as snacks and, get this, they even say please instead of just demanding you give it to them!!! How novel is that?! Now these not-so-silent assassins love the opportunity to tell you everywhere that you have gone wrong. In the most dire of situations they will even get down to your child’s height and reason with them. Just when you’re thinking “good luck with that you silly cow!” your traitorous toddler not only stops crying on cue, he will even smile and laugh for this bitch from hell!!! Crisis averted... for now!!

Another way that us mummies unwittingly ruin our toddler’s life is by giving them the wrong coloured cup. Now call me naive but in my pre children days I would never have imagined giving my son a blue Paw Patrol cup instead of a red PJ Masks one could cause him such unadulterated agony. Big rookie error on my part! Now fetching him a drink has become an act that has to be carried out with military precision. One false move on the cup front and our lives as we know them could be completely shot to shit for the rest of the day. Never has pouring a cup of Robinson’s finest filled me with such dread.

Now I would love to say that the terrible two’s are an actual thing and on the eve of your little darling’s third birthday they will return to their precious loveable selves but I’m not in the habit of bullshitting. I am also sitting here three weeks from my little darling’s fourth birthday wondering when he will stop mugging his mama off and realise that he’s not 2 anymore!!!

Just remember that for every hideous tantrum, our gorgeous babies do countless other things that melt our hearts to show us the purest, truest form of love that there is. Soooooo... until they snap out of it, there’s always wine!!!

How does it work?
Read next: Understanding the Effects of Addiction on the Family
Emma Haywood

Mum of two, winging it everyday in this farce that we call life!

See all posts by Emma Haywood