Forgiveness Does Not Come Easy...But It Does Come

On February 16th 2003 my life changed forever. This was the day I learned that my 18-year-old son Christopher L. St. Louis was killed by an off-duty officer that was not from our city. Was he in the right? No, he was not.

He was drunk and stealing alcohol from a popular grocery chain store, when an officer who was off-duty and shopping at the time, took it upon herself to give chase and end my son's life. That was 18 years ago. He was killed literally 6 months to the actual day he was born...his birthday is August 16, 1984, he would have been 37 this year.

For any parent that has lost a child, you know that there are no words that will make it better, and it certainly doesn't help when you feel like you were robbed and that you went through three years of waiting for justice only to be denied said justice simply because it was police involved shooting, so she was instantly released from any wrong doing. They immediately announced that she was perfectly within her rights to kill my son because she said she felt threatened which left her no choice.

I can tell you that for the next three years while waiting for the trial to begin, I was filled with hatred and rage for this "monster" that killed my only child...yes, he was my only, and I would go on to remain a childless mother. Once the trial started, the prosecution did their best to paint my son as a racist, hateful, waste of human life, leaving the jury to believe that he was not worth the time or money put into the lawsuit against the officer that killed him. I listened to them do their job convincing the jury that this officer did her job by ridding the world of "vermin" like him. They didn't know him! How dare they judge him! My lawyer did his best but he was no match for the lawyers they had.

I sat day in and day out for a solid month listening to witness after witness up on the stand, telling "their" version of what they saw that day, but let's be honest, there's a reason they postpone trials so long, they knew that people would forget most of the details, and they were banking on that. Finally, after several witnesses, the boys that were with him that day, and my testimony, my lawyer asked me to join him for lunch that day, then he informs me that they had thrown out all the evidence and we really didn't have a case to keep fighting, the jury wasn't seeing my son as a child, they were seeing him as a thug who was out to hurt this officer and they were most likely going to deliver a not guilty judgement. He also had informed me that he was more than happy to keep fighting for me, but if we lost then the prosecution and the state could counter sue for damages and mental anguish on the cop. More than one witness (including his best friend) claimed my son ran at her causing her to shoot him four times, killing him almost instantly. He had also informed me that the next phase in the trial was the autopsy photos, and that he didn't want to put me through that if we were not going to win. I asked him if he thought we had a "snowballs chance in hell" and he said, "they have literally thrown out all evidence that would show she did any wrong doing, so...no I don't" it was at that point I was over the whole mess, I knew in my heart I wasn't going to win, but I was so angry that she killed him, I couldn't see what I was doing to myself, and to his memory.

It was at that point, I decided to stop it, but I would only do it on one condition, and he asked me what that was. I asked to meet and talk to her face to face, I told him that I needed to know that she wasn't a "monster", and I had some things to say to her. So, he went back to the prosecution with my request and they took it to the judge, and it was agreed that her and I would meet in judge's chambers in half an hour. I sat in that room very nervous, and the judge came in and sat at his desk and asked me what my intentions were for speaking with her. I told him that I needed to know that she had some remorse for killing him, then that my intention was to forgive her and walk away. So, she came in and sat a few seats away from me at a table, immediately broke down crying and did so the entire time we spoke. I also knew that no matter how it ended, I would request this meeting, so I wrote her a letter. It went something like this:

Dear Ms. Webb,

I am writing this so that you know just how much you took from me when you pulled the trigger that tragic day.

1. I will never see him graduate

2. I will never see him get married

3. I will never get to enjoy grandchildren

4. I will never hear "I love you mom" from him ever again

5. I will never see him pass my door on his way to bed again.

6. I will never again get to wrap my arms around him and say "I love you"

7. I will never get to see the man he would become.

8. I will most likely forever blame myself for his death

I just want you to understand the immense hell I have been through since he died, and I would ask you to please stop and think before you take another child away from his parents. I know you didn't know how good a person he was, but I know and everyone who loved him did.

and I signed it "A forever grieving mother"

after we spoke for about an hour, I told her that I forgave her, and that I would like it if she could get on with her life, and I mine, since we were left with no choice, because nothing we could do would bring him back, and although there was a lot more grieving for me to do, she needed to be free to live on. I reached out and hugged her, and before I walked out, the judge told me that he had never witness such a brave gesture of love and kindness, and that he would use this as an example of what real forgiveness is, he said "I know forgiveness does not come easy...but it does come"

thank you for reading this, it is a true story. If this story touched you in any way, please hit me in the heart for a "like". If your feeling generous, send a tip, and they are never required, but most definitely appreciated. Also your welcome to follow me here.