First Time For All Mothers

After learning that I am pregnant I've been anxious a bit. Ever since I came back to the United States. It is worrisome you know.

This sickened me, as being a parent again I scared Saint Lucia the homicide rate is only increasing. In the United States I have to worry about this. Some cops are dirty, and I'm scared for my kids that the police racism will only get worse.

The fears that I can because of hateful racism adults. I don't want that to be my children.

How can anyone bring a child into this world. My baby will be mixed.

All of my fears aren't what you think they are:

1: Giving Birth: I fear the pain of childbirth only because I never experienced it before. I also fear that I wouldn't be able to feel that instant bond with my baby. I worry about ending up with PPD (postpartum depression) I do know my husband says just because mom and sis had it doesn't mean I will.

2: By child triggering the bipolar disorder: I know what I face even now with my depression without my medicine I wouldn't be able to be my 100%. I know my struggles that I have, I just don't want my children to suffer as well. I hope when it comes to mental illness my children inherit there Dad's wit, and my inner strength.

Bonding with my child. Now to make sure that I get my blood test this makes me nervous. I want to have a baby with my hubby.

In a way, I hope the pregnancy test is negative, other ways I hope it's positive. I just don't want my husband to miss everything.

I guess I will find out tomorrow, to know the blood work if it's positive or negative.

I want it all, but by my husband's side. I am really hoping, I have at least 12 signs that I am pregnant.

I don't know how we will do it, but my husband to me we will make it. Everything will be okay.

I hope everything will be okay. Tomorrow I will be going to the ER to take a blood test to know for sure if I'm pregnant.

Since I'm filing for my husband's green card, we are making it work long distance again.

What I don't understand about this someone I used to friends with her caregiver told me these words, "Why is Emily back, she should might as well stay in fucking Saint Lucia."

This hurts a lot that for me. I'm trying to suppress the words.

I have found myself wanting to share my feelings about this.

I'm nervous about taking the blood test today. I just hope I can find out same day.

This morning on the 13th of November, I learned that I am not pregnant. I'm okay with this, because I don't want to be a temporary single parent until hubby is here.

I do want to find out what I can do to increase my chances of pregnancy. So eventually I will make an appointment with my doctor.

I dream of becoming a parent, but I am want to be financially ready. Hell, I want to be financially ready for all the things I want to accomplish.

I know that I will make everything right financially which means the birth of a baby made out of love eventually.

It will take strength, and hard work will accomplish a lot.

Thank you, for reading my article. I hope it's to your liking I put a lot of love into this piece. Please like, comment, and leave a tip.